well my a is still not home and its 12:44am. i just want to yell i told you so. i knew you couldnt stay sober and all that. but what would that do for me? i have so much anger in me right now i just dont know how to get rid of it in a healthy way. i punched pillows and yelled into them, cried all i could and slept pretty much the whole day away. so now what? i told myself if he chooses to give up on sobriety i will not stay. i still dont know for certain if he drank tonight but am 97% sure he did. ive been through this too much to beleive he is sober. this is so hard but i know if i stay with him and he is active and not willing to get help and work a program life will be so much harder for me. i have so much resentment towards him and everyone else that keeps coming in the way of him and his sobriety. in the end i know its ultimatly his choice and its no one elses fault but his. and its my fault for letting him do this to me for so long. no good can come out of me staying in this hellhole. everyone says the disease only gets worse. so what the hell am i waiting for? do i need to see it actually happen or what? i dont know why i havent left yet and when i did, why i kept coming back. i guess i believed him. i resent myself for that. i should have stuck to my words when i was strong and telling him it was over. but for some reason i didnt. now here i am again, alone talking to a post and spending another night alone in my bed. nothing has changed. my eyes are opening more and more each day and im realizing my life for what it really is and am getting rid of the daydreams of a perfect future with this man. i can only work on my half so much. im still working on it, working my butt off. but still im here upset. not crying nearly as much as i used to, not hating myself and making myself think it was my fault. no suicide attempts. i have improved. i can cope better. i have more faith in god then ever before and know he is here with me. i know he hears my cries for help. a few months ago, this was never my thinking. i am showing progress. thx for letting me vent

Keep your chin up. Here for you if you need to talk.  Luv Leo x

{{{{{{{{{{notsonew1111}}}}}}}}}  The middle of the night when you are worried sick is no time to make decisions.  Go to a f2f meeting and re-focus on yourself & your HP.  Perhaps things will not look so dark in the light of day.

(((((((((((((((NSN)))))))))))))),

I know it hurts. I have felt that pain before, and I may feel it again.

I am here if you need to chat.

Much Love,

 

Dear NSN,

Thank you for sharing,your story sounds very familier, I'm working on " Releasing With Love" and not taking things my A does or say's too personal. I don't think my A sets out to use thinking I'm doing this deliberately to hurt my Mom. Remenber your never alone our HP is alway's there.

Hugs