Hallo it has been along time since i visiteed this site.I have been in the programme for about 3 years and during this period i have felt alot of warmth and support from the members of the local groups that i regularly attended.At this very moment i feel very sad,frustrated lonely,and broken hearted.I came to the programme in the midst of a breakdown and i was quite fearful and apprehensive but i gradually made progress as i was willing to be restored to sanity and at least feel normal. At this moment Iam typing this iam flooded with tears and they are tears of pain and frustration i am im my third week of another breakdown,even though iam receiving medication i feel very isolated i feel ashamed by the fact that someone else said to me that i was having a breakdown and i tried to convince her that i was okey and all i wanted was to stop dreading fear that seemed to have taken over my head. I kept denying that i had a problem that is i was not in control of my mind.Eventually my friend contacted my daughters father who came and decided to take me to the hospital. I still felt within myself that i was ok and no body seemed to understand me. Since that day my fears have played up in my head and sometimes i seem to be in control of my my mind and it feels very good. I pray ofteny and read alanon literature regularly which seem very inspiring. All i want is feel that i belong to feel that i am a human being like anyother person to feel good about myself to see my life as simply a precious gift from my Higher power to stop analyzing my life and the programme. Ii would love to feel happy without having to hate myself at the same time. I just want to feel normal. I dont know if there is someone who has experienced mental confusion- feeling of invisibility and overwhelming fear. What used to console me was "if you keep an open mind you will find help you will come to realize there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness to grear to be lessened" I have been trying to say this to myself and i pray hte programme will work for me. sitting with all sorts of feelings and thoughts running through my mind is very uncomfortable.I have not been able to attend face to face meetings but i pray that this too shall pass. please pray for me
danz123 said
Dec 2, 2005
((((((((hopeful))))))))
I am so glad that you are reaching out. It is good that you are also seeking medical help. My husband suffers from depression and as long as he takes his meds he is able to function. So please take advantage of the help you are getting. You are not alone and belong here so keep coming back. I will pray for you :).
hugs,
danz
Rebecca said
Dec 2, 2005
just remember hopeful...
"this too shall pass"
you are not alone. keep coming back. we will all pray for you!
rebecca xxx
shimo said
Dec 2, 2005
Hi ((((hopeful))),
I am so glad you decided to post on this board. You are not alone and you have taken a really postive step for yourself by posting here. It is also really good that you now have some medication to help you feel better because sometimes we need that to help us along. Many years ago I went through a very difficult time in my life where I needed medication to help me. Please, please try to not be ashamed of this as many of us here have been right where you are at the moment and there is hope even though we may feel hopeless at times.
Before I came to Al-Anon I was like you and would analyze everything to death! Someone once told me it is called "analysis paralysis" and the only thing I got from analyzing everything was frustration, confusion and more confusion! I really had to work on myself to stop analyzing. If my thoughts would become obsessive, I would force myself to concentrate on something for one whole minute whether it was a beautiful picture, a piece of music, anything that I could look at to focus myself. If my mind drifted away from that object, I would gently pull it back. I can tell you that minute sometimes felt like hours. Finally, I was able to do this little exercise with ease.
I also had problems with fear. When I searched to find why I was fearful, it was usually because I was projecting into the future rather than living one day at a time, sometimes I had to live one minute at a time. When I really think of it, I only have this one day and I can do for one day what might appall me if I had to do it for a lifetime. This really helped me to put things in perspective. Recovery is a process and it takes time. Please be gentle with you for you so deserve it and let us here at MIP love you until you can love yourself for you are so worth it!
It would be really good if you attend f2f meetings again. There is also on-line meetings here twice a day in the MIP chatroom at 9:00 a.m. EST and 9:00 p.m EST. Other times there is open chat and the room is open 24/7. There is lots of love and experience, strength and hope both here on the message board and in our on-line meetings. Hope to see you there!
Love in recovery - Jeri
Jane Avril said
Dec 2, 2005
Hopeful,
You are so not alone. I wish I could give you a big hug. I was almost admitted to psych. wing of a hospital about 5 years ago and I've been on all the medications out there, Paxil, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Effexor. I'm glad to say I'm not taking anything now, but I know I needed it at the time. Chemical imbalances are real and taking care of yourself is so important. I don't think I have a chemical imbalance of any kind, but I needed the medication when I was on it, I needed help, it was all too painful and the drugs lessened the pain. But for me they deadened all of my emotions, not just the pain, I went on like that for about 10 years. That was before I found alanon.
I've been in pain my entire life. I've felt alone, alien, stupid, ugly, worthless, disconnected, out of place, unloveable, etc...The beauty of alanon is that it is full of aliens like me and, it sounds like,you. I've only been going to meetings since July and I still have so much work to do. I still have all those feelings, but less. I still get lonely, but I know I'm not alone.
Don't bust your own chops, it's so wonderful that you reached out, it's a big step. I've been in a pretty dark place for the past few days and you've inspired me to reach out. So, Thank You!!!
lin0606 said
Dec 2, 2005
Glad to see you reaching out, and glad that you are getting some medical help. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right medication - don't give up. You don't have to feel this way for your whole life - there is recovery out there for you. Keep taking care of yourself, - you're worth it.
Powerless said
Dec 2, 2005
I was just reminded of something as I read Jeri's post. During my first F2F alanon meeting I heard the motto "Keep your mind where your butt is." I took this to heart because it seemed that no matter where I was or what I was supposed to be focusing on I was worried about my a and the kids. If my butt is at work, that is where my mind needs to be focusing on. If my butt is at the park with the kids, then my attention needs to be on my kids, living in the moment.
I do understand about the confusion, fear and anxiety. I am on medication as well and have been on it for a long time now. What I have learned through my doctor is that the more you come off and on your meds the longer it takes for the meds to get back into your system. The medications may even lose their effectiveness. I always thought that I was feeling better so i didn't need the medication any more so I would stop taking it. I didn't want to believe the medication was making me better because then I would have to admit that I had a problem and was not in control of myself. Who was I kidding? I was and am living in chaos and I'm on the medication so what exactly am I in control of?
It's hard, darn hard, but we can do it. You reached out, first to your ex (who was willing to help) and then to us. Honey, keep reaching out. You will make your way out of this hole you are in. The unknown is scary. I stay confused. I have learned that when I am feeling scared and confused, not to make any decisions. That is my HP's way of telling me to be still (quiet my mind, actions and mouth) and listen to what he is trying to tell me. What lesson is he trying to show me? The thing I believe about my HP is that he is more stubborn than I am. He will keep sending me a lesson until I get it.
I am truly sorry that you are in pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers. It will get better!!
gardengal said
Dec 3, 2005
I cannot agree with the others more. Listen to the words of progress, and I too am feeling exactly the way you are today. I had an incredibley emotional crisis last night, involveing my A brother, and I know how alone you feel at this moment, but dont, we are here, your meeting is there, and a phone list is always available for someone to call. I find if you can talk about the problem or feelings which are harbouring in our soul, we tend to rationalize it alot better than letting it fester within our minds alone. There is a saying in alanon which is so true to its meaning......"we are only as sick as our secrets" Once we know we are not alone and we can share anything, and I mean anythign that is bothering us, it seems to lift a huge burden from our shoulders. Glad you came back,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,baby steps,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,gardengal
Hallo it has been along time since i visiteed this site.I have been in the programme for about 3 years and during this period i have felt alot of warmth and support from the members of the local groups that i regularly attended.At this very moment i feel very sad,frustrated lonely,and broken hearted.I came to the programme in the midst of a breakdown and i was quite fearful and apprehensive but i gradually made progress as i was willing to be restored to sanity and at least feel normal. At this moment Iam typing this iam flooded with tears and they are tears of pain and frustration i am im my third week of another breakdown,even though iam receiving medication i feel very isolated i feel ashamed by the fact that someone else said to me that i was having a breakdown and i tried to convince her that i was okey and all i wanted was to stop dreading fear that seemed to have taken over my head. I kept denying that i had a problem that is i was not in control of my mind.Eventually my friend contacted my daughters father who came and decided to take me to the hospital. I still felt within myself that i was ok and no body seemed to understand me. Since that day my fears have played up in my head and sometimes i seem to be in control of my my mind and it feels very good. I pray ofteny and read alanon literature regularly which seem very inspiring. All i want is feel that i belong to feel that i am a human being like anyother person to feel good about myself to see my life as simply a precious gift from my Higher power to stop analyzing my life and the programme. Ii would love to feel happy without having to hate myself at the same time. I just want to feel normal. I dont know if there is someone who has experienced mental confusion- feeling of invisibility and overwhelming fear. What used to console me was "if you keep an open mind you will find help you will come to realize there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness to grear to be lessened" I have been trying to say this to myself and i pray hte programme will work for me. sitting with all sorts of feelings and thoughts running through my mind is very uncomfortable.I have not been able to attend face to face meetings but i pray that this too shall pass. please pray for me
((((((((hopeful))))))))
I am so glad that you are reaching out. It is good that you are also seeking medical help. My husband suffers from depression and as long as he takes his meds he is able to function. So please take advantage of the help you are getting. You are not alone and belong here so keep coming back. I will pray for you :).
hugs,
danz
just remember hopeful...
"this too shall pass"
you are not alone. keep coming back. we will all pray for you!
rebecca xxx
Hi ((((hopeful))),
I am so glad you decided to post on this board. You are not alone and you have taken a really postive step for yourself by posting here. It is also really good that you now have some medication to help you feel better because sometimes we need that to help us along. Many years ago I went through a very difficult time in my life where I needed medication to help me. Please, please try to not be ashamed of this as many of us here have been right where you are at the moment and there is hope even though we may feel hopeless at times.
Before I came to Al-Anon I was like you and would analyze everything to death! Someone once told me it is called "analysis paralysis" and the only thing I got from analyzing everything was frustration, confusion and more confusion! I really had to work on myself to stop analyzing. If my thoughts would become obsessive, I would force myself to concentrate on something for one whole minute whether it was a beautiful picture, a piece of music, anything that I could look at to focus myself. If my mind drifted away from that object, I would gently pull it back. I can tell you that minute sometimes felt like hours. Finally, I was able to do this little exercise with ease.
I also had problems with fear. When I searched to find why I was fearful, it was usually because I was projecting into the future rather than living one day at a time, sometimes I had to live one minute at a time. When I really think of it, I only have this one day and I can do for one day what might appall me if I had to do it for a lifetime. This really helped me to put things in perspective. Recovery is a process and it takes time. Please be gentle with you for you so deserve it and let us here at MIP love you until you can love yourself for you are so worth it!
It would be really good if you attend f2f meetings again. There is also on-line meetings here twice a day in the MIP chatroom at 9:00 a.m. EST and 9:00 p.m EST. Other times there is open chat and the room is open 24/7. There is lots of love and experience, strength and hope both here on the message board and in our on-line meetings. Hope to see you there!
Love in recovery - Jeri
Hopeful,
You are so not alone. I wish I could give you a big hug. I was almost admitted to psych. wing of a hospital about 5 years ago and I've been on all the medications out there, Paxil, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Effexor. I'm glad to say I'm not taking anything now, but I know I needed it at the time. Chemical imbalances are real and taking care of yourself is so important. I don't think I have a chemical imbalance of any kind, but I needed the medication when I was on it, I needed help, it was all too painful and the drugs lessened the pain. But for me they deadened all of my emotions, not just the pain, I went on like that for about 10 years. That was before I found alanon.
I've been in pain my entire life. I've felt alone, alien, stupid, ugly, worthless, disconnected, out of place, unloveable, etc...The beauty of alanon is that it is full of aliens like me and, it sounds like,you. I've only been going to meetings since July and I still have so much work to do. I still have all those feelings, but less. I still get lonely, but I know I'm not alone.
Don't bust your own chops, it's so wonderful that you reached out, it's a big step. I've been in a pretty dark place for the past few days and you've inspired me to reach out. So, Thank You!!!
I was just reminded of something as I read Jeri's post. During my first F2F alanon meeting I heard the motto "Keep your mind where your butt is." I took this to heart because it seemed that no matter where I was or what I was supposed to be focusing on I was worried about my a and the kids. If my butt is at work, that is where my mind needs to be focusing on. If my butt is at the park with the kids, then my attention needs to be on my kids, living in the moment.
I do understand about the confusion, fear and anxiety. I am on medication as well and have been on it for a long time now. What I have learned through my doctor is that the more you come off and on your meds the longer it takes for the meds to get back into your system. The medications may even lose their effectiveness. I always thought that I was feeling better so i didn't need the medication any more so I would stop taking it. I didn't want to believe the medication was making me better because then I would have to admit that I had a problem and was not in control of myself. Who was I kidding? I was and am living in chaos and I'm on the medication so what exactly am I in control of?
It's hard, darn hard, but we can do it. You reached out, first to your ex (who was willing to help) and then to us. Honey, keep reaching out. You will make your way out of this hole you are in. The unknown is scary. I stay confused. I have learned that when I am feeling scared and confused, not to make any decisions. That is my HP's way of telling me to be still (quiet my mind, actions and mouth) and listen to what he is trying to tell me. What lesson is he trying to show me? The thing I believe about my HP is that he is more stubborn than I am. He will keep sending me a lesson until I get it.
I am truly sorry that you are in pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers. It will get better!!