Last night was our first night back to counseling.  I thought our therapist was going to come out of her chair when listening for 45minutes about what we both want out of therapy.  She said this is the same stuff you guys said three years ago!! So what is going to be the payoff in applying the skills this time?  At first we both said because we want to stay together and make this really work, the kids as a factor.  She said that's the same thing you said before and that did not make you use the skills.  Using a primative way of communicating to each other just seems to be the norm for us.  She pointed out that living in constant conflict is not good for the children as it weakens their immune systems as well as self esteem.  She suggested getting a new book that she is using with other clients called Fighting for your Marriage.  After she talked about the commitment to read the book and work on it, I said "Are you going to do that honey."  She pointed out how parental that sounded.  In reality I guess I was asking because my "a" has never shown much interest in reading the literature.  I thought about what I wanted personally out of this therapy and it doesn't really matter if he reads the book or uses the skills, I want to change the way I communicate, I want to learn the anger management skills to be a better person and parent.  So, will this work while he's actively drinking?  I don't know, maybe that will be addressed in a session, I myself have learned not to bring it up anymore.  He isn't ready to look at why he drinks so much when he drinks or why he uses marijuana every night to calm down.  I suppose at some point he may get it.  I just have to keep my focus off him and put it back on me. 

Twinmom~

Hi Twinmom- I have a question. Does your therapist know about his alcohol and drug use? or has your husband made you take this off the table as a point of discussion in therapy? I do think that some good can come from the therapy--whether he uses or not---because at least u will learn new skills AND maybe (just maybe) he will see how much he contributes to the lack of communication in the house. that is kind of what happened at my house. My husband has come to realize that he cannot continue to use and still get the things he wants out of life (a loving relationship with his wife and kids, career success,etc) At least you are trying. that is important--and 3 years later you are older and wiser and maybe ready to change?? best of luck- Jeanne

Hello twinmom,

Speaking from experience, some counselors will not work with non-recoverying alcoholics. That should not stop you from working on you. It is good to not keep any secrets from the counselor or how can they really help you? I think it is great that both of you went together. Maybe next time you can address this issue since it is important for her to know. Just my opinion. WE say a counselor years ago and he recommended my spouse got to ACOA adult children of alcoholics before he would see us anymore. I joined the spouse group. That helped my spouse to change more than couples counseling would have back then. I also had one counselor years later fire us since my spouse would not do the work. Then one time my husband feel asleep during a session with someone else ,,,,hahah funny now,,, and he was asked to leave. IT has been a long haul for us but the counseling and individual therapy has helped our 27 years of marriage and helped us to be better parents.  Good luck and keep us posted. cdb :)