I have a need to get this off my back, the only place i can talk about this is here, and I really need to get some peace.
Shortly before my husband and I split up a guy with a little boy moved in next door. His son is the same age as my daughter.
The weekend before I split up with my husband Doug (my neighbor) and I ended up fooling around after a night of drinking. (the split was already planned, but in my heart this was still not okay)
I wrote Doug a note saying I was sorry if I mislead him, but my judgement was altered, and even though I was splitting up with my husband, I had no intentions of ending the marraige with an affair.
I never told my husband, and since then, Doug and I have become very good friends. We talked that situation out. He admitted he had feelings for me, but totally respects where I am coming from.
We never did that again, but have spent hours upon hours with each other. Of course, we were neighbors, and our kids played together. Never once was our time together sexual in any way. He became a very best friend, almost brother like. I love his son, and he loves my kids. We use each other as a sounding board. He has a woman, and I am back with my husband.
When I moved to Calgary I kept my property next to him, and talk to him often regarding my property, and to catch up.
Last night he called me about his son. He is trying to gather up the courage to fight his ex-girlfriend for custody of his son. I got very emotional during the conversation. He said "Aron, you know about my feelings for you. They go deeper than neighbors, and I have told you that before". After saying that, he also stated that what he has with his current girlfriend of over 2 years is different than what he feels for me. I agreed, saying that I feel a deep feeling for him, but it is not the same as what I feel for my husband. I told him I love him as much as I love my brothers, and I love his son like my own, and when I said that, I wept. The feeling was so strong, I couldn't hold back.
Now, my parents never had any close friends growing up, and my husband only has one friend. I am not sure if this is appropriate. We both are comfortable in our relationships, but for some reason I feel extreme guilt about my feelings for Doug. I don't tell my husband about my conversations with Doug cause I don't want him to get jealous.
So what I am asking, is can a woman feel these things for a man and still be a good wife? I feel like I am being a good wife, becuase I still share my mind body and soul with my husband, but I also share my mind and soul with Doug. (my body is strictly my husband's) I am not sexually attracted to him, but feel that I am doing wrong by God....I am so confused.
I would be interested in hearing anybody with stories of similar experience.
Aron
-- Edited by captcodee at 14:26, 2005-12-02
-- Edited by captcodee at 14:28, 2005-12-02
Emmie11 said
Dec 2, 2005
((((((Aron)))))),
I have been in a very similar situation and can only caution you to talk this out in full honesty with your sponsor to determine the best course of action for yourself, because there are multiple levels of emotional attachments and trust at risk in the situation you are in.
I suggest you establish new boundaries with Doug, so that you are not in a position to behave intimately with him, even as far as talking regularly and certainly discussing intimate issues like his feelings for you or for his girlfriend. You say he respects where you are coming from, but the position you are letting him put you in is not respectful of you or of the woman who is in the relationship with him already.
My guess, having been in your shoes, is the reason you are feeling guilty is because in your heart you know the situation is not appropriate, and you are healthy enough to know better but you are already emotionally involved. The feelings do not sound completely brotherly the way you describe them, so you may want to take a deep honest look at what is in your heart and get that out on the table to yourself, your HP and someone in the program.
The other thing that is true is often our discomfort signals that we are continuing to grow, so the guilty feelings in a way are a good sign, because you are not comfortable today with something that may not be bothering him at all, or may have been something you yourself could deny or stuff in the past.
I don't envy you your position, but I do congratulate you on being aware enough that something is not quite right to try and seek objective help. Talk this all the way honestly through with your sponsor or a trusted friend in the program and determine what will be your best course of action from this point forward. You deserve to hold your head up and carry yourself with the greatest of grace and dignity, and doing the next right thing in this situation will help you get to that point more quickly.
Good luck,
Emmie
Powerless said
Dec 2, 2005
Your post really struck a nerve with me. Before I left my husband I became very close friends with a co-worker. This man paid me attention and made me feel sexy and special. We ended becoming intimate several times. I had already decided that my marriage was over. I even told my husband it was over. I left my husband because I could not deal with the fact that he was active in his addiction. I felt that I was flattered by the attention of this friend. Here was a man I could confide in, who understood, who never judged me, who made me feel wonderful. I was not getting any of that at home and it made me feel like a woman again rather than just a wife and mother. It certainly does not excuse what I did. Somewhere along the way I began worrying about him and his addiction and behaviors, my children and what everyone else thought of me that I began to lose myself. After I left I reflected and discovered a couple of things...1) This was a friend who was accomplished, quite attractive and interested in me. I thought that gave me some self-worth. 2.) I was having so many problems in my marriage that I mistook my feelings of friendship, pure lust and gratitude for thinking I was in love.
I returned home to my husband and told myself that I was going to be a faithful wife. I still spoke to my friend several times a week while I was gone and since I have been home. My husband knows that we are good friends. I have told my husband that this man was my best friend and I refused to give up my friendship with him. My husband was okay with that. I have been home for one month and last week I slept with my friend again.
I have come to realize that I don't know if I can ever look at him as just a friend again. My feelings for him are very strong and complicated. I know there is no future. I am not in love with him, but do love him very much as my best friend. I am at the point now where I know I am going to have to choose to keep him as a friend and take a chance on betraying my husband again or let go of a very important person in my life. I have been reluctant to let go of this friendship because I don't think my husband and I will stay together very long.
Anyway, maybe after some time has passed, this neighbor's feelings will start to die down. I don't see anything wrong with a friendship because you very clearly have drawn your boundaries. I think that the conflict you are feeling is because you feel the need to hide the friendship from your husband. My friends are important to me and I will not deny them for anyone. I can see the tough position you are in and pray you find a resolution comfortable for you.
-- Edited by Powerless at 22:09, 2005-12-02
UncleLou said
Dec 3, 2005
This really strikes a raw nerve with me. After I returned from rehab, my wife became very friendly with a male friend from the neighborhood. We were friends for a few years as couples and he and his wife were going through a divorce. The emotional energy spent with this 'friend' left little left for my wife to share with me. She became more and more distant and the walls around her for me grew. In early sobriety, I had no idea how to react to any of this, so I sort of denied that it was a problem although it was eating me alive on the inside. I focused on staying sober.
Looking back, this "friendship" was a major factor on the failure of our marriage. My ex will contend that this friendship had nothing to do with her feelings for me, but I can sure say that it effected my feelings for her at the time. I distanced myself from her and didn't try as hard as I could have out of lack of self confidence and self protection from being hurt by her. I had just celebrated 1 year sober and she rented a condo at the beach with this guy for a week with our kids and his. They went as 'friends' and I wasn't invited. It was a week from hell for me, it took all I had to get through without drinking. I wanted to die. They became more than just friends and it really still hurts like hell.
Lou
notsonew1111 said
Dec 3, 2005
they say when someone has an affair its because this other person gives them what their spouse doesnt. maybe you need to ask yourself can my neighbor give me more then my husband can. in my case i too found a wonderful man a few years back when me and my a were on the rocks. this guy treated me like a queen but what it came down to was that he wasnt my a. i had to completly get the other man out of my life, i knew a friendship would never work out because of what we had at one time and the guy cared for me a great deal. i didnt want to hurt him anymore then i already did, if i continued to speak to him i do believe the cheating would have continued but i would never want a future with this guy if it makes sense. so either way i would lose. i wanted my a and believe i did the right thing by cutting any ties to the other man. best of luck to you.
Jeannie said
Dec 5, 2005
Aron,
While physical intimacy is so important I believe that love is giving someone access to your soul. While I feel it is important for spouses to have full claim over each others body, I think true intimacy is in the mind.
I know when dealing with a male female relationship that is not my marriage, I have found the easiest way to decide if something is apprpriate is to put myself into my spouses shoes. How would I feel if the situation was reversed. If it would hurt me, then it would probably hurt him as well.
I would be as hurt or possibly even more hurt if my husband had a very close female friend who he shared his heart and soul with. I might be able to forgive a pure sexual act. (I don't think I really could so it is a big might), but if he truly shared a relationship with her, I don't think I could ever get past that.
Be careful, the grass is always greener on the other side and you are very vulnerable.
I have a need to get this off my back, the only place i can talk about this is here, and I really need to get some peace.
Shortly before my husband and I split up a guy with a little boy moved in next door. His son is the same age as my daughter.
The weekend before I split up with my husband Doug (my neighbor) and I ended up fooling around after a night of drinking. (the split was already planned, but in my heart this was still not okay)
I wrote Doug a note saying I was sorry if I mislead him, but my judgement was altered, and even though I was splitting up with my husband, I had no intentions of ending the marraige with an affair.
I never told my husband, and since then, Doug and I have become very good friends. We talked that situation out. He admitted he had feelings for me, but totally respects where I am coming from.
We never did that again, but have spent hours upon hours with each other. Of course, we were neighbors, and our kids played together. Never once was our time together sexual in any way. He became a very best friend, almost brother like. I love his son, and he loves my kids. We use each other as a sounding board. He has a woman, and I am back with my husband.
When I moved to Calgary I kept my property next to him, and talk to him often regarding my property, and to catch up.
Last night he called me about his son. He is trying to gather up the courage to fight his ex-girlfriend for custody of his son. I got very emotional during the conversation. He said "Aron, you know about my feelings for you. They go deeper than neighbors, and I have told you that before". After saying that, he also stated that what he has with his current girlfriend of over 2 years is different than what he feels for me. I agreed, saying that I feel a deep feeling for him, but it is not the same as what I feel for my husband. I told him I love him as much as I love my brothers, and I love his son like my own, and when I said that, I wept. The feeling was so strong, I couldn't hold back.
Now, my parents never had any close friends growing up, and my husband only has one friend. I am not sure if this is appropriate. We both are comfortable in our relationships, but for some reason I feel extreme guilt about my feelings for Doug. I don't tell my husband about my conversations with Doug cause I don't want him to get jealous.
So what I am asking, is can a woman feel these things for a man and still be a good wife? I feel like I am being a good wife, becuase I still share my mind body and soul with my husband, but I also share my mind and soul with Doug. (my body is strictly my husband's) I am not sexually attracted to him, but feel that I am doing wrong by God....I am so confused.
I would be interested in hearing anybody with stories of similar experience.
Aron
-- Edited by captcodee at 14:26, 2005-12-02
-- Edited by captcodee at 14:28, 2005-12-02
((((((Aron)))))),
I have been in a very similar situation and can only caution you to talk this out in full honesty with your sponsor to determine the best course of action for yourself, because there are multiple levels of emotional attachments and trust at risk in the situation you are in.
I suggest you establish new boundaries with Doug, so that you are not in a position to behave intimately with him, even as far as talking regularly and certainly discussing intimate issues like his feelings for you or for his girlfriend. You say he respects where you are coming from, but the position you are letting him put you in is not respectful of you or of the woman who is in the relationship with him already.
My guess, having been in your shoes, is the reason you are feeling guilty is because in your heart you know the situation is not appropriate, and you are healthy enough to know better but you are already emotionally involved. The feelings do not sound completely brotherly the way you describe them, so you may want to take a deep honest look at what is in your heart and get that out on the table to yourself, your HP and someone in the program.
The other thing that is true is often our discomfort signals that we are continuing to grow, so the guilty feelings in a way are a good sign, because you are not comfortable today with something that may not be bothering him at all, or may have been something you yourself could deny or stuff in the past.
I don't envy you your position, but I do congratulate you on being aware enough that something is not quite right to try and seek objective help. Talk this all the way honestly through with your sponsor or a trusted friend in the program and determine what will be your best course of action from this point forward. You deserve to hold your head up and carry yourself with the greatest of grace and dignity, and doing the next right thing in this situation will help you get to that point more quickly.
Good luck,
Emmie
Your post really struck a nerve with me. Before I left my husband I became very close friends with a co-worker. This man paid me attention and made me feel sexy and special. We ended becoming intimate several times. I had already decided that my marriage was over. I even told my husband it was over. I left my husband because I could not deal with the fact that he was active in his addiction. I felt that I was flattered by the attention of this friend. Here was a man I could confide in, who understood, who never judged me, who made me feel wonderful. I was not getting any of that at home and it made me feel like a woman again rather than just a wife and mother. It certainly does not excuse what I did. Somewhere along the way I began worrying about him and his addiction and behaviors, my children and what everyone else thought of me that I began to lose myself. After I left I reflected and discovered a couple of things...1) This was a friend who was accomplished, quite attractive and interested in me. I thought that gave me some self-worth. 2.) I was having so many problems in my marriage that I mistook my feelings of friendship, pure lust and gratitude for thinking I was in love.
I returned home to my husband and told myself that I was going to be a faithful wife. I still spoke to my friend several times a week while I was gone and since I have been home. My husband knows that we are good friends. I have told my husband that this man was my best friend and I refused to give up my friendship with him. My husband was okay with that. I have been home for one month and last week I slept with my friend again.
I have come to realize that I don't know if I can ever look at him as just a friend again. My feelings for him are very strong and complicated. I know there is no future. I am not in love with him, but do love him very much as my best friend. I am at the point now where I know I am going to have to choose to keep him as a friend and take a chance on betraying my husband again or let go of a very important person in my life. I have been reluctant to let go of this friendship because I don't think my husband and I will stay together very long.
Anyway, maybe after some time has passed, this neighbor's feelings will start to die down. I don't see anything wrong with a friendship because you very clearly have drawn your boundaries. I think that the conflict you are feeling is because you feel the need to hide the friendship from your husband. My friends are important to me and I will not deny them for anyone. I can see the tough position you are in and pray you find a resolution comfortable for you.
-- Edited by Powerless at 22:09, 2005-12-02
This really strikes a raw nerve with me. After I returned from rehab, my wife became very friendly with a male friend from the neighborhood. We were friends for a few years as couples and he and his wife were going through a divorce. The emotional energy spent with this 'friend' left little left for my wife to share with me. She became more and more distant and the walls around her for me grew. In early sobriety, I had no idea how to react to any of this, so I sort of denied that it was a problem although it was eating me alive on the inside. I focused on staying sober.
Looking back, this "friendship" was a major factor on the failure of our marriage. My ex will contend that this friendship had nothing to do with her feelings for me, but I can sure say that it effected my feelings for her at the time. I distanced myself from her and didn't try as hard as I could have out of lack of self confidence and self protection from being hurt by her. I had just celebrated 1 year sober and she rented a condo at the beach with this guy for a week with our kids and his. They went as 'friends' and I wasn't invited. It was a week from hell for me, it took all I had to get through without drinking. I wanted to die. They became more than just friends and it really still hurts like hell.
Lou
Aron,
While physical intimacy is so important I believe that love is giving someone access to your soul. While I feel it is important for spouses to have full claim over each others body, I think true intimacy is in the mind.
I know when dealing with a male female relationship that is not my marriage, I have found the easiest way to decide if something is apprpriate is to put myself into my spouses shoes. How would I feel if the situation was reversed. If it would hurt me, then it would probably hurt him as well.
I would be as hurt or possibly even more hurt if my husband had a very close female friend who he shared his heart and soul with. I might be able to forgive a pure sexual act. (I don't think I really could so it is a big might), but if he truly shared a relationship with her, I don't think I could ever get past that.
Be careful, the grass is always greener on the other side and you are very vulnerable.
Love Jeannie