Well, it has been quite a long time since I posted here. I guess that I, like my A thought I could do it on my own. Well, actually that is not true, I know that I cannot do it on my own, rather, I have just fallen back into my old self of not sharing and thinking things could just go on the way they are. So here I am back again and feeling lost. My A went through rehab this past summer and has been home since August. He quit his job when he came home and is still not working. I was supportive of his leaving the job, although we really could not afford it, it was just not a healthy environment for him to be in. The honeymoon period lasted about 3-4 weeks, meetings regularly, seeming to get involved in a program, keeping in contact with people in the program etc. Lots of big ideas but..... no follow through. He has not been to a meeting since September, no sponsor, no counseling, no job, NO FOLLOW through. But I just keep my mouth shut. I have strong suspicions that he is getting high, I asked him about it once and asked that he go for a test, well he didn't. I am falling back into my habits of searching for evidence, not sure what I will do with it when I find it. It sure was easier when he was drinking, IT was OBVIOUS!! I hate the sneakiness, lies etc. I just wish I knew what I was dealing with so I could deal with it. Haven't been real good with communication, because I just feel like I will not get the truth anyway. What kind of life/marriage is that? JEEZ I thought it was going to get easier. I am starting to ramble, so I am going to close now with the hopes that someone knows what I am going through and can offer some insight. At least this is a place I feel safe to share and know I will get some kind of honest response. Glad I am back. and Super glad to know I could come back. Lynn

Hi Lynn

Welcome back. The door is always open.

Soon after I started alanon my husband stopped drinking.

I was ecstatic and left alanon, you know he was cured! sure

he was not drinking but not in any program and was the dry drunk.

But still, so much better than the 24/7 drinking that preceeded.

Sure enough, after 5 months of sodriety he relasped. HARD and BAD.

I fled back to these rooms. I embraced the  alanon program yet again and for me, I know I need to stay here and work on me.

Welcome back

Here are the 3 c's you did not cause it you cannot sure it and you cannot control it

 

I do left and came back.  Well I wouldn't say I left.  I fell out of habit.  The good news is, even a month of alanon 4 years ago.  I had gotten some great esh and it gave me a couple new tools to use.

When my A was dry, didn't return.  I knew there was more to learn, more to experience.  It wasn't until I hit a new bottom though that came back.  Your not the first that left and came back and you won't be the last.

What's important is that enough of the program stayed with you for you to know that it would help if you came back.  You gained enough awareness to realize you fell into old and bad habits.   Give yourself credit for those things.

Bob

 

confused,

I went to CODA and therapy years ago. Then I stopped. I think I too thought that we were on easy street especially since my recovering A hadn't drank in so long. However, his dry drunk has been long and arduous for me. He finally just walked out the door. It is that addiction that they struggle with and nothing else matters. We just do what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Welcome back! Keep coming back because it works.

In support,

Nancy

Hi Confused , drunk or sober you are dealing with alcoholism , period .  Work your program  and keep the focus  on you  get back to meetings and get involved  there is no need for you to do this alone.   good luck    Louise

And remember if it looks like a duck  walks like a duck , it is a duck . trust your instints about his drinking and work your program.

It is hard not to going looking for stuff if u are thinking he is doing drugs. My husband has a problem with both. I can deal better with alchol because I know when he does it but it is the drugs and when I have to worry about what is going on. I feel like I have to watch his every more. But watching him is only going to make him hid more. If he is doing drug it will come out it always does. It will take time but u will find the truth. But like me what would it solve if I find out. What are my plans. I am not sure.

Hi Confused, I enjoyed our chat in the room yesterday, as I thought, my system had not updated your share on the boards. I am sad that you looking for evidence, we both know, once you are searching, you know it is probably there. The thing that confuses me (not trying to steal your nick!), is this term "using" - realise you mean drugs, but, do you mean cannabis, or heroin, meth? Sorry I can not give you great esh - all I have to offer you is the fact that I hid things, denied things, ie lied to myself and others. I feel it is best to know what you are dealing with, if asked outright and he blusters, gets angry, is evasive, whatever, trust your own instincts. My daughter used to make up ever more fantastic stories, where she had been, why she could not call - got to the point, where I KNEW when she was drinking. Karl Marx said "Knowledge is Power" - unfortunately, he had not met me! Even when I knew, I did not know what to do with the evidence. In Alanon, I have learned to put the focus on me, though I keep making mistakes, I know now, I can only find recovery for myself. In my heart, I think you know this too. It is so hard, when someone we love has got into a mess. All we can offer you is the program, and the knowledge that many, many others have found recovery, whether the A is still drinking or not. Please keep coming here, and to f2f meetings, you will find strength you did not know you have, and, hopefully, some serenity for yourself. Thank you for sharing, brings me back to reality. Lots of love, Flora xxxxx