My A called me at work today to say his father (also an A) is coming for xmas.  He will be staying with us for day or two (his day or two ends up 2 weeks).  He runs up our phone bill, eats all the food and doesn't chip in at all.  Last time he stayed with us when my A was very sick year and a half ago.  Said then would never allow him in my home again.  He stole my As truck while he was in the hospital (all the way to the ambulance my A had said to remove the keys from the truck but I didn't think I needed to).  Stayed out overnight and never called until the next day.  Screwed up the 4 wheel drive and never gave us money toward fixing it.  Spilled water on the spare bed (on purpose) and said he would need to sleep with me in my bed.  I ended up on the couch.  This guy drove me so nuts (like I didn't have enough to worry about with A in the hospital near death) I actually threatened to kill him and spilled my guts as to exactly how I felt about him and his unhealthy relationship with my A.  The more contact my A has with his Dad the more he drinks yet it seems the umbilical chord has never been severed and my A can't make a move without talking to his Dad about everything first.

My son is also suppose to be visiting for Xmas (he just turned 18) and there is a shortage of sleeping room.  Really upset my Xmas is going to be ruined.  Can't understand why his father would want to come to our house knowing how I feel about him but he does have a habit of going where he isn't wanted if it means free room and board and then staying until he is literally thrown out.

What can I do?  Do I just have to suffer through for sake of my A?  House is actually in my name, we aren't married and he is suppose to pay half the expenses (not that he has been  lately since he has been back to drinking 30 pack a day and with that his phone usage is over $200/month).  A only brings in $600/month and food stamps.

Try not to let him ruin your holiday.  get out of the house during the day with your son.  Go have fun together.  Visit a relative for a few days.  Say no and don't allow him to come.  Don't make him welcome by going out of your way to prepare meals, nice dishes, clean sheets...

Hiya :) I can see where you may think this is a dilemna...manipulation is a hard thing to see when you are in the throws of it. BUT..this is YOUR home, the way it sounds your A isn't making much of a conribution either, let alone bringing in someone like that to YOUR home. It sounds to me like inviting trouble and stress in. If it were me, I'd be recalling real fast that NO is a complete sentence. Especially if there isn't room for your son. I would kindly tell your A's Father that there is no room at the Inn, but there is a hotel near by (at his expense) if he still chooses to visit. His choice. Christy

Hiya Tebe, Was going to suggest you put son first, say sorry to A's dad, but, if he wanted, he could sleep in shed/ outhouse, whatever is free!!! However, have read previous post, think it better, this is an adult (allegedly) - you full up - first priority, in your own home, your own son, make it obvious, extend an invite for a meal, with, poss, list of guest houses, motels, should he not be able to go home(!). This is not a joke, tebe, he is manipulative, and, could be dangerous...... Your house, your family, your choices.... say what you mean etc etc..... In my experience, and I have fluffed it many times, you will earn respect for being open and honest. Good luck, dont throw away your Christmas for some drunk (not strictly alanon speak!) Also not strictly alanon speak, but, if he persitst, you can turn it around, sure he will understand, have made promises to son etc etc..... I live near Heathrow airport, over the years, have put up with cousin's cousins, inlaws etc. Discovered a bed and breakfast place near me, when they ask (if I want to say no), I have pat reply, would love to, not convenient, here is a number..... Lots of love, flora xxxx PS This may be just be me, but, if it helpful..... dont feel you have to say too much. My prob is that I am soooooo sorry, make excuses, not necessary, keep it simple! All the best, let us know how it works out.

With all due respect to your father-in-law, if he isn't going to be respectful of you, why should you have to put up with it? This is your house, you pay the bills, not him. Take your life back! Tell him he's welcome to stay in a hotel and visit on Christmas Day or even a few days if he's in a hotel. Tell him there is a lack of sleeping space and your son needs it. Sorry children come first. Don't let this person ruin your holidays. Set the same kind of boundaries you would if it were someone else. I don't know about you, but relative or not, no one is allowed in my house that is upsetting to me or my A. I have banned my family members because some of them are nothing but rude, nosey, and a pain in the neck. Frankly life has become a lot simpler since I've done that. Holiday times are stressful enough without all the extra "stuff" going on. Stand your ground, and do what you need to do to have a great one. It can be done. Good luck. Happy holidays to you. Live strong, Karilynn

((((((((((((Lebe))))))))))))),

Read up on everything to do with boundaries!  And then make the best decision for YOU ~~ not for anyone else and if that answer is No then you will not end up resentful.  No one should ever feel uncomfortable in their own home, nor should they have to leave it either.

Wish you well,

Maria123

Thanks all for your replies,

One thing not addressed really, however, is how to deal with my A.  He wants his father to visit (can't for the life of me understand why) they have a very unhealthy relationship.  He says it is his home too and he should be able to have his father visit.  I love my A but hate his father with a passion.  This is really causing alot of friction between us like A's drinking and drugging wasn't already.  I may be able to stand it for a day or two but then will probably have to literally throw the "old man" out in a fit of rage and my A is likely to head out the door with him.  I can try to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible but going by past experience that will probably not work.  The only time he left rather quickly on one of his visits was when house was infested with fleas and they were really biting him.  He is of eastern descent with oily skin I guess - they weren't bothering me.  ANY ONE GOT ANY FLEAS I CAN BORROW LOL.

 

Umm...Maybe I missed something, but the residence is in your name?

You have the responsibility to say who does what in your living space because you fiscally pick up the slack and the crap afterword. Thus, you don't have to put up with any of this! You can say no to all of it hon!

"Actually, if you want to involve your father in the holiday celebrations, it's not going to be at this place of residence. You don't live here any more, and you don't pay the bills."

"Actually, if you or your father want to be involved in any of the holiday celebrations, you will 1) have to be sober, and 2) have to be polite to me.  If either of these are not respected I will ________ [call the police, ask you to leave, et cetera]"

Own your power! You are not a door mat!

Hello lebe,

Stay strong and keep coming back. YOU got great replies here and I will be praying for you. ((((((((((lebe))))))) cdb