Hi, everyone.

I really need some help.  And a big pity party, sorry.

Back in August I posted about my husband's abuse of Robitussin (after being clean and sober, at least I "think" so, for several years). 

Since then my life has been in a horrible downward spiral. 

I'd asked him to leave because I can't be with him if he is using (I am a recovering heroin addict myself.  He and I used together, and being with him NOT clean cannot be an option for me).  He left rather happily, to my surprize and hurt.  Within a week he had a new girlfriend (internet) and was behaving like his only function in life was to destroy me. 

He has decimated the business we've had together that has supported our family comfortably for over 12 years.  He has destroyed the trust of the women who worked there for us and he failed to pay them a LOT of money.  At the end of this month it is closed and I have no idea how I will make a living.  He has run up our credit card debt to over $100,000 in ONE YEAR.  He has harassed me and stalked me to the point where I've obtained a restraining order.  He's messed with our 18 year old daughter beyond description.  I've filed for divorce, but all he does is try to obstruct any progress in that direction - even though he claims to be "in love" and about to buy a home with his new (still married, to an alcoholic!) girlfriend.  He's used credit cards in MY name to buy many expensive things for himself, pay for travel for himself and his girlfriend, plane tickets for her kids, jewelry, and much more.  I receive the bills and I am the only one working or trying to keep up with responsibilities.

I'm destroying MYSELF by trying to keep up financially, trying to protect my daughter, grieving about him, HIS life, and our life,  and all. Besides the business, we have a farm.  None of it was cut out to be the work of one failing woman.

On Thanksgiving I was truly suicidal.  Thanksgiving was such a wonderful time for me (for "us," I think, anyway - now I'm doubting everything that seemed good about our life together.)  I would make a beautiful dinner, the house was so wonderful, I would look around and be so truly THANKFUL.  I thoughtlessly agreed to prepare some food that I've been making for years of Thanksgivings to bring to friends' - while I was cooking it I almost passed out from sadness, and when my friend came to get me I had to just give her the food and stay home.

By now my husband is severely addicted to Oxycodone (an opiate pain med), he drinks and smokes pot.  This is what he will admit to - which means that there is more to it than that.  He is still obtaining new credit cards in the name of our business and using them, especially the courtesey checks.

I know what I am supposed to do in this program and I am usually successful in avoiding engaging with him.  What I am NOT doing is keeping myself emotionally safe from him.  How can I when he will call me 25 times a day for 4 days (and I DO NOT pick up the phone), and then not call for 2, and call me to tell me he is outside of our gate?  Or he'll call our daughter on her cell phone to tell her he is about to kill himself.  It's like being battered, though he has not done anything physical for years (not since the past using days).

I have had a lot of loss in less than 2 years - my dad died, my mom is leaving us sadly due to Alzheimers, my daughter moved out, blah blah blah.  I have a bad health problem.  Now, no more husband, no more business, my wonderful home and animals have to go.  Some more goes every day.

I am almost 50 and I do not have the heart or the strength to give a s--- about "starting a new life" for myself.  I already created a wonderful life and honestly, I feel like I might just as well be done with it.

 

 

(((((((((PhoebeMooniePie)))))))))),

I am so sorry to hear about all of the devastating losses that you are experiencing right now. I can not imagine the pain that you must be in as the satisfying life you shared with your husband has ended and you are faced with untangling his hurtful, destructive actions.

PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Let those who love you and are around you know that you have been feeling suicidal and get the professional support you need from a therapist--they can do wonders! Do you have a sponsor? Are you going to meetings?

Also, can you intervene legally in his spending sprees? Protect youself as much as you can from his financial messes. As others have posted here in there ESH, it may help to see him with a big SICK sign on his forehead. Although he's attempting to show you that he's having a great time with the new girl and wineing and dining, you know that with addictions, what appears is not what really is true. What is true is that he is sick and completely out of control and hurting the ones who love him tremendously.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you take very good care of yourself!!! You are worth your own life!!!

Bluecloud

Hi...

Don't give up!  Find something to hang on to.  This happened to me also.  I totally get how you feel.  Thank goodness you have come here and reached out.  Believe even in total chaos that your HP will be there for you.  Focus on what you can control.  Take care of yourself and work your program one day at a time.  One hour or one minute if need be.  You are worth it! 

 

Making a life for ourselves, regardless of what others are doing or not doing must be a top priority.

 

The real truth is that we are far more valuable and loveable than other people have led us to believe.

 

quotes from Hope for today.

I feel your pain as I have been suicidal before, I have tried twice actually.

Who knows, I'm not sure even what to say to you...  I married an addict & got away with my life.  He kept everything I ever owned in 32 years, I left a 16 year career, friends, everything.  He kept ALL of my things, as I ran away from him on vacation in 2000.  The worst part even after grieving for my own mistakes & the life I thought I was going to have...  it would have been wonderful to get my 8MM baby films back & jewelry given to me from Aunts & family.

He threatened to kill me many times after I left & for the last 2 yrs of our 4 yr marriage together, I was suicidal daily.  He would scream all night long at me for everything in the world (LITERALLY) & I would just grow deeper into my soul which was diminishing more each day.  I would stare out the window, while he would be blaming me for his lack of creativity & the death penalty & think, 'I wonder what it would feel like to jump through the windows & land on the vehicles 3 stories down."

I would tell him he was emotionally terrorizing me & he would laugh.  I starved & worked over 50+ hour weeks so I didn't have to hear him yelling at me.  He encouraged me to kill myself.

So out of the blue on vacation I ran away...  home to momma, a failure, emaciated, PTSD (although undiagnosed) I would wake up from nightmares,  thinking he was standing over me.

I have spent the last 6 years depressed.  I got married to get away from my parents.  I tried to OD this passed March.  Now God has spared me twice, so no third try!

My parents, well my mother & step-father made 26 years in Nov.  In July he got caught cheatting by his g/f's husband (he saw her IM's to my step-father, an alcoholic).

He admitted to cheatting for over 15 years, making no apologies.  I worshipped the ground this man walked on.  My mother & I sacrificed everything for him & he was out (admittedly) drinking 7-9 hours everday, gambling, whore-mongering, you name it. 

He has no intentions of changing.  He is locked out of the house, living in the effeciency apt (the pool house).  But some of his colleages since then, have relayed to my mom that he says, he has "no intention of stopping partying or flying" (which I guess is a new term for having girls or being a playboy).

I thank God, I have self-control 'cause for 6 weeks all I wanted to do was kill him!  But it did bring me back to this wonderful program full of inspiring ppl with great wisdom & compassionate understanding.

I have never prayed so much in my life, I am grateful for this program & the support, I'll pray for you & hope things seem a little brighter soon.

Welcome, you're in the right place, we have a chat room that is open 24/7 & mtgs twice a day there. 

-your friend in recovery, -Kitty of Light

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you. im so sorry for what your going through. please continue to come here for support and get some outside help as well. go to a professional. i really cant give you any advice but tell you that you are here for a reason, you may not know why right now but one day you will. if you want to escape the hell your describing could you not change your situation by moving far away and cutting off all ties with this business. end that life in a healthy way by starting a new one not by ending your life literally. you have things to live for and if you dont take the chance to live you'll never find out what they are. i too have attempted suicide a few times but never happened. in truth i was reaching out for help and wanting someone to really want me and love me. in the end i realized god loves me and i love me thats all that matters. if im not happy the way things are going i need to take the risk and change things instead of taking the risk to harm myself and not wake up. it would kill my family and friends if i did something like that and that gave me reason to be. to know things would get better someday. and they are better. i know more hard  times will come but with hp i can get through it. i wont let someone else decide my happiness and how i should live or not live. and its definatly not my desicion when i should leave this earth, my job is not finished here. whatever that job may be. i really  hope i can talk to you in chat sometime. please take care of yourself and pray to your hp for strength through all of this. stop letting your a's behaviour control all that you are and the purpose of your life. you really do matter believe it or not.

{{{{phoebe}}}} I don't know what to say, you have so much on your plate. I'd like to suggest your look to your HP and to find friends, support and love in alanon as well as another other friends you have as well as professional assistance. Feeling suicidal is serious and you should deal with it. You didn't let your addiction take your life away. You fought back. I hope you can find it in you to not let your A's addiction take your life away, as hard as it is. You have worth ! Bob

THANK YOU.

I am pretty sure I really won't kill myself.  As I posted the first time I came here, I had quite a "low bottom" with drug addiction myself and was able (with the help of AA and NA) to get clean and stay clean for almost 18 years now.  I know I chose to live at that point -but, I had a 6 month old baby to care for. Maybe it is "co-dependant" of me, but having that person need me made a huge difference in my ability to re create my life.  Also, I was young.  I do have a lot of very specific suicidal ideation.

I have a therapist and I try to go to meetings, but living on an island as I do, and with all the insanity, court dates, etc. going on - sometimes having an appointment to make is just the last straw for me. 

Every day I try to move towards the solution.  My intention IS to leave the area, soon.  When I feel okay, I can see the possibilities.  It takes less and less every day, though, for me to lose hope. I am financially failing fast and I have WAY too much stuff, between the business and farm, to even deal with shutting it down. I'm trying to construct something to look forward to instead of just looking at all I'm losing. So far, that has not worked. I am just exhausted. 

If I told you everything that has happened, and every thing that continues to happen, it would sound like a ridiculous soap opera.  A lot of it is just "life" stuff that is not good - but coming now with incredibly bad timing; for example, 2 weeks ago my daughter's horse got critically ill.  We live on an island and decided to take him on the ferry to an equine hospital.  In the trailer, on the way to the boat, he went down.  He almost had to be euthanized right there in the trailer, in the ferry line.  The pain of his struggling - our impotence - it was terrifying and sickening.  I had no resources to deal at all!  (It had a good ending - our vet was finally reached, he came, we tranquilized the horse and hauled him to a friend's, dismantled the trailer, and dragged the horse out with friend's tractor!  He looked dead, but in 5 minutes he sat up and ate grass, and in 5 more he stood.  We still haven't had the nerve to trailer him to the hospital for his original problem, though).  Anyway, that kind of thing.  I think I increased my post traumatic stress disorder quotient by a good margin just from that experience.

I feel like I am in a downward spiral, am literally getting sucked into a vortex like a drain, and all the bad energy is just producing more and more badness. 

Hi and Welcome,

I agree with what Bob said........if you can beat a heroin addiction than you can get through this also!!  I don't know if you used a 12 step program for help with your own addiction but if so than I'm sure you're familiar with all the tools as well as the slogans.  I know they can seem like cheap little cliches but if we truley put them to use they really can help. Think about *This too shall pass*  I know what you're feeling right now seems unbearable, but you will NOT feel this way forever.  It will pass.  Also think about *First things first*  I would think the first thing you need to take care of is your own personal well being.  Starting with the suicidal thoughts.  Perhaps start with seeing a doctor who may be able to prescribe something just to get you through this very difficult time.

As for the credit card debts he's run up in your name......have you tried contacting the companies and telling them these were unauthorized purchases?  Married or not if the cards are in your name only then I would think something could be done.  I would cancel the cards and anything else that is in both your names at this point to prevent anymore of this type activity from him.

As for the harrassing phone calls.........have you considered getting your number changed to a nonpublished one?  Since when he does call it's not to say anything pleasant, why subject yourself to his mental and emotional abuse?

Regarding his relationship with this woman........I can only imagine the personal pain this has caused you.  Based on what you shared about his state of mind as well as her alcoholic marriage, I would bet my bottom dollar this relationship won't last.  It's way too dysfunctional from the start.  Whatever, she'll find out soon enough what's ahead for her if she stays with him.

At this point you need to focus on yourself.  Start slow, baby steps.  Progress not perfection.  If able, try to go to a face to face Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting.  You will gain such support from the members.  You'll feel less alone.  You'll meet people and make contacts and just maybe even find someone who could help you with the farm.  God will make a way for you if you put your trust in Him and ASK.  Pray, pray and then allow Gods Will to happen in your life.  He knows better than you what you need.

My final thought is when faced with all the things you have lost and are facing losing right now.........ask yourself for each situation *How important is it?*  Of course some things are extremely important, but others really aren't and just seem to add to the mountain of despair you feel you're facing right now.  We can't move mountains by ourselves, but God can and does.

Please keep posting and sharing with us.  You are not alone.  We understand how you feel and what you're going through.  Let us help by sharing our experience, strength and hope with you.  Feel free to private message or email me anytime at kathysctc@yahoo.com

 

Oh Phoebe, this is so far past, "work your program." What you are experiencing requires legal help. Please, please do what you must legally to get this man stopped. To my way of thinking, he has a right to ruin his own life, but not yours. I cannot imagine being in the situation you are in, and all I can do is offer you my prayers and positive energy. You can bet they're coming your way. With sincere caring, Diva