Not feeling so well these days...   I am still having trouble finding or rather MAKING time for me.

My mother, is close to genius & still SO OCD, ADHD, ACOA & co-dependent on me to come & rescue her.   I am tired of having ~ no life. 

I think part of why I have always been so messy, was to just keep her out of my space...  to this day, since I have hardly been in my condo for going on 6 months now, and last month my good buddy (that worked with me & has now moved to Portugal) emptied my entire storage unti into my messy condo.

Now it just look ridiculous!  Worse than anyone could imagine.   So good, she won't come over here but for many reasons & I won't list them all, I have responsibilities & go to her house quite a lot.  In a few days, I am hoping that will end & I can spend some much needed time alone.

Growing up with so much responsibility, pressure to excell, et cetera...  I feel like I have PTSD from my childhood.  I cannot talk to her about my feelings, cuz she says, I blame her for everything, when in fact, I am only trying to get my feelings out.

I can't help what she did to me & then the lapses, the neglect.  I felt neglected when I was at her house last Friday...  she talked on the phone for over 4 hours (as I was leaving), I was there for 12 hours, got very little done.  I guess the confusion breeds confusion. 

I'm glad she can find ways to distract herself.  She yells at me & says I am not helping her enough.  When I say my chronic pain is killing me, she says, "Fix yourself!"  How does fussing impatiently at a wounded soul help?

She was even mad at me, for "taking it worse" than she was (my step-father's cheatting & alcoholism).  I had to find some pamphlet that says, "it is often harder on the children." 

I guess I feel beyond frustrated, couldn't even read the "oil change' by bobump, cuz I feel like the man, minus the beer & money...  I am constantly frustrated & feel like I'm losing it.

I know, I have to appreciate myself.  I want to just stop everything...  I need a mode of quiet healing.  Her guilt about, "I have to do this, so we can live" junk makes me feel hopeless.  Sometimes I really hate money ~ guess that attitude won't help it flow towards & through me either!

Can I just get an attitude enema?         

Kitty, I can relate. I have tried to talk to my mom so many times in the past, and it just does NOT work. I want her to know, I want her to hear, and I want her to understand, but she cannot do that for me. My mother also thinks I blame her, and her constant refrain is "I did the best I could." For the longest time I didn't think I blamed her. And I sure didn't believe her when she said she did the best she could. In working through this program I have come to realize I DID blame her, and I've even come to realize she probably did do the best she could. I may not have liked it, but it very well likely was her best. Those are too different things - my expectations, and what is and was. When I get the urge to talk to my mom about things close to me, I now usually bite my tongue and talk to a sponsor or program friend instead. I've been doing this for two years now, and boy has it helped. Talking with people who get it instead of people who are still in the disease has been a godsend. And it has given me a whole new perspective on my mother I did not have before. I can even share with her now, piecemeal, as long as I remind myself to check my motives and keep my expectations in check. Ugh, it's so hard. I expect so much of my mother because she is my MOTHER. That title says it all. But she is human and has been through much I cannot understand. Nor can she understand what I have been through. We might as well be speaking different languages. Thank god for alanon for teaching me how and what to communicate and with whom I should communicate it. Thanks so much for your post, kitty. I can really relate. Keep the focus on you and what you can do, and you will be okay :) I'll be thinking about you today.

((kitty)) You seem pulled so many different ways. Like ourselves, even though your mother is needy of you, she must learn to take her power back too while allowing you to do the same.. Codependency is such a double edged sword . You feel the responsibility of their demands, yet know you shouldn't report for duty upon command. You MUST take you in to consideration first. If you don't want to go to your Mom's on a particular day, then don't. It's much simpler then what I thought. I recently said NO to my adult daughter who is used to me attempting to fix her marriage probs for her. I'm trying to fix me here!! I just can't fix anyone else. I informed her I am AWOL. She is going to have to make some decisions on her own. I don't want to be in the middle or part of. I'm not helping her in doing so. She needs to find her own way as does your Mom. As far as getting the validation you want from your Mom, there's a saying.."you can't get what you need from someone that is emotionlly bankrupt". Trying seems to only lead to frustration and anger. Take care Christy

Pixel, geez, I have heard this a million times & as a very young kid, "I did the best I could." But I did believe it & understood, as she told me 'discipline' comes from the Greek & it means 'to educate' & so she lectured me to death as a kid.

She & her 2 sisters were beaten by my grandmother, who was 5'8" & 280 pounds.  She beat them in order of age...  she would go out all night, come home destroy the house, drag them out of their beds by their hair, pulling them down the halls & demand that they get up at 2am to clean her mess, go back out & come home later. 

They went to Catholic school.  My g/ma would tell her girls things like, "I can't wait to get you home so I can beat you" and "You think I would hit you anywhere that anyone would see?  So if anyone KNOWS I will know, you told them!"

Very traumatizing & scary shit, yes I know my mother did better than hers, even though she forgave her mom for doing the best she could.  My g/ma was one of 14 kids, her natural father had molested & raped some of the older girls (when she was 13).  One day, he gave her a drink & she poured it out onto the dirt...  the chickens quickly came up & ate it & died immediately.  She ran away from home at 14.

My mother would do her little sister's homework, so she wouldn't get beaten, my Aunt doesn't have half of the brains my mom does as all of them had different Father's. I heard the horror stories (from both of them) of my g/ma taking baby sister's hand & beating it into the table while receiting times tables...  (like that would even work?).

My mom also sd, when I was in 2nd grade (7 yrs old) "If you can understand than you must be understanding."  I know my mother loves me, even though I still have suffered some psychological abuse, when I wasn't "under her microscope" there would be periods of general neglect & emotional neglect & lack of support.

 

 "I expect so much of my mother because she is my MOTHER"  that is the opposite of what I am suffering from...  my mother being an over-achiever woman that cannot relax, gets mad at me for telling her to "rest."  When I was a teenager, I would tell her "I want to be a human being, not a human doing!"

She has HUGE expectations of me.  I do resent her for pushing so hard & being less than empathetic to me, but again, my therapist says, it's natural to feel resentful for being emotionally neglected - give myself a break, rest, take care of myself.

Just so everyone does know... after my post this morning, I picked up the 12 steps for acoa's & kept seeing how more you rely on God, the less you will feel this & that.  So I prayed for God to help me & guide me in taking care of myself, since I don't seem to know how.

thanks for all your support, I would be lost without this place!

love, -K

Kitty I think both you and your Mum have amazing strength after just reading your last post on this.  You both need a bit of time out from each other to have your own personal space.  Keep your chin up.  Luv Leo xx