I admit I am helpless - totally helpless. This is crazy to go the last two months of my life feeling this way every single morning. I cant stand waking up sick to my stomach every day anymore - the pain is so intense. I am dying inside my own emotional prison. I sleep because of sleeping pills and I wake up anxious and cant calm myself down - however I have no idea what I am anxious about. I know I dont want him back right now - I cant do that to myself. I know its not that I feel lonely. I really never have the urge to call him (except last night when I got a call from him and wanted to call him to yell at him for being so selfish). So why am I anxious - why cant I sleep - why am I physically sick - why can I not relax anymore?
I want to give up - I am so frustrated and so exhausted.
nikkilou said
Dec 8, 2005
I have felt the same before. Fear of what lies ahead of me. Fear of letting go to my HP. Losing control (but I was never realy in control). Once I let go took one day at a time some times one hour at a time. Peace came over me. I sleep at night i wake up with out that sick feeling. It took time. I hope you find the peace you need.
NIKKILOU
megan said
Dec 8, 2005
Hi Cyn
I am very sorry for your pain.
I left my alcoholic husband of 14 years in may and it is very hard and scary and lonely.
It is also peaceful.
I now have many more good days then bad.
I am able to move forward.
In the beginning I was very anxious.
I had nightmares that he would shoot me or somehow I would be physically dragged back into the insanity that was my life.
I am getting better.
You can too.
It takes time.
You have your new business to be excited about. that is good progress.
What else can you be thankful for today?
In support
Megan
Karilynn said
Dec 8, 2005
((((((((Cyn))))))))))))),
Believe it or not this too shall pass. I know it doesn't seem like it right now. Just take it one day at a time or moment by moment. The fear of the unknown makes everyone anxious, not knowing what lies ahead is a lot for anyone to handle.
Like Meagan said you have a lot to be thankful for. You have a lot to look foward too. Sometimes when I feel the way you do, I change my focus. I do something that occupies my mind and needs concentration. For me it's crossword puzzles or a particularly complicated recipe. It may sound pretty lame, but when we refocus the energy into something else, before we know it and without realizing it, the turmoil passes.
Keep being good to yourself. You're doing fine. It takes time to get use to being by yourself. Lonliness will be replaced by solitude. Fear will be replaced by peace. Hang in there.
Live strong,
Karilynn
Rebecca said
Dec 8, 2005
cyn
its me honey... are you o.k?
listen to me... this feeling will pass...remeber our stories are identical cyn... i am about 1 month ahead of you in all of this and i remember not being able to function at all bcause of sheer panic and fear inside me... anxious out of my head. my doctor was called to my house by my mom because i refused to eat a morsel of food. i couldnt feel my swallow from all the crying and if i ate a cracker id feel like i was choking on it. i couldnt sleep, couldnt stop thinking... my head was racing with all these thoughts...all these questions of WHY??? WHY ME?? why did he have to turn out like this? why cant i be happy just for once?? why did every single thing get so f**ked up and why did i let it.
your angry at him and your angry at yourself... you have yo let that go pet.... please try and focus on gtting you better. remember what i told you about me being the "sad clown" on the outsie i appear to be a carefree confident young woman of 24... on the inside im dying.
your anxiousness and fear is subconciously to do with your "A" and your worried for him. where is is! what he's doing? who's he with? etc.... at the same time if he stood in front of you, you would want to knock him out with the biggest mallot you could find. you want to get mad at him in the hope you'd be getting even. but in his state he wont remember much of today or yesterday.
cyn... i promise you that the feelings will go away. i didnt believe anyone when they told me this...counsellors, my mom, doctors etc... i kept thinking to myself."what do they know...they arent iving my life...they arent in love with him... they are just telling me this to shut me up"
but they were right cyn.. all it takes is time... time is a great healer. in my situation my "A" starting to drink and me leaving him triggered of in my head something in my past. issues that i never dealt with because i thought they would go away.. i was wrong. no matter how much you bury them they always have a way of coming back to haunt you. i grew up with my mom and grandma so i didnt have a father figure in my life. the conclusion i came to cyn...is that if i wasn't enough to make my dad stay and want me..how i could i make my "A" stay.. my biggest fear is being alone!
but cyn...thats my issue with trusting men in general. i found when i stopped wondering where my "A" was...and stopped the thinking all types of scenerios...then the anxiouness left me...slowly. gradually you will notice a change in yourself cyn...and the realisation of your situation will be not be so "IN YOUR FACE" i promise.
take care cyn...you can pm me anytime
rebecca xxx
bobump said
Dec 8, 2005
Cyn,
You are doing the right things it appears. Your working on yourself. Realize that it takes time to heal, it takes time to find out deep inside what is bothering you. It takes time to change anything that might need to be changed.
Just because there are others in your life that think you should be fixed now and don't seem to support how you are going about it, doesn't mean your not doing great. Your doing the best you can under a crappy situation and so many of us here are proud of ya {{{{{Cyn}}}}}}
I'm sorry to hear about your dog. I know you didn't need any added pain. They say that your HP only gives you what you can handle. Maybe he knows you need help for all of this though and is just hoping you'll as for it.
Bob
abbyal said
Dec 8, 2005
Hello Cyn . until we let go of the obsession not much changes for us. There is nothing we can do about them , period. we have tried it all by the time we reach Al-Anon nothing worked but we still keep on trying that is our insanity doing the same t hings over and over again thinking this time it will be diff. I used to get ticked when people would say that this is a simple program , it's us that complicates it. Simple Yes but never confuse it with easy.
Giving back someones life and allowing them the dignity to live it the way they choose is damn hard work had to remind myself every day to let go of the things i had no control over. We all have choices and I finally chose to get happy and get my life back.
I really hope u take the trip to chicago to see your friend it will be good for you to get away for awhile. You are separated but he is still controlling your life , you for some reason don't think that u deserve to be happy while he is suffering , (he too has a choice as to how to live his life) I would suggest u read all you can on Live and Let Live and Let Go and Let God find a page that u like and read it every day til your living it.
Your life is important too cyn one day u will realize that just keep commin add some extra meetings to your week get out and meet more people put yourself out there. Your worth the effort cyn if you don't believe it yet - I do . Louise
rosie light shines said
Dec 8, 2005
Cyn wrote: So why am I anxious - why cant I sleep - why am I physically sick - why can I not relax anymore? I want to give up - I am so frustrated and so exhausted.
change SUCKS, even good change......it will subside....you took care of U, separating, and its an adjustment...like pulling a infected tooth...it hurts like hell for a while, but than it goes away......ONE DAY AT A TIME..........rosie
Feather said
Dec 8, 2005
(((((Cyn)))))
I too have separated from my A. And felt your pain, as others have said it will ease little by little, day by day.
In my early days alone, I would make myself do something, something I usually enjoyed, that took me out of the house and believe me many days it was a struggle but I forced myself - I called it my "distraction therapy". Something like walking the dog around the block and admiring the gardens - even if it distracted me and made me relax for 10 minutes it was worthwhile.
For me I was stressing about the whole big picture and future thing, I soon learned - One day at a time.
I admit I am helpless - totally helpless. This is crazy to go the last two months of my life feeling this way every single morning. I cant stand waking up sick to my stomach every day anymore - the pain is so intense. I am dying inside my own emotional prison. I sleep because of sleeping pills and I wake up anxious and cant calm myself down - however I have no idea what I am anxious about. I know I dont want him back right now - I cant do that to myself. I know its not that I feel lonely. I really never have the urge to call him (except last night when I got a call from him and wanted to call him to yell at him for being so selfish). So why am I anxious - why cant I sleep - why am I physically sick - why can I not relax anymore?
I want to give up - I am so frustrated and so exhausted.
I have felt the same before. Fear of what lies ahead of me. Fear of letting go to my HP. Losing control (but I was never realy in control). Once I let go took one day at a time some times one hour at a time. Peace came over me. I sleep at night i wake up with out that sick feeling. It took time. I hope you find the peace you need.
NIKKILOU
Hi Cyn
I am very sorry for your pain.
I left my alcoholic husband of 14 years in may and it is very hard and scary and lonely.
It is also peaceful.
I now have many more good days then bad.
I am able to move forward.
In the beginning I was very anxious.
I had nightmares that he would shoot me or somehow I would be physically dragged back into the insanity that was my life.
I am getting better.
You can too.
It takes time.
You have your new business to be excited about. that is good progress.
What else can you be thankful for today?
In support
Megan
cyn
its me honey... are you o.k?
listen to me... this feeling will pass...remeber our stories are identical cyn... i am about 1 month ahead of you in all of this and i remember not being able to function at all bcause of sheer panic and fear inside me... anxious out of my head. my doctor was called to my house by my mom because i refused to eat a morsel of food. i couldnt feel my swallow from all the crying and if i ate a cracker id feel like i was choking on it. i couldnt sleep, couldnt stop thinking... my head was racing with all these thoughts...all these questions of WHY??? WHY ME?? why did he have to turn out like this? why cant i be happy just for once?? why did every single thing get so f**ked up and why did i let it.
your angry at him and your angry at yourself... you have yo let that go pet.... please try and focus on gtting you better. remember what i told you about me being the "sad clown" on the outsie i appear to be a carefree confident young woman of 24... on the inside im dying.
your anxiousness and fear is subconciously to do with your "A" and your worried for him. where is is! what he's doing? who's he with? etc.... at the same time if he stood in front of you, you would want to knock him out with the biggest mallot you could find. you want to get mad at him in the hope you'd be getting even. but in his state he wont remember much of today or yesterday.
cyn... i promise you that the feelings will go away. i didnt believe anyone when they told me this...counsellors, my mom, doctors etc... i kept thinking to myself."what do they know...they arent iving my life...they arent in love with him... they are just telling me this to shut me up"
but they were right cyn.. all it takes is time... time is a great healer. in my situation my "A" starting to drink and me leaving him triggered of in my head something in my past. issues that i never dealt with because i thought they would go away.. i was wrong. no matter how much you bury them they always have a way of coming back to haunt you. i grew up with my mom and grandma so i didnt have a father figure in my life. the conclusion i came to cyn...is that if i wasn't enough to make my dad stay and want me..how i could i make my "A" stay.. my biggest fear is being alone!
but cyn...thats my issue with trusting men in general. i found when i stopped wondering where my "A" was...and stopped the thinking all types of scenerios...then the anxiouness left me...slowly. gradually you will notice a change in yourself cyn...and the realisation of your situation will be not be so "IN YOUR FACE" i promise.
take care cyn...you can pm me anytime
rebecca xxx
Hello Cyn . until we let go of the obsession not much changes for us. There is nothing we can do about them , period. we have tried it all by the time we reach Al-Anon nothing worked but we still keep on trying that is our insanity doing the same t hings over and over again thinking this time it will be diff. I used to get ticked when people would say that this is a simple program , it's us that complicates it. Simple Yes but never confuse it with easy.
Giving back someones life and allowing them the dignity to live it the way they choose is damn hard work had to remind myself every day to let go of the things i had no control over. We all have choices and I finally chose to get happy and get my life back.
I really hope u take the trip to chicago to see your friend it will be good for you to get away for awhile. You are separated but he is still controlling your life , you for some reason don't think that u deserve to be happy while he is suffering , (he too has a choice as to how to live his life) I would suggest u read all you can on Live and Let Live and Let Go and Let God find a page that u like and read it every day til your living it.
Your life is important too cyn one day u will realize that just keep commin add some extra meetings to your week get out and meet more people put yourself out there. Your worth the effort cyn if you don't believe it yet - I do . Louise
change SUCKS, even good change......it will subside....you took care of U, separating, and its an adjustment...like pulling a infected tooth...it hurts like hell for a while, but than it goes away......ONE DAY AT A TIME..........rosie
(((((Cyn)))))
I too have separated from my A. And felt your pain, as others have said it will ease little by little, day by day.
In my early days alone, I would make myself do something, something I usually enjoyed, that took me out of the house and believe me many days it was a struggle but I forced myself - I called it my "distraction therapy". Something like walking the dog around the block and admiring the gardens - even if it distracted me and made me relax for 10 minutes it was worthwhile.
For me I was stressing about the whole big picture and future thing, I soon learned - One day at a time.
Take Care and Stay Strong,
Feather