When I first came to Alanon I heard people say all the time how they had to let go of some friendships they had before Alanon because they just didn't work for them anymore. I really didn't think that would happen to me and lately I've had a hard time accepting that may be true for me after all. I'm facing it now with two people who have been a really close part of my life since I moved here. I'm seeing aspects of their behavior that I don't want to be a part of anymore. I try to detach. I try to let their behavior be their own. But I'm conflict-adverse, and this is hard for me.
I was arranging a dinner for the birthday of a close friend of ours this past weekend. I asked them a simple question - can you come? There ensued a flurry of emails and phone calls about who else was going, who wasn't, who was carpooling, who was going direct, whose car would they be forced to ride in, could they avoid specific people, where would they sit at the table, could the other people sit away from them, would we have to do anything together after, or would it just be dinner? I answered the first couple of these, and then I have to admit I just stopped answering. I wanted to ask them if they could put it aside for this other person's birthday, and if they couldn't they might want to bow out and do something on their own with him later. But I didn't want to bring it up so I didn't say anything. I let them call my husband instead. And he answered. They did come. They isolated themselves at the far end of the table, talked only to each other, and engaged in some exaggerated whispering and finger pointing at the other end of the table before they bowed out early. I know this reflects on them and not me. But these people are some of the people I have considered good friends, and now I can't handle them anymore. Were they always like this? Was I like this? Or is this new? I don't know how to address it, and I am loathe to bring it up. My old habits tell me to just ignore it and let it wither away. The new me tells me there is probably a better way. This is probably exactly why my sponsor has been talking to me about how to be more assertive. So much to learn...
cdb said
Nov 29, 2005
Hello hopefortoday,
My experience is I have been learning that my friend picker is not so good. I have not been seeing warning signs that maybe some poeple are the wrong kind of friends who will not be true friends. I am not sure why I do this but I am working with my psychologist on this. There are warning signs there and I don't always see them. You seemed to point out some warning signs in your post about their rude behavior. Is this the kind of friends you really want? I have also learned in friendships that we can change our boundaries and have a different closeness or lack of closeness with friends too. I am beginning to see how that one saying goes, if you hurt me once shame on you, if you hurt me twice shame on me. I have learned some hard lessons in my life with friends and I hope my friendship "picker" will get better all the time :) There are friends out there we can trust and who are true friends. We just need to be able to identify better who they are. cdb :)
leo said
Nov 29, 2005
Hi you know some friendships just run their course. Sometimes you find in the relationship that you are the one who is always giving and really deep down you know you can't count on these friendships if it came to the pinch. I believe that these people have come in to our lives for a reason and then the friendship slowly dissolves. The people I value as true friends I could probably count on one hand. They are people who I don't even see regularly but I know if I was in trouble that they would drop everything to help me. I have found that my gut instinct is my best guide on how much I confide to different friends and who to trust. You are probably starter to become stronger as a person and stand up for what you want and believe in. Your friends only had to give you a yes or no straight off. I think you showed enormous patience with them in the first place. Stay strong Luv Leo x
When I first came to Alanon I heard people say all the time how they had to let go of some friendships they had before Alanon because they just didn't work for them anymore. I really didn't think that would happen to me and lately I've had a hard time accepting that may be true for me after all. I'm facing it now with two people who have been a really close part of my life since I moved here. I'm seeing aspects of their behavior that I don't want to be a part of anymore. I try to detach. I try to let their behavior be their own. But I'm conflict-adverse, and this is hard for me.
I was arranging a dinner for the birthday of a close friend of ours this past weekend. I asked them a simple question - can you come? There ensued a flurry of emails and phone calls about who else was going, who wasn't, who was carpooling, who was going direct, whose car would they be forced to ride in, could they avoid specific people, where would they sit at the table, could the other people sit away from them, would we have to do anything together after, or would it just be dinner? I answered the first couple of these, and then I have to admit I just stopped answering. I wanted to ask them if they could put it aside for this other person's birthday, and if they couldn't they might want to bow out and do something on their own with him later. But I didn't want to bring it up so I didn't say anything. I let them call my husband instead. And he answered. They did come. They isolated themselves at the far end of the table, talked only to each other, and engaged in some exaggerated whispering and finger pointing at the other end of the table before they bowed out early. I know this reflects on them and not me. But these people are some of the people I have considered good friends, and now I can't handle them anymore. Were they always like this? Was I like this? Or is this new? I don't know how to address it, and I am loathe to bring it up. My old habits tell me to just ignore it and let it wither away. The new me tells me there is probably a better way. This is probably exactly why my sponsor has been talking to me about how to be more assertive. So much to learn...
Hello hopefortoday,
My experience is I have been learning that my friend picker is not so good. I have not been seeing warning signs that maybe some poeple are the wrong kind of friends who will not be true friends. I am not sure why I do this but I am working with my psychologist on this. There are warning signs there and I don't always see them. You seemed to point out some warning signs in your post about their rude behavior. Is this the kind of friends you really want? I have also learned in friendships that we can change our boundaries and have a different closeness or lack of closeness with friends too. I am beginning to see how that one saying goes, if you hurt me once shame on you, if you hurt me twice shame on me. I have learned some hard lessons in my life with friends and I hope my friendship "picker" will get better all the time :) There are friends out there we can trust and who are true friends. We just need to be able to identify better who they are. cdb :)