Well, I did it. I've wanted to for a long time but was too afraid of what might really happen. I told my A either you clean up or I'm leaving.

I didn't mean it as a threat and I didn't mean to force him to do anything. The thing is, I just can't hang on anymore. If he isn't willing to get help, then he isn't, but at least I know where it stands. I get the lip service of how he wants to get sober, all the time but there is no action behind it. I just didn't know if he really means it or he was just saying that to appease me. So I think if he wants to get sober than he will and I'm constantly disappointed.

I'm alone in this relationship most of the time now. I can't count on him except for that I don't know from day to day what I'm going to get. My thinking is, if I have to be alone, than I might as well really be alone, at least I know what I'm coming home to and I can get off this constant emotional rollercoaster.

This wasn't easy to come to. I do love him very much and I really do not want to go. I want him back, I was us back and I want our family back. But I just can't let my life go by as I watch him drink his away. That's no life.

The thing is...he went to an AA meeting tonight. Wow. What a relief for me. Except that he is miserable. It's horrible when he's drunk, I hate it and he says he hates it. But when he's sober he acts like he hates life.

I feel like I can't win. I don't get him when he's drunk and I don't get him sober either. Is he gone? Is he coming back? My mind is swimming and I'm exhausted. What the hell is happening?

Help. Jersey

 

Jersey;

Keep the focus on you.  What do you want in life?  How can you get that?  You know until he is serious about getting clean and staying clean, you have to look out for you.  It is a disease, if you look at it in those terms, how would you act.. you would go on with your life and if he wants to be a part of it, then he will need to get it together.  I was in relationships like yours and I must say I have no clue what kept me in that rollercoaster of *#ll.  It messed with my mind, I couldn't relax, I was always on edge and walking on eggshells, and so confused. He can't just 'go' to meetings, he has to want to change and live the program, including he may have to make new friends.  You nor I can Make him, we cannot control anyone but ourselves.  I commend you on standing strong and standing your ground.  Now, you have to follow thru with it, or you are setting yourself up for failure.  I know that you can make it.  Read the books and work the program.  Call a sponsor - do u have one?  I tell you, they were my lifesavers, just someone to talk to.  Someone to let me know it was not me, I did not cause it and I can't control it.  It is good he took the first step to go to a meeting, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.  Pray for him and focus on you.  That was the biggest thing I had to learn was to focus on me.  Take a bubble bath, watch a movie, cook your favorite food, go visit friends, go window shopping if you like to shop, read a book.  Do things that you like to do.  Buy yourself a nice outfit.  the more you focus on you, the less his behaviors will affect you.  (ps. my hubby is from jersey)

One thing my sponsor did when I was constantly more or less obsessing on things, was to tell me to physically write the problem down on a piece of paper and put it in a box.  Then, give it to god.  If I would get on that thought and worry, I had to take it out and not put it back until I was really ready to give it to god.  It helped me alot.

Maybe there are issues in his past that make him angry, things he has never dealt with.  Who knows why he is angry, but that would be something he needs to work thru in AA and hopefully get better.  Then that will not keep interferring with your relationship.  

Keep repeating the serenity prayer, even word by word and that helps too when you get stressed out.    

I send you my hugs and will be online for a few.       

-- Edited by seashell at 01:25, 2005-12-04

-- Edited by seashell at 01:33, 2005-12-04

I have issued the same edict Jersey. My A is sober and must remain so if he expects to remain! I haven't threatened; I have provided factual information, and what he decides to do with it is his choice. Each of us must handle this addiction is his/her own way. Each of us does what he/she must. Handling it all over to God works for some, but I believe God expects a bit of intelligent participation and cooperation from us! Now that you have stood up, you cannot stand down. Your pride comes from having made a stand. I commend you for that, and I send you the best of good wishes. ..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:- ¸.·´ ..·´¨¨)) ((¸¸.·´ ...·´ Diva-:¦:- -:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*