In some of my relationships it seems as I get closer, the more critical I've become. It's almost like I enter a comfort zone where I feel ok to criticize someone. I don't know why this happens short of that and it's something I need to find out some day, HP willing through working my program. Maybe I unconsicously seek out people like this. Maybe this is part of codependancy that I haven't learned yet. I do know that it's one my contributions to the disease, Not the cause, I know.... but my 4th C. In the meantime, I'll need to find the words to add this to my inventory a little more concisely than I do in this that just hit me..... I'm such a good friend. ____________________ Why is it that, for my friends. My compassion’s unrivaled, seems never to end. Yet once it become any more than platonic The pain I inflict is may border on chronic. For if that boundary is eventually crossed. It seems my good qualities are unseeingly lost. Listening to my friends, I often understand Yet for my spouse I’m hardly an empath. What drives me to this so place, so chaotic and distant? Where negativity abounds and seems so persistent. Virtues of consideration and even of care. Boil off me and steam into the cold air. How is it that I, learned this unhealthy model. Where my martyrdom is something I still sometimes coddle. Where your good deeds and graces are met with complaints. And my mouth and my actions have no bounding restraints. Maybe I should have learned to leave imperfections unturned. My patterns of past are emotional bomb blasts. I hope and I pray that through deep introspection. Through my own mediation and my honest reflection. That I’ll change the way that my mind behaves. To treat those closest like soothing soft waves. Why is it my spouse or some significant other. Takes all the blame, becomes my surrogate mother. Does my Higher Power wish for this to be given. So that I can heal, and for thyself be forgiven? The shift in me will rival plates tectonic. For my energy to shift to light waves harmonic. To a place of amends were I no longer pretend. Where I can treat those closest, I as I treat my close friends. with tears, Bob

-- Edited by bobump at 16:25, 2005-12-05

-- Edited by bobump at 16:48, 2005-12-05

(((bob))) thanks for sharing...I really relate to what you wrote. I've wondered the same thing about myself at times. Maybe there is comfort in thinking the ones closest to me won't leave me no matter what I do? Or I am so insecure in my relationships with my friends I think I need to treat them with kid gloves so they will stick around? I'm not sure what the underlying factor is, but I know in this program it has gotten easier for me to be "me" with more people, whether family or friends. Like you described the other day in your post about "slips", through the ups and downs I've gotten to "tweak" how I treat myself myself and others, and I'm happier with how I handle those issues today. Far from perfect, but better. This is an area for me where I have been able to use all sorts of program tools, and it requires a lot of attention, because hen I lash out at others, it's usually about something I'm lashing out at myself about, too. Easy does it...I need to remind myself of that all the time. Let it begin with ME. Progress not perfection. This too shall pass. It all comes together, here. Thanks for the great post...really got me thinking ;)

Well while cooking bacon and eggs for dinner.....yeah dinner....something hit me. Is it possible that when I make the plunge that I think I can 'fix' that person. Is it possible that I get frustrated with them when they aren't fixed? Am I frustrated w/ myself for not being able to fix them? Thinking back to my A....she had major issues going in. I thought I could make this work (sounds like one of my major issues, lol) I remember having trepidations before moving in, proposing, marrying, buying the house. Each time....I thought, I can make this work. Im rambling but I'm just trying to understand me. Bob

(((bump))) Awesome writing...food for thought. If you figure it out, please let me know :) Maybe it's due to not having to make relationships work with friends. It's much easier to walk away from friendship. Or the opposite.. Because we need those friendships for a safety and understanding.. Is it because we expect more from people that profess to or should love us because they are related? Do we resent them because they don't? Our friends don't have to love us, but they do so willingly..prhaps due to that we appreciate them and cut them some slack. Maybe all the above is wrong...I have a feeling there is much more then what I can decipher. So I just have to try to just "do it". Love, Christy

"Why is it my spouse or some significant other.
Takes all the blame, becomes my surrogate mother.
Does my Higher Power wish for this to be given.
So that I can heal, and for thyself be forgiven?"

Yes, I think we atract ppl to us, so that we can grow in areas in which we are weak or lacking within our personalities. So when it feel like your loved one is pushing your buttons (I think this is literally by HP's design, for our growth).  Naturally, when it comes to God, of course we NEED to forgive ourselves!! (as well as others) but if we don't forgive ourselves...  loving how can we expect God to forgive us, if we don't forgive ourselves? (Kind of like, how can we expect someone else to love us, if we don't love ourselves, first).

"The shift in me will rival plates tectonic.
For my energy to shift to light waves harmonic.
To a place of amends were I no longer pretend.
Where I can treat those closest, I as I treat my close friends."

This was just so pretty, I wanted to tell you I appreciate the visual...  maybe we will dissipate into light simultaneously.

Being the (lucky) child of a psychologist, raised in a microscope, I have learned some things about psychology in the process.

It is always when we have a fault or character defect within ourselves, that we are sensitive to it & notice it quickly in others.  If we especially dislike this trait about ourselves, we often HATE it in other's.  (Think of the pot calling the kettle black).

Also, we lash out at our loved ones (usually) because they are the closest to us, plain & simple.  Luckily, since they do love us, we usually get forgiven.

 

Funny this has become one of the questions I like to ask ppl, <after marrying (& divorcing) an addict>...  Are you nicer to strangers out in the world or are you kinder to your family?

My ex-husband was picture perfect in public but a horrible monster behind closed doors.  I am very sensitive of criticism & verbal abuse now because of it. 

Also, your "A" has hurt you, so it takes time to get over that pain, their is a grief process that goes on before you can start to heal (IMHO). 

I DID do something for myself today!! (TYVM)  I had a phone session with my therapist, so nice of her to accomodate me!  I told her I have done some forgiveness work w/ my step-father trying to let him go & for his 26 yr old g/f too. 

I told her my mom critisized me about "not doing it right or enough."  She said forgiveness is like building muscles...  "K, you have 37 years of this pain to let go of, you can't expect to just have it all be gone at once.  It will take lots of work over a long period, you have been so wounded, give yourself some credit & some breaks.  You have about 300 tons of forgiveness to perform, you don't just walk into a gym & pick up a 500 pound dumbell."

Smart woman, made sense to me! 

I criticize people as well, but realized i was doing it to keep them from getting any closer to me.  could this be happening with you?

Quite an awesome post!

  Something I used to think about quite frequently.... Am realizing today, as I journey into a new relationship, that what I didn't have in the relationships of my past, where I felt the need to criticize, was honest sharing between two people.  Being unable then to understand my true feelings and not being able to sufficientley express my desires, I turned to being critical and hurtful instead.  It has taken me quite a while to more fully understand this area in me. What I am finding out is that growth between two people only comes from being open, honest and respecting each other's boundaries, course having to make amends frequently also helps to mend having reactive comments as well.  One of the other aspects of this area that I've come to grips with over the past couple of years is that although I'd been apart from my ex for awhile I was still being critical in my head toward him when I felt my life was not in control.... it finally dawned on me that it truly did not have anything to do with him, was only my lack of faith and my head giving into fear.

Always something new to learn.... awesome journey that we are on.

Cilla

wow...

 

That poem was awesome bump...You have a gift of writing..continue to write...

Lauren~