I am seeking advice on how to handle a sister, who has been struggling with alcoholism for several years, at the holidays. Almost 2 years ago, after an intervention, my sister went to rehab and was sober for only a few months following. Things have gotten progressively worse again and now she has fallen back to her old ways.
I would love my sister to join me and my immediate family as well extended family (who will all be at my house for the holidays) but I really don't want her around if she is drinking ! What do I do. What do I say? How do I present the situation to her without seeming like the controlling sister. The feeling is share by everyone in the family so is it best to come for everyone not just me ?
Cilla said
Dec 7, 2005
Never a dull moments for us when dealing with alcoholism in our families. Yet the advice that one person uses in their family does not necessarily work for another... with that said and with the understanding that we can only make some suggestions...and if I may....
You didn't say whether or not there were be others drinking at this family gathering... kinda tough in my opinion to put restrictions on one person without appearing to be controlling or judgemental, however... it is possible that when you invite her to this gathering you perhaps could say to her that everybody is excited to get together and you've made the decision that if anybody should get out of hand they will be asked to leave.. possibly even hint that you know she is fond of the drink but would she possibly consider keeping it light that day or to refrain from visiting... suggestions can be a powerful resource.
The three C's... we didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we certiainly cannot control it.
Cilla
abbyal said
Dec 7, 2005
Hi Lost - I am sure most of the family know that she has a drinking problem, so no need to explain you can ask her to not drink that day but don't count on her actually doing it , she is an A she needs to drink just to get thru the day. I would invite her to family gathering and remember that you are not responsible for her behavior . You can't stop her from doing what A's do no one can. If you can accept her for who she is and where she 's at in her life you will have a great day . and your right xmas is for family all of the family.
Have a good one . Louise
pixel04 said
Dec 7, 2005
Hi Lost - I agree with what others have said in that her behavior and her choices are not your responsibility. If she drinks, that is her choice, and not something you need to take on yourself. Let her consequences be her own.
My family regularly has xmas dinner at a buffet at a restaurant because our family is too big to fit in anyone's house. One of my uncles and his wife bring ziploc bags and totes to steal all the food they can before they leave, and it embarrasses me. I've worried whether we would be asked to leave, what other people thought. Last Easter I prayed about this, and as I was watching them stuff shrimp in a bag near the buffet table, I caught the eye of one of the buffet attendants. He smiled and said "And people wonder why it is so expensive!" and winked at me. Well, how about that. It wasn't my problem after all. They weren't pulling one over on anyone. It took care of itself. Now I eat in peace at these things, even if I don't like the fact it's so expensive.
whatever your sister does or doesn't do, her HP is already taking care of the situation. just sit back and enjoy your day :)
canadianguy said
Dec 7, 2005
Lots of options, but if I were you, I would invite her to a "dry" Christmas at your place, where nobody was consuming alcohol.
T
Tiger2006 said
Dec 7, 2005
You just said exactly that--"I would love to spend time with you, but if you're going to be drunk or drinking, I don't want to be there." (Or something like that)
An oldtimer in the program once told me "You can't set boundries and be popular at the same time. Either make friends and be resentful at being a door mat, or be true to yourself and deal with the results."
ODAT said
Dec 8, 2005
Several years ago we said to my brother and sister-in-law: We love seeing you and having you at our house, but only if you are not drinking. We don't drink, several of the relatives bring their own adult beverages but don't abuse it. My boundary is: I don't allow drunk people in my house. It's boring, upsetting, stressful, and unhealthy for the kids. Why should we all suffer while he has a jolly good time.
I am seeking advice on how to handle a sister, who has been struggling with alcoholism for several years, at the holidays. Almost 2 years ago, after an intervention, my sister went to rehab and was sober for only a few months following. Things have gotten progressively worse again and now she has fallen back to her old ways.
I would love my sister to join me and my immediate family as well extended family (who will all be at my house for the holidays) but I really don't want her around if she is drinking ! What do I do. What do I say? How do I present the situation to her without seeming like the controlling sister. The feeling is share by everyone in the family so is it best to come for everyone not just me ?
Never a dull moments for us when dealing with alcoholism in our families. Yet the advice that one person uses in their family does not necessarily work for another... with that said and with the understanding that we can only make some suggestions...and if I may....
You didn't say whether or not there were be others drinking at this family gathering... kinda tough in my opinion to put restrictions on one person without appearing to be controlling or judgemental, however... it is possible that when you invite her to this gathering you perhaps could say to her that everybody is excited to get together and you've made the decision that if anybody should get out of hand they will be asked to leave.. possibly even hint that you know she is fond of the drink but would she possibly consider keeping it light that day or to refrain from visiting... suggestions can be a powerful resource.
The three C's... we didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we certiainly cannot control it.
Cilla
Hi Lost - I am sure most of the family know that she has a drinking problem, so no need to explain you can ask her to not drink that day but don't count on her actually doing it , she is an A she needs to drink just to get thru the day. I would invite her to family gathering and remember that you are not responsible for her behavior . You can't stop her from doing what A's do no one can. If you can accept her for who she is and where she 's at in her life you will have a great day . and your right xmas is for family all of the family.
Have a good one . Louise
Lots of options, but if I were you, I would invite her to a "dry" Christmas at your place, where nobody was consuming alcohol.
T
You just said exactly that--"I would love to spend time with you, but if you're going to be drunk or drinking, I don't want to be there." (Or something like that)
An oldtimer in the program once told me "You can't set boundries and be popular at the same time. Either make friends and be resentful at being a door mat, or be true to yourself and deal with the results."
Several years ago we said to my brother and sister-in-law: We love seeing you and having you at our house, but only if you are not drinking. We don't drink, several of the relatives bring their own adult beverages but don't abuse it. My boundary is: I don't allow drunk people in my house. It's boring, upsetting, stressful, and unhealthy for the kids. Why should we all suffer while he has a jolly good time.
PS Brother is sober now three years through AA