I am relatively new to this site. I've been tooling around the message boards and in the chat room the last several days. My husband is an alcoholic. I've never had that much of a problem dealing with it as I've been associated with one alcoholic or another my entire life. (My dad and my first husband) I just ignore him when he's drunk and enjoy the times he isn't. We’ve been together for 13 years.
Well the last three months or so the times he isn’t have gotten fewer and far between. He’s also added new addictions. We live in New Orleans, so you can imagine the added stress in both our lives right now. He stays out at the bar until all hours of the night claiming he’s making contacts for workers and such. He doesn’t get up and go to work in the mornings. He types up a few things on the computer and tells me he worked all day on it. It’s all lies. I started questioning him about everything, calling him names, checking the call logs on his cell phone, and digging through his truck looking for “evidence”. I even punched him a few times after one impossibly unbelievable lie. I’ve turned into a raging lunatic. I didn’t like what I was becoming. Thursday night I found out he was using cocaine. I told him to get out. He left with the clothes on his back and a key to his truck. I took the keys to our houses away from him. I wouldn’t listen to anything he had to say. Every time he opened his mouth, I just said shut the f*** up!
I hadn’t heard from him since then, but then he called today to ask if he could come pick up some tools and clothes. He tried to tell me about some job he’s starting tomorrow and I just cut him off and told him to come get the stuff he needed. He looks so pathetic. I wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him how sorry I was, but then I thought maybe it’s just an act so I would do just that. He’s been lying so much I don’t know if I can believe anything he says or does.
As he was leaving, he asked if we could get together one day this week “to talk”. (There are 10 people living here so talking with any kind of privacy has been impossible.) I told him any day but Tuesday was fine with me. (I finally found an alanon group!) I’m worried about meeting with him. I know he’s going to tell me he’s sorry and he’ll change (because that’s his response to every thing I’ve told him these last few months) and he wants to come back. I haven’t been here long enough to know how to handle it. These last three days have been so peaceful. I feel guilty for not missing him too much. I don’t want our marriage to end, but I don’t want to be a lunatic either.
Blah…it’s taken me over an hour to put this together. I feel like I’m losing my mind. So what do I tell him?
seashell said
Dec 4, 2005
Marie,
Only you will know what is best for you. My heartfelt prayers go out to you and having to live thru the stress of Katrina and trying to get back to 'normal' without the added problems of addictions.
When people cannot deal with reality, some will run to the 'escape' in their life. Everyone deals differently. 'C' is one BIG lie. If you want honesty, that will not be for awhile, until he is dry and clean for at least a few months if not years.
AlAnon is about keeping the focus on U! What do U want, What goals do U need to achieve. Tolerating him for 13 years says alot for you. Most people cannot be that patient. When you were raised with that illness, sometimes a person doesn't know any different, so it seems normal to them.
You took a stand and need to follow thru on it. Otherwise, nothing you ever threaten or promise will be believed. You tossed him out as you apparently reached your tolerance level.
One thing, when it pushed to to punching him, it is time to take space. You don't have to get divorced, just take a seperation time to see what you really want and if he is serious about changing. Talk is cheap. You don't want to do time in jail for assault. Think about yourself. Put you number 1. The fact you haven't missed him, well, that tells me you are doing just fine without him. If he wants to be part of your life, he is going to have to do some work on himself. "C" is not an easy drug to get off of. From anyone I have known, they have regretted even trying it as it is evil. He needs to make a committment to get help and change and it won't be easy. That is his problem. You cannot change him. Keep the focus on you and you will be fine. Marriage is the least of your concerns, concern yourself with your mental health and being happy.
I hope my hugs help and tlk 2 u ltr.
Powerless said
Dec 4, 2005
Marie,
I can sosympathize with you. What you are doing takes courage and strength and I admire you for sticking to your boundaries. Cocaine is a very difficult drug to deal with. My husband started with cocaine, moved on to crack and then crystal meth. His drug of choice is cocaine and it's the one he always falls abck on. One thing i have learned is that without a program, no matter how long he goes without using (he has gone a year and a half) he will always return to it. After not using for a period of time he thinks he can fool around with it and "keep it under control". We both know that this is a futile attempt.
I truly believe him when he says he is sorry and it will never happen again. i believe him when he says he is suicidal and would rather kill himself than continuing to hurt me or the children. I believe everything he says and know that he means it at the time. However, when that craving hits, all of the promises go out the window. i love him, but hate his addiction and sometimes it is hard to distinguish between the two. THe things is, I can't love him and be with him unless I want to put up with the addiction as well.
It is your choice whether you continue on the way you are or take him back. It sounds as if you have finally found peace though. Cocaine will truly turn them into someone you will not recognize.
Good luck with whatever you decide. We are here for you.
twopoodles said
Dec 4, 2005
Hi Marie,
I just want you to know that you are not alone. I recently kicked my partner out and have been struggling with that. We have seen one another a few times, this last time I ended up trying to beat the heck out of him, something I would never imagine doing, but he was "I love you/I hate you" so much that I was going crazy. I can't tell you what to do, but I know the guilty feeling of freedom when he's out of the house and I don't have to "take care" of him. I do feel like a huge burden has been lifted. Isn't it that we shouldn't have to feel like its a burden to have a loved one in our life, ah but such is the case with chronic illness. I sometimes forget that's what this is. Good luck, and keep coming here as much as you need.
KathyS said
Dec 4, 2005
Hi and Welcome,
What do you WANT to tell him is the question, and noone can answer that for you but yourself. You say you're more peaceful since he's not there. Ok......are you debating taking him back just because you feel sorry for him, or because he seems in a pathetic state right now, or are you debating taking him back because you miss him to death, are willing to overlook his addiction and just enjoy the good times as you were able to do in the past and basically you feel you just can't be happy without him?
These are all questions you need to ask yourself and be brutally honest about. I have to say I admire the fact that you took such a strong stance against his drug use. If I had this to do all over again, and I was in the position you are right now? I would not allow him back until he was working a program and had 6 months continuous sobriety.....from everything. That's not what I'm telling you to do, it's just what I would do if I had it to do over again.
Whatever you decide is ok, just make sure you're making your decision based on what YOU want and need, and not just on him and how he's feeling/doing etc.
Glad you're here and hope you keep sharing.
lin0606 said
Dec 4, 2005
My husband is a crack addict too - clean and sober now for nearly three years, so there is hope!
Can't tell you what you should do, only you know what is best for you. I can tell you though, that actions speak louder than words. So, instead of telling him "You can come back if you promise to ..... " go to meetings, enter rehab, whatever it is that is most important to you - instead you might want to say "You can come back when you have been DOING what ever it is", for however long, or whatever changes happen, that you feel are needed.
Less chance of him saying anyting just to get back home, which has to be expected from an A
marie_h said
Dec 5, 2005
Thank you all for replying to my post.
Seashell, (If he wants to be part of your life, he is going to have to do some work on himself. ) I'm going to use that when I talk to him. And yes, your hugs and prayers do help. Thank you. Hugs back at ya!
Powerless, (I believe everything he says and know that he means it at the time.) Same here. I know he really loves me and my children. It hurts me that his addiction is more powerful than his love for us. I am glad you are here.
Twopoodles, (Isn't it that we shouldn't have to feel like its a burden to have a loved one in our life, ah but such is the case with chronic illness. I sometimes forget that's what this is.) I needed to be reminded of that. Thank you! I need to change my way of looking at his addiction. He is sick. I will keep coming back. This place has saved my sanity!
KathyS, everything you said spoke to me. Thank you for giving me so much to think over. I'm glad you're here, too!
Lin0606 ("You can come back when you have been DOING what ever it is") Thank you! That's exactly how I want to approach this. I've been asking him to join AA and he always says he doesn't have time to go to meetings, etc. If he really wants to come back he'll find the time to start his recovery.
captcodee said
Dec 5, 2005
Every day we are given a gift, a clean slate.
In this day I can choose what I can choose.
I can also leave room for the things I can not choose.
Also, if I screw up today, there is always tomorrow, which is only 24 hours away.
Aron
seashell said
Dec 7, 2005
Marie;
How are things going for you? I hope you have taken some time for yourself to know what boundaries you want to set and what your expectations are in order to remain in the relationship right now.
I am relatively new to this site. I've been tooling around the message boards and in the chat room the last several days. My husband is an alcoholic. I've never had that much of a problem dealing with it as I've been associated with one alcoholic or another my entire life. (My dad and my first husband) I just ignore him when he's drunk and enjoy the times he isn't. We’ve been together for 13 years.
Well the last three months or so the times he isn’t have gotten fewer and far between. He’s also added new addictions. We live in New Orleans, so you can imagine the added stress in both our lives right now. He stays out at the bar until all hours of the night claiming he’s making contacts for workers and such. He doesn’t get up and go to work in the mornings. He types up a few things on the computer and tells me he worked all day on it. It’s all lies. I started questioning him about everything, calling him names, checking the call logs on his cell phone, and digging through his truck looking for “evidence”. I even punched him a few times after one impossibly unbelievable lie. I’ve turned into a raging lunatic. I didn’t like what I was becoming. Thursday night I found out he was using cocaine. I told him to get out. He left with the clothes on his back and a key to his truck. I took the keys to our houses away from him. I wouldn’t listen to anything he had to say. Every time he opened his mouth, I just said shut the f*** up!
I hadn’t heard from him since then, but then he called today to ask if he could come pick up some tools and clothes. He tried to tell me about some job he’s starting tomorrow and I just cut him off and told him to come get the stuff he needed. He looks so pathetic. I wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him how sorry I was, but then I thought maybe it’s just an act so I would do just that. He’s been lying so much I don’t know if I can believe anything he says or does.
As he was leaving, he asked if we could get together one day this week “to talk”. (There are 10 people living here so talking with any kind of privacy has been impossible.) I told him any day but Tuesday was fine with me. (I finally found an alanon group!) I’m worried about meeting with him. I know he’s going to tell me he’s sorry and he’ll change (because that’s his response to every thing I’ve told him these last few months) and he wants to come back. I haven’t been here long enough to know how to handle it. These last three days have been so peaceful. I feel guilty for not missing him too much. I don’t want our marriage to end, but I don’t want to be a lunatic either.
Blah…it’s taken me over an hour to put this together. I feel like I’m losing my mind. So what do I tell him?
Marie,
Only you will know what is best for you. My heartfelt prayers go out to you and having to live thru the stress of Katrina and trying to get back to 'normal' without the added problems of addictions.
When people cannot deal with reality, some will run to the 'escape' in their life. Everyone deals differently. 'C' is one BIG lie. If you want honesty, that will not be for awhile, until he is dry and clean for at least a few months if not years.
AlAnon is about keeping the focus on U! What do U want, What goals do U need to achieve. Tolerating him for 13 years says alot for you. Most people cannot be that patient. When you were raised with that illness, sometimes a person doesn't know any different, so it seems normal to them.
You took a stand and need to follow thru on it. Otherwise, nothing you ever threaten or promise will be believed. You tossed him out as you apparently reached your tolerance level.
One thing, when it pushed to to punching him, it is time to take space. You don't have to get divorced, just take a seperation time to see what you really want and if he is serious about changing. Talk is cheap. You don't want to do time in jail for assault. Think about yourself. Put you number 1. The fact you haven't missed him, well, that tells me you are doing just fine without him. If he wants to be part of your life, he is going to have to do some work on himself. "C" is not an easy drug to get off of. From anyone I have known, they have regretted even trying it as it is evil. He needs to make a committment to get help and change and it won't be easy. That is his problem. You cannot change him. Keep the focus on you and you will be fine. Marriage is the least of your concerns, concern yourself with your mental health and being happy.
I hope my hugs help and tlk 2 u ltr.
Marie,
I can sosympathize with you. What you are doing takes courage and strength and I admire you for sticking to your boundaries. Cocaine is a very difficult drug to deal with. My husband started with cocaine, moved on to crack and then crystal meth. His drug of choice is cocaine and it's the one he always falls abck on. One thing i have learned is that without a program, no matter how long he goes without using (he has gone a year and a half) he will always return to it. After not using for a period of time he thinks he can fool around with it and "keep it under control". We both know that this is a futile attempt.
I truly believe him when he says he is sorry and it will never happen again. i believe him when he says he is suicidal and would rather kill himself than continuing to hurt me or the children. I believe everything he says and know that he means it at the time. However, when that craving hits, all of the promises go out the window. i love him, but hate his addiction and sometimes it is hard to distinguish between the two. THe things is, I can't love him and be with him unless I want to put up with the addiction as well.
It is your choice whether you continue on the way you are or take him back. It sounds as if you have finally found peace though. Cocaine will truly turn them into someone you will not recognize.
Good luck with whatever you decide. We are here for you.
Hi Marie,
I just want you to know that you are not alone. I recently kicked my partner out and have been struggling with that. We have seen one another a few times, this last time I ended up trying to beat the heck out of him, something I would never imagine doing, but he was "I love you/I hate you" so much that I was going crazy. I can't tell you what to do, but I know the guilty feeling of freedom when he's out of the house and I don't have to "take care" of him. I do feel like a huge burden has been lifted. Isn't it that we shouldn't have to feel like its a burden to have a loved one in our life, ah but such is the case with chronic illness. I sometimes forget that's what this is. Good luck, and keep coming here as much as you need.
Hi and Welcome,
What do you WANT to tell him is the question, and noone can answer that for you but yourself. You say you're more peaceful since he's not there. Ok......are you debating taking him back just because you feel sorry for him, or because he seems in a pathetic state right now, or are you debating taking him back because you miss him to death, are willing to overlook his addiction and just enjoy the good times as you were able to do in the past and basically you feel you just can't be happy without him?
These are all questions you need to ask yourself and be brutally honest about. I have to say I admire the fact that you took such a strong stance against his drug use. If I had this to do all over again, and I was in the position you are right now? I would not allow him back until he was working a program and had 6 months continuous sobriety.....from everything. That's not what I'm telling you to do, it's just what I would do if I had it to do over again.
Whatever you decide is ok, just make sure you're making your decision based on what YOU want and need, and not just on him and how he's feeling/doing etc.
Glad you're here and hope you keep sharing.
Thank you all for replying to my post.
Seashell, (If he wants to be part of your life, he is going to have to do some work on himself. ) I'm going to use that when I talk to him. And yes, your hugs and prayers do help. Thank you. Hugs back at ya!
Powerless, (I believe everything he says and know that he means it at the time.) Same here. I know he really loves me and my children. It hurts me that his addiction is more powerful than his love for us. I am glad you are here.
Twopoodles, (Isn't it that we shouldn't have to feel like its a burden to have a loved one in our life, ah but such is the case with chronic illness. I sometimes forget that's what this is.) I needed to be reminded of that. Thank you! I need to change my way of looking at his addiction. He is sick. I will keep coming back. This place has saved my sanity!
KathyS, everything you said spoke to me. Thank you for giving me so much to think over. I'm glad you're here, too!
Lin0606 ("You can come back when you have been DOING what ever it is") Thank you! That's exactly how I want to approach this. I've been asking him to join AA and he always says he doesn't have time to go to meetings, etc. If he really wants to come back he'll find the time to start his recovery.
Marie;
How are things going for you? I hope you have taken some time for yourself to know what boundaries you want to set and what your expectations are in order to remain in the relationship right now.
You are in my prayers.
Hugs
seashell