My a is a crack addict. He has a good job but I believe he blew it this week when he left monday night (it's thursday night) and hasn't been back since and never called into work. He's out doing drugs. he's found a new place where they sell the stuff right downstairs so he doesn't ever have to leave. This is the longest he's been out. I've been in this situation for 15 years, it obviously wasn't as bad then. We have 2 kids, 15 and 12, who know their dad is a crack addict. He took my car, the only one that works and has left me without any decent means of transportation. I talked with HIS sponsor tonight and he told me I need to get him out of my life. I only have a part time job and I doubt I can find a full time job anytime soon as I have been looking since June. I know this is hard on my kids and I'm sure moving into another house and away from their friends, sports and school will be just as hard. I don't know what to do. His sponsor, from talking with my a, thinks there is no end in sight for him. He's not showing any signs of giving in and still doesn't think this is that bad. My a has lied to him too, the last time he called to check in. My a always has an excuse as to why he doesn't go to meetings, group, rehab (again, he's been 4 times). His sponsor said if he really worked the program, he could do it but he's not ready. Just wanted to give you some background although I'm sure all our stories are the same.
I know this is supposed to be about me and I'm supposed to detach with love as I have been reading. I've been to group therapy twice and have gone to alanon meetings in the past. What do you do to finally convince yourself that getting out is better in the long run but so hard to do? I've been over and over this these last 3 days, never cried so much in my life. I don't want to upset my kids lives by moving but I know this dysfunctional family life is not good for them either. I know I'm not alone since there are so many posts here, but I feel so alone. I'm going to keep reading but any advice you can give will be appreciated. His sponsor said he will keep close tabs on me too so I have a friend there.
nmike said
Dec 1, 2005
Hi cabna,
Welcome to the site. We all benefit from each other's stories and we all gain support from each other. How ironic for me. I just opened my daily reading book and read: Simply put detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people. For myself, I have to take very small steps to take care of myself. Should I leave or not leave is sometimes just too big of a step to consider. Maybe you can make smaller decisions about your family until you path is really clear. All I know is that the disease is bigger than all of us including the alcoholic.
Hang in there and take care of yourself.
In support,
Nancy
abbyal said
Dec 2, 2005
Please go back to al anon and this time stay , do it for your kids. There may be an Alateen group for your children as well,it would help all of you.
There is nothing you can do about your husb, but alot u can do for yourself. After a few months in al anon u will be able to make a decission about whether to stay or go . You will be calmer and thinking more clearly,now is not the time to make a life altering decission your way too emotional . good luck Louise
lildee said
Dec 2, 2005
Dearest Camba,
Welcome to the site.
Your story sounds like my life. We have been married over 26 years with two wonderful girls, a little older than yours. About 10 years ago we moved to another state to be near his mom & dad, to help them out as they got older. Anyway to make a long story short both of them passed on and that is when hubby started doing crack. Let me tell you crack is the devil himself. From what I have been through in over 6 years of dealing with his addiction it doesn't great a whole lot better. He has been in rehab, Cocaine Anonymous, and so on. The drug will pervert everything in your life. There is no more "normal" family life. Everything from your kids to dinnertime, to sex, to bills, home repairs you name it will somehow be screwed up because of this disease. It is a life filled with lies, deciet, affairs, stealing and abuse and broken promises.
But as bad as it all seems there is hope.....
You dig in and really work this program. You go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the Steps. Once you have done all of that and can see clearly past the insanity and chaos that fills your life you will be strong enough to set boundaries and make any life altering descisions that you need to.
For me that was setting up a post- nup agreement, switching ALL monies, stocks, bonds and real estate into my name and handling the finances. The whole point is not to be dependent on someone who is filled with insanity and drugged out ideas. You will learn to stand on your own two feet. To set boundaries with enforceable consequences. I know right now it seems impossible but it will happen if you want it. You can have the life you want but it is up to you.
love & God Bless on the journey,
lildee
-- Edited by lildee at 09:10, 2005-12-02
Rebecca said
Dec 2, 2005
cabma,
hi im 24 yrs old and left my boyf. of nearly 2 years exactly 3 months ago due to his drink and drug addiction. its an impossible situation to deal with.. some people are strong enough to get throu it but im not. i couldnt put up with the lies, the deceit...the ramblings and ravings, the anxiety etc...
it seemed like a neverending cycle of doom. i cannot talk to my friends about my "A" because they think he is a waste of space and dont want to hear anthing about him or the situation. they believe i should move on and find some1 else. life isnt that easy.
i cannot go out and find another guy when i still love my "A" with all my heart and soul. i just cant live with him or be with him. the trust is gone. if you want to read my full story..take a look at my previous posts o get a better understanding.
mostly all you can do is protect you and your kids... the only way you can be strong is eating and sleeping properly and ensuring the kids are looked after. keep reassuring them about how much you love them. did you ever sit down with the kids..just the 3 od ye and ask them how they eel or what would they like to see happen if it was up to them. might be and idea!
take care rebecca xxxxxxxxx
cabma said
Dec 2, 2005
Thanks for the replies, I have been reading them as they come up. We are now trying to deal with the outcome of his last outing. He finally came home at 4:30 this morning. He is so worried that he will get fired, as am I.
My real problem is if he does get fired. He is the major income in this family. There is no one to turn to for money to help us out and obviously we don't have savings. We have separate bank accounts and credit cards, but he pays the mortgage (although in the last 3 days, he blew our mortgage money). I have been in denial for so long that I actually still believe him when he says its the last time. I have a part time job that I do from home that pays good money but there's no chance of it turning into a full time position. My kids are used to me being home. I have looked for work but haven't found anything that pays more than what I make now and I'm ancient in my field compared to what's out there now (computers). I'm so scared. Thanks for the support. I will continue to read these posts.
My a is a crack addict. He has a good job but I believe he blew it this week when he left monday night (it's thursday night) and hasn't been back since and never called into work. He's out doing drugs. he's found a new place where they sell the stuff right downstairs so he doesn't ever have to leave. This is the longest he's been out. I've been in this situation for 15 years, it obviously wasn't as bad then. We have 2 kids, 15 and 12, who know their dad is a crack addict. He took my car, the only one that works and has left me without any decent means of transportation. I talked with HIS sponsor tonight and he told me I need to get him out of my life. I only have a part time job and I doubt I can find a full time job anytime soon as I have been looking since June. I know this is hard on my kids and I'm sure moving into another house and away from their friends, sports and school will be just as hard. I don't know what to do. His sponsor, from talking with my a, thinks there is no end in sight for him. He's not showing any signs of giving in and still doesn't think this is that bad. My a has lied to him too, the last time he called to check in. My a always has an excuse as to why he doesn't go to meetings, group, rehab (again, he's been 4 times). His sponsor said if he really worked the program, he could do it but he's not ready. Just wanted to give you some background although I'm sure all our stories are the same.
I know this is supposed to be about me and I'm supposed to detach with love as I have been reading. I've been to group therapy twice and have gone to alanon meetings in the past. What do you do to finally convince yourself that getting out is better in the long run but so hard to do? I've been over and over this these last 3 days, never cried so much in my life. I don't want to upset my kids lives by moving but I know this dysfunctional family life is not good for them either. I know I'm not alone since there are so many posts here, but I feel so alone. I'm going to keep reading but any advice you can give will be appreciated. His sponsor said he will keep close tabs on me too so I have a friend there.
Hi cabna,
Welcome to the site. We all benefit from each other's stories and we all gain support from each other. How ironic for me. I just opened my daily reading book and read: Simply put detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people. For myself, I have to take very small steps to take care of myself. Should I leave or not leave is sometimes just too big of a step to consider. Maybe you can make smaller decisions about your family until you path is really clear. All I know is that the disease is bigger than all of us including the alcoholic.
Hang in there and take care of yourself.
In support,
Nancy
Please go back to al anon and this time stay , do it for your kids. There may be an Alateen group for your children as well,it would help all of you.
There is nothing you can do about your husb, but alot u can do for yourself. After a few months in al anon u will be able to make a decission about whether to stay or go . You will be calmer and thinking more clearly,now is not the time to make a life altering decission your way too emotional . good luck Louise
Dearest Camba,
Welcome to the site.
Your story sounds like my life. We have been married over 26 years with two wonderful girls, a little older than yours. About 10 years ago we moved to another state to be near his mom & dad, to help them out as they got older. Anyway to make a long story short both of them passed on and that is when hubby started doing crack. Let me tell you crack is the devil himself. From what I have been through in over 6 years of dealing with his addiction it doesn't great a whole lot better. He has been in rehab, Cocaine Anonymous, and so on. The drug will pervert everything in your life. There is no more "normal" family life. Everything from your kids to dinnertime, to sex, to bills, home repairs you name it will somehow be screwed up because of this disease. It is a life filled with lies, deciet, affairs, stealing and abuse and broken promises.
But as bad as it all seems there is hope.....
You dig in and really work this program. You go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the Steps. Once you have done all of that and can see clearly past the insanity and chaos that fills your life you will be strong enough to set boundaries and make any life altering descisions that you need to.
For me that was setting up a post- nup agreement, switching ALL monies, stocks, bonds and real estate into my name and handling the finances. The whole point is not to be dependent on someone who is filled with insanity and drugged out ideas. You will learn to stand on your own two feet. To set boundaries with enforceable consequences. I know right now it seems impossible but it will happen if you want it. You can have the life you want but it is up to you.
love & God Bless on the journey,
lildee
-- Edited by lildee at 09:10, 2005-12-02
cabma,
hi im 24 yrs old and left my boyf. of nearly 2 years exactly 3 months ago due to his drink and drug addiction. its an impossible situation to deal with.. some people are strong enough to get throu it but im not. i couldnt put up with the lies, the deceit...the ramblings and ravings, the anxiety etc...
it seemed like a neverending cycle of doom. i cannot talk to my friends about my "A" because they think he is a waste of space and dont want to hear anthing about him or the situation. they believe i should move on and find some1 else. life isnt that easy.
i cannot go out and find another guy when i still love my "A" with all my heart and soul. i just cant live with him or be with him. the trust is gone. if you want to read my full story..take a look at my previous posts o get a better understanding.
mostly all you can do is protect you and your kids... the only way you can be strong is eating and sleeping properly and ensuring the kids are looked after. keep reassuring them about how much you love them. did you ever sit down with the kids..just the 3 od ye and ask them how they eel or what would they like to see happen if it was up to them. might be and idea!
take care rebecca xxxxxxxxx
Thanks for the replies, I have been reading them as they come up. We are now trying to deal with the outcome of his last outing. He finally came home at 4:30 this morning. He is so worried that he will get fired, as am I.
My real problem is if he does get fired. He is the major income in this family. There is no one to turn to for money to help us out and obviously we don't have savings. We have separate bank accounts and credit cards, but he pays the mortgage (although in the last 3 days, he blew our mortgage money). I have been in denial for so long that I actually still believe him when he says its the last time. I have a part time job that I do from home that pays good money but there's no chance of it turning into a full time position. My kids are used to me being home. I have looked for work but haven't found anything that pays more than what I make now and I'm ancient in my field compared to what's out there now (computers). I'm so scared. Thanks for the support. I will continue to read these posts.