Setting Boundaries..and having a difficult time saying no
Lauren ashley said
Dec 7, 2005
Hello all...
Does this sound familiar the not being able to say no? and the difficulty of setting boundaries??
Yes this is what we are afraid of,or at least I am. I have soo much trouble saying no let it be something so little as not wanting to go to the store. I feel guilty every time I say no.why is that?? It is because I am always trying to please people.I always want their approval
This I know has a lot to do with being sexually abused,and growing up in an alcoholic enviornment. I want to change this. I don't want to be like this..meaning depressed my whole life because of what people did to me. That would be giving them power.I am n o longer a victim.I am completely capable of standing up and not being a follower.
I have to take that initiative and be a leader.I finally had a rude awakening last night. I thought about 30 yrs from now. I thought to myself omg I don't want to be like this 30 yrs from now,or even 10 years from now.
I also realized I was depressed as long as i let it be.Depression is anger turned inward. I am or was angry at myself for allwong bad things to ahppen to me at a tender age.Then I thought to myself "Lauren you are still so depressed because you have not let it go"
I know how hard it is for us to let things go...It is easier said than done,but if we or I want to move on with my life I have to "Let go and Let God" I need to let his will be done,and not use my way of dealing with things because my way isn't the right way,and it won't be the right way until I realize that I can't change what happened in the past.
The past needs to be the past.I still have trouble in th is area,but it is getting better each time"Progress over Perfection" is the key.
I need to be proud of the little things I have done.ie coming here,and trying to better myself. We all here need to be proud.We took that first step. We decided what we were going through was too much to handle,and that we wanted help.For a lot of us this was our only hope.I know it was mine. I had tried therapy medicine,and etc,but those feeling still were there,and that pain never subsided.
I learned that this program has helped me more than medicine and therapy.I actually look forward to go to my meetings.RTherapy I totally dread going. I figured out why I don't like therapy as much because therapists don't share their ESP. They don't understand what it is to live in that enviornment,and what it feels like to be all alone.
That is why I enjoy listening to the shares here..because a lot of times It is like they are telling me my story,and that is wonderful....
Lauren~
pixel04 said
Dec 7, 2005
Hi Lauren - thanks for your post. I can relate to a lot of what you said. Sounds like you and I have similar backgrounds ;)
I have also had to learn not to look for approval from other people. It's hard to do at first, when that is all you have ever done. Sounds like you are doing a good job of learning to break the pattern!
I laughed when you described your rude awakening - not wanting to still be doing those things in 10 years. I have had the same thought. One day at a time. In can be different for me tomorrow, even, just by little choices I make.
Little by little I've learned to become more assertive - that is, stick up for myself without having to put other people down to do it. I didn't realize that was a hard thing for me to do, but it was in the beginning. I'm getting better. You know what helps me? Every day I write down three things I did well during the day, and three things I know I could handle differently next time. Helps keep me focused :)
Thanks for sharing, Lauren - love your posts.
Kristen
kitty said
Dec 7, 2005
wow, great progress sugar! Geezz... hate to repeat your whole post but what u said was so powerful!
" I don't want to be like this..meaning depressed my whole life because of what people did to me. That would be giving them power.I am n o longer a victim.I am completely capable of standing up and not being a follower. I have to take that initiative and be a leader. I finally had a rude awakening last night. I thought about 30 yrs from now. I thought to myself omg I don't want to be like this 30 yrs from now,or even 10 years from now. I also realized I was depressed as long as i let it be.Depression is anger turned inward. I am or was angry at myself for allwong bad things to ahppen to me at a tender age.Then I thought to myself "Lauren you are still so depressed because you have not let it go" "
Depression is anger we feel we don't have a right to have, turned inward same thing... being depressed is awful - u know about me, for 20 years girl & it gets so bad you don't even want to feel better when ppl try to reach out & help you, you grow to love your misery. I commend you for that 'god-send' of a flash of a realisation, cognitive shift or wtvr! It is great to see you take your power back.
I found that I had to forgive myself for being human & all that before I felt lighter, forgive those that harmed me too cuz they don't care if you are upset in fact it gives them power over you. As my very intelligent therapist put it: "when you don't forgive you are sparing the wrath of god from them." In other words, u buffer god's ability to touch them or intervein by protecting them with your anger ~ it is better for you to let go as you feel relieved, lighter, free & god is also able to touch you in love... karma is ten-fold, I believe that, god will seek vengence.
"I know how hard it is for us to let things go...It is easier said than done,but if we or I want to move on with my life I have to "Let go and Let God" I need to let his will be done,and not use my way of dealing with things because my way isn't the right way,and it won't be the right way until I realize that I can't change what happened in the past."
Again, this was hard, to 'Let Go & Let God' but once I forgave myself for being human, for failing, for being wounded, hurt, everything... it gets easier every day. Once I kept a spark of love for me, one little crumb that I searched desperately for from others, gave myself a crumb, I could feel it. It was over whelming, but today I have a tiny flame of genuine love for myself... it's only been about a month but I am getting stronger, through daily use of this Program, my fellowship here & prayer.
"I need to be proud of the little things I have done.ie coming here,and trying to better myself. We all here need to be proud.We took that first step. We decided what we were going through was too much to handle,and that we wanted help.For a lot of us this was our only hope.I know it was mine"
In the beginning 5 months ago, if I felt any hope for the A, it meant I wasn't having hope for me. I had no hope. Even baby, microscopic steps are still steps forward, you deserve lots of credit. You fought to keep coming back w/ ur g/parents... I am sure you could move mountains. It is hard to realize but I think we survive this abuse so God can let us know, just how much strength we really do have.
Asking for help, letting down walls, is a really big step... you deserve ots of credit & your own good, pure love! Stick with it, it is nice to be a witness to your growth, thanks for sharing!
love, -K
bobump said
Dec 7, 2005
Lauren ashley wrote:
Hello all... Does this sound familiar the not being able to say no? and the difficulty of setting boundaries?? Yes this is what we are afraid of,or at least I am. I have soo much trouble saying no let it be something so little as not wanting to go to the store. I feel guilty every time I say no.why is that??
Funny you should bring this up. Today in my Step Meeting we went back to revist Step 1 in the Path's to Recovery Book. One of the questions at the end of Step 1 was:
Do I say "yes" when I want to say "no"? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
So Lauren, your not the only one of us. It appears to be very common. I know this is me. I hate saying no so much I actually have gotten upset at my kids for putting me in the position to say no. We are only one income, and with an A who doesn't take care of herself have tons of medical bills. There never seems to be anything left over and I'm in this position all the time. I HATE IT !
I also know that I've constantly done things because I didn't want to say no. Some of the stupidest things that constantly over and over let md to resent people for continuing to ask me. And when I finally did say no, I had programed them to expect me to say yes and the battles insued.
I'm not a program of an A or sexual abuse, but I am a product of a mother who had been abused sexually. There may have been some A abuse in her parents as well. I recently found out that my Dad's dad list list parents when he was young and had to live w/ his aunts. He was not allowed to sleep in the house but was left to live in the barn. My Aunt and Grandma can not come up with any reasons that my Dad was the way he was. ( he was overly strict, controlling, not very outwardly loving, though he loved me in his own way ).
I can see where my patterns started to develop in ways I've yet to fully understand. I even see some of these things in my children now. I love how you are aware of so much of this now. Your giving yourself better tools to live a better life.
Keep up the great work girl !
Bob
nmike said
Dec 8, 2005
Lauren Ashley,
I sense some growth in your post today. I can identify with the sexual abuse and loss of personal power. Consider finding a good therapist or group work for this. I went to several workshops and I honestly believe that this is not something you can take care of alone. By going I was able to get most of my personal power back.
In support,
Nancy
bobump said
Dec 8, 2005
nmike......a huge {{nmike}} for getting the help you needed.
My A and my mom were both abused as children (can you say pattern). One of them got no help, and I think some of her coda pattern rubbed off on me. My A got help but always seemed to back out once she almost dealth with the deep issues, the ones that are the most painful to deal with. The ones that need to be dealth with the most. This gave me a chance to engage w/ all my learned coda habits.
I've seen first hand what hell the lives for those around them an for themselves can be without the proper help.
Bob
Lauren ashley said
Dec 8, 2005
I am glad I was able to enlighten a few of you guys...
(((Nancy))) if you ever want to talk I am here to listen
nycbt said
Dec 8, 2005
Thank you for sharing I was able to bring some stuff to my attention.
Hello all...
Does this sound familiar the not being able to say no? and the difficulty of setting boundaries??
Yes this is what we are afraid of,or at least I am. I have soo much trouble saying no let it be something so little as not wanting to go to the store. I feel guilty every time I say no.why is that?? It is because I am always trying to please people.I always want their approval
This I know has a lot to do with being sexually abused,and growing up in an alcoholic enviornment. I want to change this. I don't want to be like this..meaning depressed my whole life because of what people did to me. That would be giving them power.I am n o longer a victim.I am completely capable of standing up and not being a follower.
I have to take that initiative and be a leader.I finally had a rude awakening last night. I thought about 30 yrs from now. I thought to myself omg I don't want to be like this 30 yrs from now,or even 10 years from now.
I also realized I was depressed as long as i let it be.Depression is anger turned inward. I am or was angry at myself for allwong bad things to ahppen to me at a tender age.Then I thought to myself "Lauren you are still so depressed because you have not let it go"
I know how hard it is for us to let things go...It is easier said than done,but if we or I want to move on with my life I have to "Let go and Let God" I need to let his will be done,and not use my way of dealing with things because my way isn't the right way,and it won't be the right way until I realize that I can't change what happened in the past.
The past needs to be the past.I still have trouble in th is area,but it is getting better each time"Progress over Perfection" is the key.
I need to be proud of the little things I have done.ie coming here,and trying to better myself. We all here need to be proud.We took that first step. We decided what we were going through was too much to handle,and that we wanted help.For a lot of us this was our only hope.I know it was mine. I had tried therapy medicine,and etc,but those feeling still were there,and that pain never subsided.
I learned that this program has helped me more than medicine and therapy.I actually look forward to go to my meetings.RTherapy I totally dread going. I figured out why I don't like therapy as much because therapists don't share their ESP. They don't understand what it is to live in that enviornment,and what it feels like to be all alone.
That is why I enjoy listening to the shares here..because a lot of times It is like they are telling me my story,and that is wonderful....
Lauren~
" I don't want to be like this..meaning depressed my whole life because of what people did to me. That would be giving them power.I am n o longer a victim.I am completely capable of standing up and not being a follower. I have to take that initiative and be a leader. I finally had a rude awakening last night. I thought about 30 yrs from now. I thought to myself omg I don't want to be like this 30 yrs from now,or even 10 years from now. I also realized I was depressed as long as i let it be.Depression is anger turned inward. I am or was angry at myself for allwong bad things to ahppen to me at a tender age.Then I thought to myself "Lauren you are still so depressed because you have not let it go"
"
Depression is anger we feel we don't have a right to have, turned inward same thing... being depressed is awful - u know about me, for 20 years girl & it gets so bad you don't even want to feel better when ppl try to reach out & help you, you grow to love your misery. I commend you for that 'god-send' of a flash of a realisation, cognitive shift or wtvr! It is great to see you take your power back.
I found that I had to forgive myself for being human & all that before I felt lighter, forgive those that harmed me too cuz they don't care if you are upset in fact it gives them power over you. As my very intelligent therapist put it: "when you don't forgive you are sparing the wrath of god from them." In other words, u buffer god's ability to touch them or intervein by protecting them with your anger ~ it is better for you to let go as you feel relieved, lighter, free & god is also able to touch you in love... karma is ten-fold, I believe that, god will seek vengence.
"I know how hard it is for us to let things go...It is easier said than done,but if we or I want to move on with my life I have to "Let go and Let God" I need to let his will be done,and not use my way of dealing with things because my way isn't the right way,and it won't be the right way until I realize that I can't change what happened in the past."
Again, this was hard, to 'Let Go & Let God' but once I forgave myself for being human, for failing, for being wounded, hurt, everything... it gets easier every day. Once I kept a spark of love for me, one little crumb that I searched desperately for from others, gave myself a crumb, I could feel it. It was over whelming, but today I have a tiny flame of genuine love for myself... it's only been about a month but I am getting stronger, through daily use of this Program, my fellowship here & prayer.
"I need to be proud of the little things I have done.ie coming here,and trying to better myself. We all here need to be proud.We took that first step. We decided what we were going through was too much to handle,and that we wanted help.For a lot of us this was our only hope.I know it was mine"
In the beginning 5 months ago, if I felt any hope for the A, it meant I wasn't having hope for me. I had no hope. Even baby, microscopic steps are still steps forward, you deserve lots of credit. You fought to keep coming back w/ ur g/parents... I am sure you could move mountains. It is hard to realize but I think we survive this abuse so God can let us know, just how much strength we really do have.
Asking for help, letting down walls, is a really big step... you deserve ots of credit & your own good, pure love! Stick with it, it is nice to be a witness to your growth, thanks for sharing!
love, -K
Lauren Ashley,
I sense some growth in your post today. I can identify with the sexual abuse and loss of personal power. Consider finding a good therapist or group work for this. I went to several workshops and I honestly believe that this is not something you can take care of alone. By going I was able to get most of my personal power back.
In support,
Nancy
nmike......a huge {{nmike}} for getting the help you needed.
My A and my mom were both abused as children (can you say pattern). One of them got no help, and I think some of her coda pattern rubbed off on me. My A got help but always seemed to back out once she almost dealth with the deep issues, the ones that are the most painful to deal with. The ones that need to be dealth with the most. This gave me a chance to engage w/ all my learned coda habits.
I've seen first hand what hell the lives for those around them an for themselves can be without the proper help.
Bob
I am glad I was able to enlighten a few of you guys...
(((Nancy))) if you ever want to talk I am here to listen
Thank you for sharing I was able to bring some stuff to my attention.