It was just seven days ago that my A was under the influance of Meth., once again, It was hell living with the anger that gets triggered by the drug. He calls me terrible names and looks at me as if he would like me dead. His uncommunicative and all efforts to communicate end up with him turning things around and confusing the conversation until I'm so frustrated I just give up. This are the results of any subject I try to talk about, it could even be something as simple as saying "I really care about you". or have you eaten? He hate's everything and everyone. Me, well I hurt and cry in pain because many times I've had to call the police and have him arrested when his paranoia gets to severe. He would never do that while sober. As the days go by  if he doesn't use anymore, as this time, mental clearity starts coming back and communication becomes easier with each day that goes by. Then there he is smiling once again. Forgiveness kicks into my heart and I cherish each moment of sober time. I don't forget everything that happened but at least I know at this stage of the disease he can make better choices, although still difficult. So I'm back to driving him to meetings, he's back to trying and to work through all the guilt,shame, and feeling of failure. He's working on the 12 steps. I was ready to send him packing but here I am still hoping maybe this time and so I also try once again. He has been an A for 18 years. It has been a long hard and painful journey for both of us but mostly for him.

 I alway's love him and I alway's forgive him. 

I'm his Mom  

      

{{hugs}}

I couldnt begin to feel your pain

Blue Crow that was a heartfelt post and the ending I am his Mom says it all.  I can totally relate to your pain being the mother of two sons.  Your love is always enduring and unconditional.  Sending you luv and strength. Leo xx  

I am the mom of four sons, I have watched as the oldest three have went through cycles.  I used meth years ago, it is a horrible drug, I was lucky and got out before I got to deep. I have prayed that my boys never feel the need to get into that ugly, hurtful place.

My heart goes out to you.  You are in my heart and prayers.

Hugs Mary

Hi Bluecrow,

I've "talked" to you before when you posted and our stories sounded familiar, although mine is my husband.

Well, I had to call on my husband yesterday(to his parole officer) because he was about to drive a bigrig in a totally altered state.  But by the grace of God, things worked out to where he may get the help he needs.  I am hopeful once again that things may work out for him.  He is talking about going back to sober living and putting himself first.  Both good things.  But who knows what is going to happen?  He could turn around and do the opposite.  Addiction is a neverending story, isn't it?  Yes, painful and exhausting, for everyone involved.

Anyway, being a mother myself, I know that feeling that of unconditional love also.  My support for your journey is heartfelt.

In my prayers,

Julie

(((((((((((((Bluecrow))))))))))))))))))),

It's just one of "them" days where your share hit me in the heart and I shed tears over your son's disease.  I just finished reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey and it focuses on what this disease does to that individual (your son) and how this disease wants him so badly.  It was a very tough book for me to read yet at the same time I was riveted and I am learning more and more about the disease and how it has absolutely nothing to do with how they feel about us.

On a more positive note, your share reminded me of how absolutely lucky I am to have 3 sober sons, who, in my opinion, are the most wonderful, cherished, sons of mine and children of God and you reminded me today to tell them how proud of them I am and how much I love them just the way they are.

Thank you and please keep coming,

love Maria