Hi Boarders- I am pasting in a wonderful comment by a member of a different board I post on. She so eloquently describes a good alanon attitude(and she is not talking about A!!). It really spoke to me. My A (currently inactive) and I were talking last nite and he was discussing possibly using again. I was trying hard not to react. He kept telling me things like "If I do this, you will say this" etc. I told him he sounded resentful toward me. He said he is just angry with himself that he could not control his use enough to continue it. (I was like-"duh--you're an addict"--but bit my tongue) I am still trying to encourage the honesty thing--but that lying is a hard habit to break for him. I realize that I will get more honesty if I keep my remarks to a minimum---but it is hard when he asks what I think and I know that my answer is not what he wants to hear (ie-no honey, I don't think buying pot is a good idea right now!) anyway-here is that great post by a woman named Lauren-- ."For me, over time I came to understand that the best approach for us > was not to give my husband any specific rules to follow, but rather > to allow him to decide for himself what actions he needs to take, > what he needs to do to be happy in his life and to not feel "caged" - > and then I just have to decide if what he choses to do was/is > something that I could and want to live with, or not. > > This way he is the one in charge of what he does, and I cannot in > any way be cast into the role of his mother or his jailor, which I > don't want to be. This works for us, so so so much better than in > the beginning when I was always trying to set rules for him, about > what he could do and what he was not allowed to do. That just led to > a feeling on both our parts that he as always negotiating > for "more" - more time away, more freedom, etc. - and that did not > feel good to me. So, I finally just let it go and told him to do > whatever he needs to or wants to, and my only rule anymore is that > he always be honest with me about whatever he's doing. If he ever > chose to act in ways that I cannot accept or do not want to live > with, then I would leave him, rather than try to keep him from doing > whatever he feels is necessary or important for him to be happy. > > Fortunately, he has chosen to continue making me/us of a priority in > his life, to be loving and endlessly supportive of me, and to > generally be someone who I still love being with and want to spend > my life with ... and so we are still very happily together. > > I found that what works for me is to focus on what I want and need > in MY relationship with my husband - how I want to be treated by > him, how I want us to communicate and live and be when we are > together ... rather than focusing on what he is or is not allowed to > do in his other relationships and or activities apart from me. As > long as the relationship we have with each other continues to make > me happy and suites me, I will stay."

Thanks for posting that GKnee!

From my standpoint, living with an active drinker/user, when I apply those same philosophies to my life, the results are immediate!

What a serene post that was.  Very wize of you to put it here.  THAT is exactly what Alanon means to me!

aron

Wow, thanks so much for sharing that! Sounds like that is a great model to follow.

Emmie