I've struggled long and hard in Al-Anon to understand the idea of detachment with love. At first, it sounded like an oxymoron. Detachment was the opposite of love, I thought. It seemed like abandoning the people I loved because of their alcoholism. Was I supposed to just stop caring? In Al-Anon I began to see that my way of caring often meant reacting and manipulating. I'd do something nice for someone because I wanted to be liked. I'd get so caught up in someone else's problems that I didn't have time or energy to seek solutions for my own difficulties. Sometimes I wanted to attach myself and feed off someone mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Then I wouldn't have to deal with the scariness of being a separate person who took risks. Despite these intellectual glimmerings about my motives, I felt frustrated that I didn't know how to translate them into positive behavior. I simply decided my problem was that I loved too much. I began to regard any act of helpfulness or kindness on my part as a slip.
######ROSIE.......yeah, for me it was like "how do you detach and still love???".......i know now, since my rescue business wiht the lab dogs, the meaning of detach wiht TONS of love......but for people???? walking away in love??? this was harder to understand, but i can grasp it.....i LOVE folks, that i cannot be AROUND cuz of their toxicity to my recovery........used to be i had to manipulate and contro....now??? let go.....like tina my "druggie"......i love her, she is my flesh....but i detach from her NA addiction.....i let her write her own song....suffer her own consequences......i do NOT interfer with her life......i too, got so swept up in other's stuff i neglected me/ mine......i care, but i do not interfer........yep, me2 attaching to feed off them........trying to meet MY needs of being loved/ wanted....ooo i see this behaviour when i was in my grand nieces life....i was sooo good to her...comforting her.....being the "mommy" figure that "i needed".....and than she turns on me....omg...what a revelation....it wasn't her need, well, of course i wanted to help her, but it was MY need to be a parent figure, and she turns on me and my "expectations" of my "baby" loving me/ needing me/ treating me with respect.....ALL fair expectations, but she is NOT able to respect people.....she treats everyone in her "wake" brutally if they "cross her".....she is absolutely brutal...i had heard this, but thought "oh no not to ME!!!" and than WHAM!!!! she turns on me like a problem biting dog.....one minute its wagging its tail, than you pet it wrong, and you got a 20 stitches wound........i learned!!!!! i can still love her, but i can distance myself from her anger problems and her abusive adn destructive hehaviour.......to tell you the truth???? she never made amends to me.....justified her attacking me that it was MY fault she attacked....than she "let it go"......i didn't mean anymore than that.........well guess what???? now i am over her....its like "do i WANT that in my life again????" "NO!"........i can love her, but i really don't want her back in a close relationship.......i DO forgive her....i feel empathy for her obvious "acoa" problems....but it is NOT my problem......we have talked about her destructive behaviour, but she chooses to go on, no recovery work........so i let go......i don't want it in my life!!!! my heart has changed.....i am going to take care of me, and only allow loving/ healthy relationships to be close to me.........i can love her/ i DO forgive her/ but i don't WANT her close to me anymore.....not unless she gets into recovery program and works out that horrible abusive temper of hers........
After I told my sponsor about my new insight, he explained the goal was *detachment*, not *amputation*! To detach isn't to stop caring about others; it means I care equally as much for myself. It means I love myself enough to stay out of others' insanity. It means putting enough emotional distance between myself and another to see each of us as a separate individual. Being helpful and kind feels wonderful. It's only when I do this with the belief that I can fix, change, or control the other person that I need to question my motives. Thought for the Day Sometimes what I call "love" is really just control. "Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people." *How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics*, p. 84 ----------
#########ROSIE...........yep, i am not *amputating" her from me....i LOVE me enough to stay away from abuse.......i am staying OUT of her acoa issues...........i HAVE put emotional distance between me and her.......she has her life song, i have mine.........i would still help her , but i would keep her at arm's length.......the last time i helped her, she attacked me, so like a biting dog...you water it with an extension pole....so it can't bite me..........i cannot fix her....i can care, lift her up in prayer.....but get near it???? NO!!!! i cannot control her, i do not WANT to control her.............by the way, the reason why i am thinking of her, is my sister, her gramma, is very upset at her treatment of me and she "got on her" about it, and she was flippant with jane adn said "oh i apologized to her and she didn't accept it" well i showed jane the shitty little email i got from her, NOT a phone call....but this crappy little email, JUSTIFYING her abuse to me..........its ok, now, it hurt for a while, but i have a new saying "man's rejection of me, is my HP's protection of me"............i deserve better in my life........like i said, i would help her, but with a "bullet proof vest" on to protect me.....and NO expectations of gratitude or appreciation.......NONE......i don't give now with any expectations......so if i don't REALLY want to give????? i do not.......if i DO???? its cuz i wanted to "give it away" NO expectations..........thank you DONE>>>
nmike said
Dec 2, 2005
Thanks Rosie. I just read the daily reading at the end of my day. I like your analysis. I do control and manipulate and call it love. Lots of work to do.
Hope for Today - December 1
I've struggled long and hard in Al-Anon to understand the idea of detachment with love. At first, it sounded like an oxymoron. Detachment was the opposite of love, I thought. It seemed like abandoning the people I loved because of their alcoholism. Was I supposed to just stop caring? In Al-Anon I began to see that my way of caring often meant reacting and manipulating. I'd do something nice for someone because I wanted to be liked. I'd get so caught up in someone else's problems that I didn't have time or energy to seek solutions for my own difficulties. Sometimes I wanted to attach myself and feed off someone mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Then I wouldn't have to deal with the scariness of being a separate person who took risks. Despite these intellectual glimmerings about my motives, I felt frustrated that I didn't know how to translate them into positive behavior. I simply decided my problem was that I loved too much. I began to regard any act of helpfulness or kindness on my part as a slip.######ROSIE.......yeah, for me it was like "how do you detach and still love???".......i know now, since my rescue business wiht the lab dogs, the meaning of detach wiht TONS of love......but for people???? walking away in love??? this was harder to understand, but i can grasp it.....i LOVE folks, that i cannot be AROUND cuz of their toxicity to my recovery........used to be i had to manipulate and contro....now??? let go.....like tina my "druggie"......i love her, she is my flesh....but i detach from her NA addiction.....i let her write her own song....suffer her own consequences......i do NOT interfer with her life......i too, got so swept up in other's stuff i neglected me/ mine......i care, but i do not interfer........yep, me2 attaching to feed off them........trying to meet MY needs of being loved/ wanted....ooo i see this behaviour when i was in my grand nieces life....i was sooo good to her...comforting her.....being the "mommy" figure that "i needed".....and than she turns on me....omg...what a revelation....it wasn't her need, well, of course i wanted to help her, but it was MY need to be a parent figure, and she turns on me and my "expectations" of my "baby" loving me/ needing me/ treating me with respect.....ALL fair expectations, but she is NOT able to respect people.....she treats everyone in her "wake" brutally if they "cross her".....she is absolutely brutal...i had heard this, but thought "oh no not to ME!!!" and than WHAM!!!! she turns on me like a problem biting dog.....one minute its wagging its tail, than you pet it wrong, and you got a 20 stitches wound........i learned!!!!! i can still love her, but i can distance myself from her anger problems and her abusive adn destructive hehaviour.......to tell you the truth???? she never made amends to me.....justified her attacking me that it was MY fault she attacked....than she "let it go"......i didn't mean anymore than that.........well guess what???? now i am over her....its like "do i WANT that in my life again????" "NO!"........i can love her, but i really don't want her back in a close relationship.......i DO forgive her....i feel empathy for her obvious "acoa" problems....but it is NOT my problem......we have talked about her destructive behaviour, but she chooses to go on, no recovery work........so i let go......i don't want it in my life!!!! my heart has changed.....i am going to take care of me, and only allow loving/ healthy relationships to be close to me.........i can love her/ i DO forgive her/ but i don't WANT her close to me anymore.....not unless she gets into recovery program and works out that horrible abusive temper of hers........
After I told my sponsor about my new insight, he explained the goal was *detachment*, not *amputation*! To detach isn't to stop caring about others; it means I care equally as much for myself. It means I love myself enough to stay out of others' insanity. It means putting enough emotional distance between myself and another to see each of us as a separate individual. Being helpful and kind feels wonderful. It's only when I do this with the belief that I can fix, change, or control the other person that I need to question my motives. Thought for the Day Sometimes what I call "love" is really just control. "Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people." *How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics*, p. 84 ----------
#########ROSIE...........yep, i am not *amputating" her from me....i LOVE me enough to stay away from abuse.......i am staying OUT of her acoa issues...........i HAVE put emotional distance between me and her.......she has her life song, i have mine.........i would still help her , but i would keep her at arm's length.......the last time i helped her, she attacked me, so like a biting dog...you water it with an extension pole....so it can't bite me..........i cannot fix her....i can care, lift her up in prayer.....but get near it???? NO!!!! i cannot control her, i do not WANT to control her.............by the way, the reason why i am thinking of her, is my sister, her gramma, is very upset at her treatment of me and she "got on her" about it, and she was flippant with jane adn said "oh i apologized to her and she didn't accept it" well i showed jane the shitty little email i got from her, NOT a phone call....but this crappy little email, JUSTIFYING her abuse to me..........its ok, now, it hurt for a while, but i have a new saying "man's rejection of me, is my HP's protection of me"............i deserve better in my life........like i said, i would help her, but with a "bullet proof vest" on to protect me.....and NO expectations of gratitude or appreciation.......NONE......i don't give now with any expectations......so if i don't REALLY want to give????? i do not.......if i DO???? its cuz i wanted to "give it away" NO expectations..........thank you DONE>>>
Thanks Rosie. I just read the daily reading at the end of my day. I like your analysis. I do control and manipulate and call it love. Lots of work to do.
Nancy