Loving someone you don’t know anymore

 

 

When Life gets tough, I tell myself this is definitely enough

I am in pain; my world around me is spinning insane

 

Love hurts as much as getting your finger slammed by the door, and so does loving someone you hardly know anymore

 

Love is not easy at all, there are times when you just want to give up and let that be all

 

It is the person we love, not their illness that we are proud of

 

So many broken promises, so many nights waiting; it definitely takes a toll on us and is debilitating

 

The person I love is an alcoholic, and is my mom, the one person I thought I could count on

 

Now all I see her as is ticking like a time bomb

 

I love her, but I am constantly on a roller coaster that won’t stop

 

One of these days I will not be able to take it anymore and I will pop

 

I barely remember her as she was before; I think she won’t get any better so what for

 

I am protecting a heart that has been broken, a heart that cannot trust, I may just need time to adjust

 

Life will be like this until she decides she wants to get better, other than that all I can do is just let her

 

I cannot talk to a wall, one that does not understand pain or hurt or how it is to fall

 

I love you, but I am drawing the line because I am tired of only seeing darkness

 

It is time for me to see sunshine

 

~Lauren~

 

 

 

 

glad your still writing out your feelings.  The rollercoaster will slow as you grow in the program, hang on girl!

josey

Boy I can relate to you, girl.  I feel like I have been abandonned for 20 years by my mother that chose to go numb, inside this horrible disease.

She has apologized for not listening to me but old patterns are hard to break.  Tonight I told her we neeed to just not critisize each other but she is so very raw at this moment...  she still cannot hear me.

In fact I feel, not even free enough to cry around her, it's partly my own fault, for shutting down from 7-15 when I never cried & was frozen to feelings...  until that day I had that 38 in my teeth.

My family is shattered...  my Aunt just hung up on me, cuz my mom didn't want to talk about what she was going on & on about (you know the same old whine & no listening)  so she was crying (my aunt) & sd, "if she doesn't want to talk to me, I don't want to talk about it".

So I called back & left a heart felt, slightly guilt ridden message...  they always shoot the messenger.

Sink or swim;  I'm just trying to see who the hell I am anymore -- so many yrs out of touoch w/ myself...  but the pain, always there, like a miserable friend (u know, misery loves company), enwrapping me in dark arms of doom & gloom.

My mom is rough -- she says to me, "snap out of it!" cuz I am crying -- I feel it is a sweet release for me to be able to cry.  I have lots of tears to go. 

I have been in one abusive relationship after another...  I just want some encouragement, I can give it to myself but if I can't get any "positive strokes" from my mother, I'll just let up a bit.  I must need time/space.

I know what it's like to feel like I'm going to blow up -- I just started playing music again this summer.  I haven't really listened to music in so long (except for in the car).  I have 300 CD's -when I came to FL w/ my ex over 6 years ago - I came w/ about 40-45 CD's.  He kept everything else I ever had.

Anyway, I guess the point is...  I feel lost but I am getting a little closer.  I feel like I have torched the ground...  now I want to be that Phoenix that rises from the ashes.

I am learning to love myself.  I love you & don't even know what you look like, like many other special ppl in this place. 

 

 

Lauren,

Great piece.  Even not being ACOA, I can still relate.  I love how you not only relate the pain of watching our A's disintegrate infront of us but that by working on our program, we can find some sunshine.

Thanks for sharing your writings and feelings w/ us.

Bob

Hello lauren,

Thank you for sharing this beautiful post with me :) You have such talent and such a connection with words. You are here on this planet for a purpose (as we spoke of earlier) and I think you will do wonderful things to help those who are hurting in your lifetime. You will be blessed and you will have much sunshine in your life :) Stick with the program and miracles will happen :) cdb

LA, this is one of my fav Stones songs...  the lyrics leave a little to be desired w/out the music, it's an awesome song, but guaranteed to make u feel better if you listen to the song!

 

She Comes In Colors by the Rolling Stones

She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors

She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors

Have you seen her dressed in blue?
See the sky in front of you
And her face is like a sail
Speck of white so fair and pale
Have you seen a lady fairer?

She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors

Have you seen her all in gold?
Like a queen in days of old
She shoots her colors all around
Like a sunset going down
Have you seen a lady fairer?

She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors

She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors

Thank u Laurne for sharing. My father is a recoverying alchoic my husband is not. Love is not easy. It is not easy letting someone u love fall apart. That is a very diffuict thing to do. Try and take care of ur self, get a support group going for ur self. Some people u can go to lunch with call on the phone stuff like that. Hang in there.