That was the topic last night at my f2f meeting. It was a great topic and we all had a story to tell. As for me? Where's that roll of duct tape? My mouth just wants to give advice all the time.
leo said
Nov 30, 2005
Giving advice is the easy part. Listening to it when it is given back to us is the problem.
Luv Leo
-- Edited by leo at 09:40, 2005-11-30
gardengal said
Nov 30, 2005
oh yes..pleaaaaaaase pass the duct tape. I too thought I knew what was best for others especially those who are nearest and dearest to my heart. Of course my way was the right way. HUH ! How could I possibley try to convince others what was right or wrong when I wasnt even close to that myself for myself. I know all too well how hard it is to sit back and "let " a loved one go down a path that I felt was not "good". Sometimes when I tried to help would only backfire in my face leaving me feeling worse than ever. Live and let live, simple quote from alanon , but for some, very hard to adhere to. Thanks for making me think about that, a well needed daily practice..........................................................................gardengal
kismetstrand said
Nov 30, 2005
Love it, love it, love the post, love the replies thus far!! Great reminder for me too!
Now if I could just change my family so they would also do this..... lololol *wink*
Thanks!
Luv, Kis
marmare said
Nov 30, 2005
Funny or not, as I work my program and my A has been clean and sober 23 days now, I find my words coming back to me. I was so upset last night when I had to rush the dog to the vet for surgery on her ear. As I spoke to my A on the phone he said, "settle down, this is one of those things you can't control, we just need to deal with it" or the day he told his buddy he quit drinking, his buddy said, wow good for you, my A said "just one day at a time" so I think if we do what we need to do it will come full circle. It is sooooo hard for me not to give advice, and not to interupt my HP works.
Hugs Mary
jrtjosey said
Nov 30, 2005
As part of my pastoral care courses, I have a class in listening, a whole book. Damn is it hard sometimes. And you know what? People are not use to good listeners, they are not sure you are listening if you don't say something! I see it in the chat room when we do actually shut up and listen, people freak and think no one is paying attention. So we do need to do the suttle, listening, nods, since they can't see are facial and physical expressions to know that we are listening. Listening is really an art! Keeping our mouths shut is not in our human nature, we come out of the womb screaming!!
josey
twinmom2 said
Nov 30, 2005
Yes I could use a good lesson in keeping my mouth shut as well. I'm always opening my mouth and inserting my foot!! I'm sure my "a" would be oh so appreciative If I just stayed quiet and minded my own business about his life. It's a compulsion I have not learned to quell. Somewhere in my life I decided I knew what was best for me and everyone else. Funny thing I have better boundaries with friends or coworkers but not when it comes to my "a". He's the only one I want to control with intense passion. Good thought for the day.
Twinmom~
canadianguy said
Nov 30, 2005
Oh boy, can I relate to this one!! When I first joined Al-Anon, I was soooo full of myself.... Boy was I smart - I listened intently, cuz I was (silently) solving everyone's problems for them.... Sheesh, what a lucky group this was, cuz they finally had ME there, to resolve all of their problems....
Not long afterwards, my sponsor "called me" on this.... He told me that it was my attempt to control and manipulate the meetings, and a good sign of MY recovery, and growth, would be shown when I can truly attend meetings and have things happen as they happen.... I think, on that day, I realized just how much growing up, and learning, that is still in front of me... I also am pleased that it happened the way it did, as today I am far more receptive to others, and I am "smart enough" to know that I am NOT smart enough, nor am I any smarter than others, and that I CAN learn from each and every person in my life, no matter what....
Tom
leo said
Dec 1, 2005
Something I was told years ago look at the letters in listen re-arrange them and it spells silent. Leo
Giving advice is the easy part. Listening to it when it is given back to us is the problem.
Luv Leo
-- Edited by leo at 09:40, 2005-11-30
Love it, love it, love the post, love the replies thus far!! Great reminder for me too!
Now if I could just change my family so they would also do this..... lololol *wink*
Thanks!
Luv, Kis
Funny or not, as I work my program and my A has been clean and sober 23 days now, I find my words coming back to me. I was so upset last night when I had to rush the dog to the vet for surgery on her ear. As I spoke to my A on the phone he said, "settle down, this is one of those things you can't control, we just need to deal with it" or the day he told his buddy he quit drinking, his buddy said, wow good for you, my A said "just one day at a time" so I think if we do what we need to do it will come full circle. It is sooooo hard for me not to give advice, and not to interupt my HP works.
Hugs Mary
As part of my pastoral care courses, I have a class in listening, a whole book. Damn is it hard sometimes. And you know what? People are not use to good listeners, they are not sure you are listening if you don't say something! I see it in the chat room when we do actually shut up and listen, people freak and think no one is paying attention. So we do need to do the suttle, listening, nods, since they can't see are facial and physical expressions to know that we are listening. Listening is really an art! Keeping our mouths shut is not in our human nature, we come out of the womb screaming!!
josey
Yes I could use a good lesson in keeping my mouth shut as well. I'm always opening my mouth and inserting my foot!!
I'm sure my "a" would be oh so appreciative If I just stayed quiet and minded my own business about his life. It's a compulsion I have not learned to quell. Somewhere in my life I decided I knew what was best for me and everyone else. Funny thing I have better boundaries with friends or coworkers but not when it comes to my "a". He's the only one I want to control with intense passion. 
Good thought for the day.
Twinmom~
Oh boy, can I relate to this one!! When I first joined Al-Anon, I was soooo full of myself.... Boy was I smart - I listened intently, cuz I was (silently) solving everyone's problems for them.... Sheesh, what a lucky group this was, cuz they finally had ME there, to resolve all of their problems....
Not long afterwards, my sponsor "called me" on this.... He told me that it was my attempt to control and manipulate the meetings, and a good sign of MY recovery, and growth, would be shown when I can truly attend meetings and have things happen as they happen.... I think, on that day, I realized just how much growing up, and learning, that is still in front of me... I also am pleased that it happened the way it did, as today I am far more receptive to others, and I am "smart enough" to know that I am NOT smart enough, nor am I any smarter than others, and that I CAN learn from each and every person in my life, no matter what....
Tom