Okay, I have to admitt, I am angry. I just don't understand.

I have been trying to accept this as a disease. I have been trying to just take care of myself and the kids. I have been trying to be compassionate and stay out of his stuff.

Then I talk to a lady at the rehab that tells me that no he does not have to work if he doesn't want to. No his children are not his responsibility and he shouldn't worry about them. No family counseling to deal with the anger the kids have is not offerred and he should not participate in it anyway as it would be too much for him. When I told her that their anger was justified, that they are having to do withour becasue their father is being told he should not worry about supporting them, yet he is living very comfortably with mommy taking care of him. She told me that no amount of anger is justified. Anger is an emotion, how dare she who is not walking in our shoes say it is not justified. How dare she decide a father doesn't have to support his children if he doesn't want to. How dare she justify to him and me that a parent shirking their responsibilities to their children is acceptable. How dare she tell me to step up some more. What are they thinking?

My Dad says the old AA, wanted people to face up to theri responsibility, that working was part of recovery. Now he is being told by a State rehabthat he has been right all along to lay in bed and have Mommy pamper him while he neglects his children.

It is a parents respionsibility to support theri children. It is criminal that in the name of recovery he is being released from that responsibility.

On here I heard I am reacting to another persons actions to pray and turn it over to my HP. I believe fully in the power of God. He has been there mmore times than I can count for my family and me. But I can't see myself ttelling a service provider that my husbands rehab doesn't think he needs to work and I am already over taxed, so could you please bill God.

I am worrying about myself. I am trying to take care of myself and my children. Part of taking care of them is not accepting an outside party telling my husband, and my childrens father that it is okay for him not to support them. That I am soley responsible and he should not worry about it. How is it taking care of myself to accept all teh responsibility for him?

People have responsibilites. if I am sick and can not work, it is up to me to get disability to support my family. What good do we do anyone, by releasing them from responsibility.

Why should my children suffer the consequenses of his sobriety as well as his drinking? Now who's enabling. Seems to me that it is the Rehab, AA, and Alanon.

He might not be able to be with this family becasue of drinking or choice or whatever. But just because he is seeking recovery I do not see him having any right to not be responsible for his children as any father is.

My Dad summed it up by saying if he will not get off his butt and work and support his children and be an addition to society, then why do you care about his sobriety.

Even sick people are not relieved of responsibility, and I can;'t understand how it is okay.

                                   Jeannie

 

(((((((my dear friend))))))

I totally understand your feelings.  My husband was admitted into the psych ward as a direct result of his addiction, and put on narcotics!!  I asked the doctor, but was told that I have no input in this situation, he became a ward of the province... I WAS HIS WIFE (clearly a bit more resentment to shed there)  I told the doctor right out what transpired to get him there, but he didn't seem to understand... go figure.

THankfully my sponsor (who is a registered nurse) told me that just because they think they are right, doesn't mean they are, but is this in my power??  Ironically, the DR agreed to release him on the condition that he go directly to rehab... but you have to be alcohol/drug free to be there.... Oy Vey!

It is okay to be angry.  There are so many people in the world that don't have a clue about the family illness associated with addictions.  When I was in nursing, I met many docotors who confessed that they had less than a few HOURS of training on addiction etc. 

I know that these people who are telling you these things are from rehab, and they should know better, but clearly, they don't.  Most of those people only take the job because they want to help people, not because they have lived through it.  Working with addicts is SO hard, that the turnover is high as well.

I am not trying to justify their behavior, but remember the alanon slogan "take what you like, and leave the rest".  What they say is only advice.  you can choose what you take.  But so can your husband and his family.

They are out of your control.

Hang on my friend.  You have so much courage, and beleive it or not, but I think you have some good clear insight.

I had to stop expecting people to have the same revelations as me, and teach my kids to make their own minds up based on the information they are/were presented.  Still in the works, so in 15 years I will tell you how I did

Keep your chin up, and hug your kids.

Aron

jeannie

i fully understand what your going throu. im only 24 and dont have any kids with my "A"...(thank god).. m ex-boyf. was told was his rehab counsellor that he should cut all contact and sever all ties with his family if they wouldnt support him in his sobriety.

the area where my "A" was staying has his scumbag buddies just a stones throw away...the dealers, the cokeheads, the bingedrinkers....all his gang. when he comes out of rehab...for the 18th time....  in a few weeks, he wants to go back to that area where he will be living on his own AGAIN...and taking a job as a.....WAIT FOR IT.... a student rep person that goes around to bars and clubs organising nights out.

AAHHHH HELLO??? AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? AN ALCO SPENDING 90% OF HIS WORKING LIFE IN A BAR...SMART MOVE THERE!!!!!

im sooooo angry. his familys solution was when he came out of rehab they would let him move home and let him live in a separate garage by the house so he would have his own privacy but yet have his family support..... but nnnoooo. this wont suit him i think.

yet his counsellor said he was to ignore his paents as they were trying to control him!!! AND HIS SO CALLED FRIENDS WOULDN'T?????? im so angry and frustrated, im fighting a losing battle.

thats why he's my EX. i couldnt put up with that turmoil in my life. his rehab counsellor also says he doesnt have to take his financial responsibility seriously "just yet"...whats she waiting for....the sky to fall? its unreal. so he's fine...drying out in rehab...and im the one getting all his bills for gas, phone, etc..... no to mentions solicitors letters if the bills arent paid.

not my problem. there his mess..not mine. those rehab people dont have a clue how to deal with real life people and real life situations...they are getting all their teachings from textbook cases. im sooo mad!

rebecca

Jeannie you have every right to be angry!! I think what I would do is go to the county or whatever for assistance!! Tell them your A was told he doesn't have to work etc.,!! I really think they would sort those people out!! What a crazy mixed up world!! It's time he was weaned off the titty!! In my opinion anyway.. with love and support, TLC

Jeannie, I understand your anger, I would be feeling the same way if I were in your shoes. The thing is, though - so you refuse to accept it - what changes? You saying that this is unacceptable will not get any money into your pocket. You only have control over your actions, not his. You might want to look into seeing if you have the legal right to forbid him access, that is something that is in your hands. Social services can probably get you some free or cheap legal advice, and also probably get you in touch with free or cheap counselling. Sounds like your kids could use it (you too, it's so great to talk to someone knowledgable and non judgemental - I loved the way my counsellor made me feel validated). Alcoholics need to know that the world does not stop turning because they are trying to stop drinking. It's the first of the many lessons they have to learn if they are ever to grow up, and sober up. Accepting that this is a disease does not mean that we accept unacceptable behaviour, it just means that we don't have to hate the A for what he does to us. If there is a way to get money out of him, I would go for it. However, you can't get blood from a stone, and trying to squeeze it out only gives you a sore hand. All this anger is not hurting him, it is hurting YOU, and your kids, and you are the person you need to be concerned with. Try to find a way to deal with it constructively, and so what if it may appear to an onlooker that he is getting away with something. YOU are the one heading toward serenity, with the love and trust of your children. He's not getting anything.

Dear Jeannie, It is good to vent your anger, and I fully understand where you are coming from. My daughter is a recovering A, she had an ex (THANK GOD FOR THE EX BIT), boyfriend who was a "recovering" heroin addict. He went to rehab, then, straight away became a counsellor. Now, he is counselling young, vulnerable kids trying to get off drugs, but, those who know, swear he is back using. Now, here is the rub, his supervisor is an A, and is drinking again. If/when, he wakes up to himself, he has nowhere to go - the supervisor was his work placement officer, it is such a sick scene, a scandal. My son was recently in a psychiatric ward, what an eye opener - give them the meds and leave them to it. He had a particularly nasty male nurse, a bully, who liked to verbally threaten to force injections. I went over his head. As my late husband had a long term illness, I am familiar with the standards expected. I insisted on seeing the "mission statement" of the ward, the aims and objectives, and I insisted on an appointment with the psychiatrist, with a copy of the care plan (I know it did not exist until I kicked up). I dont know how the system works in the US, but feel sure the rehab place must have some standards to meet, or they would not be accredited. The hardest thing for me, was keeping my anger in check - when I approached things firmly, but reasonably, and asked to speak to line managers, I got the best results. I have to tell you I also got involved in a middle of the night phone call, where I threatened to sue everything that moved in the entire hospital!!!! (Got nowhere with that one). For what it is worth, I think you totally justified. Surely rehab there to help people face the reality of life? Good luck, Lots of love, Flora xxxx

Jeannie, Boy, I understand where you are coming from...although from a bit of a different perspective. Both my parents are addicts. When I hit my mid 20s it suddenly became clear to me how neither of them performed basic parental functions for my brother and I. No regular jobs for them, I ate mostly at friends' houses, we got hand me down clothes from relatives. We had been so used to doing everything ourselves or relying on other people to help us that it wasn't until I got out into the world that I really understood that it's a parents' responsibility to take care of their kids, twisted as that may sound. I was thoroughly pissed for a couple of years before I found Alanon and read the book From Survival to Recovery. There's a story in there about a kid who blames his addict mom for everything bad that ever happened to him. She tells him "I may have caused your problems, but the solution is in your hands." I wrote that down on a post it note and I carry it in my wallet. My parents are irresponsible. They always have been, and they may always will be. But I need to take steps from here to take care of me the best I can. I totally see where you're coming from. I also think your kids are lucky to have you looking out for them. Your HP WILL help you if you keep looking out for the next best thing to do. Mine has helped me do the same. (((jeannie)))

This is just the kind of idiot who can do damage that can never be repaired. Yep, anger is an emotion all right. We are human and sometimes feel that emotion. For the woman to have said these things to you is downright irresponsible and stupid. Were I you, I'd have nothing more to do with this uncaring, unseeing person. She is poison. I would love to spit in her face!!!! What are her credentials anyway? Just reading your post makes me angry. Your dad makes a lot of sense. Listen to him instead. With love and caring, Diva

Hi Jeannie,

Vent your anger and then stop dealing with this incompetent idiot at re-hab. I have a question from a different perspective here.  How responsible was your A before he started drinking?  Did he have the motivation then to hold down a steady job and take his role as a Dad seriously?  Maybe we tend to gloss over the addiction sometimes and use it as an excuse for non performance in lots of areas.  Keep your chin up.  Luv Leo xx  

Hi Leo,

You made a great point. I wouldn't know how he would be if he wasn't drinking. My A started drinking at 16. When we where young I laughed it off, back then I even went out drinking with him. Then I grew up and he didn't. For the first half of our marriage he worked for a company that liked him and put up with him. We managed okay. Even then he was very dependant on his parents. But he took being a Dad very seriously, he was a big kid himslef, but always was involved with the kids. The company he worked for and him parted company when he joined the Union, he began to drink more and more often and I started to see it as a problem. I started to do all the usual things to get him to stop drinking, they didn't work. because he made decent money I could keep his mother somewhat at bay. Then he got hurt on the job, and was out on comp for 2 years. We where strapped finacially and he began depending on his parents for evreything. I began going to Alanon and he began spending more and more time wiht his parents. he has not been able to hold a steady job since and the dependence ane the drinkiing became unbearable. Now there are health issues as well. The horrible part is that the dependance on his parents has become more of a problem than his drinking. As the drinking progressed so did their weird relationship.

The truth is while his drinking has progressed over the years, he has gotten worse, but I am the one who changed. Like I said, I grew up. There has only been one completely sober point in our lives together, that was for 6 months 13 years ago, aside from that, I don't know.