Well last night when I got home from work my "A" was not home. He had been home at some point and then left again. He did not come home last night at all. I really had wanted to go to a f2f, but I couldn't with the children. So I cleaned house, helped my 6 year old with her homework, played with the younger 2 kids, and read some literature. I wasn't doing great, but I wasn't doing bad either.
I also spoke to my 6 year old. She was having a hard time with her dad not being home. SO she and I had a long talk about feelings. And that it is okay to feel what we feel, and it is also important to share those feelings. We talked about her talking to her dad about it, but she just wanted to talk to me, and I said that was fine. I shared a tiny bit on feelings myself. Just enough to help her feel comfortable to share with me, but I didn't unload on her.
When the kids and I left this morning I left him a note on the TV, thinking he would come home again while I was gone. I asked him to call me when he got home. He just did. I just got off the phone with him. He said that he is going to start his outpatient on Monday and that he is tired of the obsession and the daily struggle. I so want to believe him, but I have heard it before. And trust is not something I can give him right now.
I told him that if he was not in rehab on Monday he had to leave. His meth use and disapering for days is not acceptable. He has requirements that have been put on him and his failing to do so will have affects on me and the children and I can't have that. I will not allow my children to have even less than they have now because daddy wants to go get loaded for days at a time. I told him that saying that to him was reall difficult. I told him that I love him, and I want him to be a part of our family, and that if it wasn't for the children things would be different, but I can't risk them losing their housing because of him.
I believe that I was very loving in the way that I said it. I was not upset, but calm. I also said that I was looking forward to seeing him when I got home. I don't want to make him feel worse than he is making himself feel. I just want to say my feelings and why I feel them. I used "I statements". I know that since he is coming down that having a heavy conversation is not a good thing to try right now, but I do believe he and I need to chat after he has had sometime to come down and normalize again.
I know that since I said that I want him to leave if he doesn't follow through with rehab, I must follow through with that. That is one of the reasons why I have never said "you need to leave" I have always believed that he is where his HP wants him to be. I also believe that I am to, and I feel a peace about it. I did it because I was taking care of me by saying it.
I feel so much better by getting this all out is a safe place.
Thanks!
Much Love,
pixel04 said
Dec 7, 2005
(((dolphin))) thanks for sharing. I'm proud of you. Way to keep the focus where it needs to be. Your daughter is lucky to have you as her mom :)
megan said
Dec 7, 2005
Hi Mandy
Good work keeping the focus on you.
(((Mandy)))
You and your family are in my prayers
bobump said
Dec 7, 2005
Great ESH for those of us who may be in similiar situations as someday or have been through it.
It sounded like you really worked it right and made the best of a bad situation while he wasn't home and did wonderful by your kids. Once he came home, you set your boundry and even did well by the 'haxi-list'. LOL
My A doesn't take off but she has her own behaviors which are destructive to the family. I understand the pain you go through enduring it. I'm inspired how you handled it and appreciate your sharing it with us.
TFS !
Bob
canadianguy said
Dec 8, 2005
Well, for what it's worth Dolphin, you might just be handling this in a way that "opens the door for him" to get sober..... None of us can really know the how, or when, but it really sounds like you are where you need to be, and hopefully he truly wants to get better...
One thought, about between now and Monday..... is there anything that "really" needs to be said, between the two of you, that can't wait until he is in, or finished, his rehab? The only reason I bring this up, is that most addicts, in my experience, are VERY scared right before they finally are owning up to their addictions - and many times will use these "heart to heart talks", that we have in the days leading up - as their springboard of blame and avoidance, so that they can "not go to Detox, cuz you said XXXXXX".
Regardless, it is all hopefully positive steps towards the best thing for you and your family.....
Tom
leo said
Dec 8, 2005
Hi Dolphin,
Be proud of yourself. Your A has responsibilities as a Dad that you feel he is not fulfilling and you are putting your children first. You are setting the boundary for their wellbeing. Keep your chin up. Luv Leo xx
tea2 said
Dec 8, 2005
(((Dolphin))) You handled that so incredibly well. Your daughter (all the children) are blessed to have you as their mom. Your share shows many tools in action, IMO, you've have done so much who could possibly ask of anything more? Handing it over to his and your HP is the right thing and nice to hear you're feeling at peace with all things considered. Thank you for posting this and many well wishes that he may find it to detox, I agree with focusing on "you" tea2
Hello Roomies,
Well last night when I got home from work my "A" was not home. He had been home at some point and then left again. He did not come home last night at all. I really had wanted to go to a f2f, but I couldn't with the children. So I cleaned house, helped my 6 year old with her homework, played with the younger 2 kids, and read some literature. I wasn't doing great, but I wasn't doing bad either.
I also spoke to my 6 year old. She was having a hard time with her dad not being home. SO she and I had a long talk about feelings. And that it is okay to feel what we feel, and it is also important to share those feelings. We talked about her talking to her dad about it, but she just wanted to talk to me, and I said that was fine. I shared a tiny bit on feelings myself. Just enough to help her feel comfortable to share with me, but I didn't unload on her.
When the kids and I left this morning I left him a note on the TV, thinking he would come home again while I was gone. I asked him to call me when he got home. He just did. I just got off the phone with him. He said that he is going to start his outpatient on Monday and that he is tired of the obsession and the daily struggle. I so want to believe him, but I have heard it before. And trust is not something I can give him right now.
I told him that if he was not in rehab on Monday he had to leave. His meth use and disapering for days is not acceptable. He has requirements that have been put on him and his failing to do so will have affects on me and the children and I can't have that. I will not allow my children to have even less than they have now because daddy wants to go get loaded for days at a time. I told him that saying that to him was reall difficult. I told him that I love him, and I want him to be a part of our family, and that if it wasn't for the children things would be different, but I can't risk them losing their housing because of him.
I believe that I was very loving in the way that I said it. I was not upset, but calm. I also said that I was looking forward to seeing him when I got home. I don't want to make him feel worse than he is making himself feel. I just want to say my feelings and why I feel them. I used "I statements". I know that since he is coming down that having a heavy conversation is not a good thing to try right now, but I do believe he and I need to chat after he has had sometime to come down and normalize again.
I know that since I said that I want him to leave if he doesn't follow through with rehab, I must follow through with that. That is one of the reasons why I have never said "you need to leave" I have always believed that he is where his HP wants him to be. I also believe that I am to, and I feel a peace about it. I did it because I was taking care of me by saying it.
I feel so much better by getting this all out is a safe place.
Thanks!
Much Love,
Hi Mandy
Good work keeping the focus on you.
(((Mandy)))
You and your family are in my prayers
Great ESH for those of us who may be in similiar situations as someday or have been through it.
It sounded like you really worked it right and made the best of a bad situation while he wasn't home and did wonderful by your kids. Once he came home, you set your boundry and even did well by the 'haxi-list'. LOL
My A doesn't take off but she has her own behaviors which are destructive to the family. I understand the pain you go through enduring it. I'm inspired how you handled it and appreciate your sharing it with us.
TFS !
Bob
Well, for what it's worth Dolphin, you might just be handling this in a way that "opens the door for him" to get sober..... None of us can really know the how, or when, but it really sounds like you are where you need to be, and hopefully he truly wants to get better...
One thought, about between now and Monday..... is there anything that "really" needs to be said, between the two of you, that can't wait until he is in, or finished, his rehab? The only reason I bring this up, is that most addicts, in my experience, are VERY scared right before they finally are owning up to their addictions - and many times will use these "heart to heart talks", that we have in the days leading up - as their springboard of blame and avoidance, so that they can "not go to Detox, cuz you said XXXXXX".
Regardless, it is all hopefully positive steps towards the best thing for you and your family.....
Tom
Hi Dolphin,
Be proud of yourself. Your A has responsibilities as a Dad that you feel he is not fulfilling and you are putting your children first. You are setting the boundary for their wellbeing. Keep your chin up. Luv Leo xx
(((Dolphin)))
You handled that so incredibly well. Your daughter (all the children) are blessed to have you as their mom.
Your share shows many tools in action, IMO, you've have done so much who could possibly ask of anything more? Handing it over to his and your HP is the right thing and nice to hear you're feeling at peace with all things considered. Thank you for posting this and many well wishes that he may find it to detox, I agree with focusing on "you"
tea2