Hello Roomies,

Last night my "A" went out and used, he did not come home. He went to the neighbors and was there all night. For the past few weeks he and the kids and I have been taking the bus to drop them off at daycare and then I take the ferry with him. He goes to do his job search and I walk to work. Well he came home at like 5:30am and dropped the keys off and said to drive myself, and then he left again.

Yes I am hurt, disapointed, upset, angry, frustrated, all the feelings I am feeling who knows what they all are. I am allowed to feel them, and there is nothing wrong in feeling them. I am working on that. I really wish I had some literature at work, I really could use it. But I can come here, vent, read some ESH from you all, and let out a little bit of the emotions I am feeling. I am thanking my HP that I have a f2f tonight, I am so looking forward to going. If I had somewhere private to go, I would even call my sponsor.

Ok, my point is......

Today on the way to work I heard this song, as a true Toby Keith Fan, I really don't like the Dixie Chicks, but this song hit me hard today. I have heard it many many times before, and I heard it a different way today.

I always have thought of his drugs and alcohol as another lover, like another woman, and this song speaks of her husband leaving her for another woman. I just started crying when I heard it this morning, because it reminded me of how I feel when he chooses to go out and do what he does. Not all of it is how I feel, like when the song says without him life and worth living, I really don't think like that. Right now I am choosing to stay with him, but I know I can live without him in my life, and I have before. And the part when she talks about the kids, I know my "A" isn't doing this to hurt us. I know that I can not make him stay or choose to stay home instead of going out. Even if I could magically make pot appear, that wouldn't be enough to keep him home. That isn't what he always wants. But for the most part it really spoke to me on how it feels to love an active addict. So I wanted to share with you all.

 

I Can't Find A Reason To Let Go
Even Though You've Found A New Love
And She's What Your Dreams Are Made Of
I Can Find A Reason To Hang On
What Went Wrong Can Be Forgiven
Without You, It Ain't Worth Livin' Alone

Chorus:
Sometimes I Wake Up Crying At Night
And Sometimes I Scream Out Your Name
What Right Does She Have To Take You Away
When For So Long, You Were Mine

I Took Out All The Pictures Of Our Wedding Day
It Was A Time Of Love And Laughter
Happy Ever After
But Even Those Old Pictures Have Begun To Fade
Please Tell Me She's Not Real
And That You're Really Coming Home To Stay

Repeat Chorus

I Can Give You Two Good Reasons
To Show You Love's Not Blind
He's Two And She's Four, And You Know They Adore You
So How Can I Tell Them You've Changed Your Mind

Repeat Chorus:

I Remember When You Were Mine

 

 

Much Love,

Very true Dolphin.... my counselor used to tell me exactly that - when my A was drinking, it was VERY similar to them having an affair (only her affair was with "Mr. Smirnoff", and not an actual man). 

I think, as we grow in our own recovery, we learn that a "night alone without the A" tends to beat most nights "not alone with an active A".

It sucks, and I know how much it hurts.  I really DO hate this disease.

Tom

(((((Dolphin))))) I had to wipe my tears to type this. Your pain is real and you need to feel it. I used to escape to the copy room at work and repeat the Serenity Prayer to myself over and over until the tears would stop and I could go back to my desk. I even called in sick to stay home and meditate and pray at my worst. Sometimes it's better to be busy at work though. Take care of yourself and your children. Whitie