Dear H

I am thankful for being able to share the time I did with you.  It was the most wonderful time of my life - always is.  8 years we have been "dancing" around what it would be to truly commit to a relationship to each other - and we finally got to experience it.  It was beautiful, spectacular and now I have memories I really have trouble thinking about because I cant share them with you.  Where did you go?  What draws you to the drugs and makes you escape from life?  You had support, you had love, you had everything you could have needed from me - why did you push me to walking away from you?  Was it because I didnt do drugs and I didnt fit in with your life anymore? 

Is it so hard for you to imagine a life better than what you are living - filled with love, happiness, compassion and all the other good things that might happen if you stopped doing drugs?  I had to walk away because you were destroying your life and mine at the same time.  I dont know what you are doing - even when we were talking, I dont even know if you were being honest with what you were doing.  What happened to you?  You are so much better than an addiction - you are sweet, vulnerable, full of life, loving - and now you are this frustrated, unhappy, miserable, dishonest, mean person who emotionally has detached himself from a relationship that was fulfilling to you.  Your son is suffering because of your addiction, your family and me.  Your friends arent because they are supporting you in your addiction. 

I am still working on coming to terms with the fact that this has nothing to do with me.  I did everything I could to treat you the right way in our relationship.  If you chose to turn to drugs instead of the people who love you - then there is nothing I can ever do to change that.  I miss you so much - not the person I had to speak to the last month - but the sweet, wonderful person I knew who went to Maine with me and spent amazing days doing spontaneous things.  I have to come to terms with the fact that the person who was with me then - is not the same person who is being irresponsible and not taking care of his son, and pushing me away.  I am lucky I got to see the best of you - and I really hope that one day I will be able to look back and smile because of it.

I love you baby, always will.

Please do the right thing for yourself and your son.

Cynthia

You did a wonderful job in writing such wonderful things down for your A. 

Hugs Mary

I think your letter shows your love.  It's only my opinion but I think you told him how you felt while lovingly expressed your concern for yourself as well as himself.  You weren't mean and I think you really spoke well to his good qualities that you saw when he wasn't active.  

good job...

{{{Cyn}}}

(((Cyn)))
Always sad to have to write such a thing. I have to agree with others, you did wonderfully with it -sounds like it's truly written from your heart.
Well wishes, tea

well done cyn,

i know its not easy to let go. you were probably in tears writing it or broke down afterwards...thats all normal. we all feel it. be good to yourself cyn, im always here if you need me o.k...

rebecca xxx

((((((((((((Cyn))))))))))))

Love in recovery - Jeri

Hi, I think that you did very well in closing and saying what could not have been heard but only read and now thought of by "A"...I find it is hard to talk with my A but finding the time to write in such a way that it is not mean but from the heart is a great thing. Much love from you to him. You did very well!

It's so nice nad refreshing to be reminded that our loved ones have great qualities.  SometimesI focus so much on what he is doing wrong or the hurt I have felt because of his addiction that I Forget the man I fell in love with.  I remember when I thought he was fun and carefree and years later asked myself if he was showing me signs of his immaturity and I didn't see it for what it was.  I think you expressed yourself so well and hope you felt better after writing it.

((((Cyn))))) Good job with the letter! And good job being strong! Hang in there. Linda

((((((((((Cyn)))))))), That was beautiful. I still believe that he loves you, but it's his disease that is clouding his thinking. Save that letter for him, and perhaps one day you will be able to show it to him if you choose. Our As are loving, viable human beings. They are not all monsters. I hate when I hear them called "alki" or "druggie", it's so nasty. They have a disease and yes they are addicts, but they still have the capacity to be good people. We still need to be kind to them and treat them with respect. I keep a journal of letters to my A when we can't talk. It helps to get it down. Once in a blue moon I show certain passages to him. Some are filled with hope. Some are silly. Some show the lonliness I feel at times. It's nice to get it down and look back at how far we've come. He's very lucky to have you. I hope and pray one day that he might choose sobriety and recovery, so he can come back to you. Live strong, Karilynn