A freind in ALAnon called me yesterday. Her husband got arrested for DUI again. He called and betggged her to bail him out and she said no. He said he was having heart flutterings and refused to tell them. She said what if he dies and I did not go bail him out?

I was trying not to give advice...but what I said was...think of your mOTIVES. WHY are you refusing to bail him out? If it's jsut to teach him a lesson it may not be the best motive. If it is because he needs to be there to see that he needs help...might be a different story. Her children all agree...leave him there. She is assuming he will get jail time because this is not the first time.

He takes a class that meets on Monday and if he's not in jail and completes the class he is guaranteed a job.

So she has that delimma.  Bail him out on Monday? so he can get to class? Or let him miss this chance for a job?

 

What woudl you say to her?

LIN

Lin,

I would tell her to pray, and do what she feels is right.

Maybe him missing out on this job could be his wake up call, or it could not be. Only his HP knows that.

I know from the past, my "A" has always told me to not bail him out. So I don't.

Much Love,

you know we can't realy give advice on this issue per Alanon protocol.  And in this case we do not have enough information to even give suggesstions.  How many times? How bad do they need the income?  What is the family history of heart disease and previous health? I agree with Dolphin, this is a Turn it Over to the High Power situation and pray for the best outcome for this family.

josey

Lin,

I firmly believe in experiencing and dealing with the consequences of our actions. We - my friends, family and children all live in the real world,and do this, it is no different for our A's.

This may sound harsh but it is my belief.

If it was my A, I would be leaving him there. Not for revenge or to teach a lesson, but simply for him to face the reality of his actions. 

Years ago I was in this position, my A had crashed his car (while drunk), was in police custody and was pleading with me to do something to "fix" it. I couldn't but did bring him a change of clothes.

What do they call it?

Detachment with love.

Just my thoughts...

Feather

I think you gave her great advice..... tell her to follow her heart, and to check her motives..... She is under no obligation to bail him out, and who knows - it might be the best thing for him, to FULLY face the consequences of his actions...

 

Tom

He's an adult, if he chooses not to tell anyone about a potential heart problem, it's his call. My first inclination would be to think that the statement is a ploy to manipulate her in to doing what he wants.. He also knew that he takes a class on Mondays, and that a job is at stake. What stops him from doing the same thing next week if he gets out? These are the consequences of his actions. His choices. Just my humble opinion. Christy

Ditto to Christy's reply.  Every action has a consequence.  Luv Leo x

Thanks everybody! That's what I told her...to pray about it..follow her heart...and check her motives. I told her when MINE was in jail I did not bail him out. I did nto even pick him up one of the times the judge sent him home...and he walked the 2 miles home.

This is his thrid time...so she is pretty sure he will get time. His heart is not bothering him now., I honestly think it eas anxiety abotu being in jail.

The sad part..he told his sob story to his brother and his BROTHER bailed him out.

She seemed ticked that he only had to stay there one night and woudl not learn his problem is serious...but I told her..at least you set a boundary and YOU did not cross it. Feel proud of yourself for that. Let the JUDGE talk to him on Wed...and MAYBE it will sink in that this has to stop.

LIN