from my A are sad.  Last night he called again. He had gone to a meeting and was feeling down about everything he has done.  There was a speaker who was discussing his marriages and my A was (again) saying that he doesn't want to be one of "those" men who are on their second or third wives. (he said that the last  time he got "sober") That he has been behaving like this since before puberty and it is a lifetime of behavior that he has to change. He has never had a chance to grow up. He has been referred for an individual therapist again (he has been to two) and claims he is looking forward to it. We'll see. He offered to come help me shovel this morning as we were expecting snow. Funny thing, I always shovelled as I actually enjoy it. I told him I was fine and could handle it myself. He seems to get annoyed sometimes that I  say no. I just can't have him alleviating his conscience on me these days. i am perfectly capable of doing things alone and for the past five years I have been convinced of the things I can't do rather than supported in the things I can (which are many).  When this dawned on me was a few weeks ago....my A came over and offered to clean out the gutters.  I said I could do it...now do I  want to do it? No.  But I can. He kept saying I couldn't do it.  I just got so damn annoyed.  I said very clearly.."please do not come over here and tell me what I can't do...if you want to then say that do not put in the context of me being disabled in some way".....My self-esteem has suffered terribly in my relationship. I am just getting it back.  Last night I told him that and also told him that I am not willing to sacrifice it anymore. He said he only wants to see me happy. He knows I deserve it and knows that although there were other women that he knows that he is no good to anybody right now b/c of how sick he is. I'm glad he's realizing it. But again we'll see. It's just sometimes sad to see someone in the bowels of hell, and know that htey put themselves there and only they can get out. I am off to show my apt..(again).....thanks for everything guys! You're the best!

Kim, Way to go girl! I'm proud of you. Sounds like your husband is trying to convince you that you need him more than you really do. It's a way of them still controlling us. Now I'm lucky my A has always encouraged my independence. He likes knowing that I can stand on my own 2 feet. But we are in a different circunstance than you. Just because we are independent doesn't mean that we still don't need each other. I need him to come over and walk me through installing the new printer as these things scare me. My confidence is lacking in that area. As for him, he's not a bad cook, but lacks the confidence to experiment. That's where I come in. I've always believed that unless 2 people are strong enough to stand on their own, they can't be strong enough to stand together, if that makes sense. I've heard and seen too many couples who rely only on each other and when something happens to one of them, the other one falls completely apart. Being strong and independent doesn't mean that you don't love and need each other. To me it means that you love yourself and each other enough to get through anything, together and apart. You respect each other's differences and similarities. While at times I get lonely because he's on the go so much (especially this year w/extra meetings to maintain his sobriety during the holidays) and my crazy schedule, we've talked to each other very little this past week. But he's concentrating on his recovery and I on mine. I'd rather have it this way, then him being active again. Am I making any sacrifices for his sobriety? He for my recovery? Not the way we look at it. It's about taking back our lives. This isn't sacrifice. This is love. You're doing great. Keep up the good work. Happy Holidays. Be good to yourself. Live strong, Karilynn

I thought I was reading my own post for a minute. My A calls up to 5-6 times a day. He's worried for my welfare. Now that he's back to AA he is often worried about me. But what he doesn't understand is that I've been taking care of our son, the bills, the yard, the laundry, the shopping, the cleaning, car mantienance for many years and I don't want his help now that I've moved out. I'm glad he's working his program but it's his program. I need to work my own, and I don't need his help there either! I have alpt of trouble even having a conversation with him. It just pisses me off that I'm expected to attentive now. This addiction is his life style too. He started drinking young and has had only 18 months of sobritiy in the 24 years I've know him. I refuse to let him control me from 20 miles away! Stick to your guns girl! Whitie

Yep..... and it has been my experience, until an A "truly" embraces his or her recovery, that at these early stages, they are really searching for "the absolute minimum effort that they can put out, so their life will return to (so called) normal, and we will leave them alone and let them use".  Good for you, in recognizing things for what they are....  He may well be "trying", but he is in absolute infancy, as far as his recovery goes...

 

Tom

((((KIM)))))

He just wants to know that he can still be an important part of your life.  Remember, he feels pretty crappy right now.   All this failure, all these things he needs to change, all this growing up to do...

Be kind to yourself too, don't burn yourself out doing the things you can just because you can.  I did that and ended up with Strep Throat 4 times in 3 months!  Had a nervous breakdown, and almost lost my job....yikes.

aron