My A came for Thanksgiving partly because one son was home for college and partly because we are down to one car. He moved out in June because he needed a break from me and because he is giving into his addiction he says. He hasn't drank in years but says he will always be an addict. I try to be pleasant when I am around him but I try to set boundaries when he is here. I almost feel like I am in an audition - he watches me to see if things are different. If I act the same then he tells me that he is glad that he left. I asked our 20 year old son to say grace and he said he was thankful for the food and he hoped that his parents didn't get a divorce. I asked my A about this later and he said that he wasn't going to let anything that our boys say influence his decision. He said let's go see a movie and I said if he just wanted to see a movie that it was ok if he went without me. I said that it was important to me that he wanted to do something with me. I tried to get an early start home because there was a storm on the mountains. He said he thought it was just rain. Well, needless to say, the rain turned to ice at the summit. There were accidents galore and I had to turn around. I was driving our truck that has terrible traction. I listened to recovery tapes and said the serenity prayer a dozen times. I slide off the road but managed to get down the mountain and back to my home. I was so scared but I made it.

When my husband called this morning, I told him what happened. I just couldn't stop at that - I told him that I didn't know why I was driving by myself and dealing with this all by myself. I didn't know why I was doing all the chores including making two fires every day and he golfs. We ended up screaming at each other. He just can't be there for me except in such a limited capacity. I know it is the disease that takes ahold of us both. I don't know how to stop it. It is hard being the one that was left behind because "our relationship is so dysfunctional".

I struggle keeping the focus on me. I know I am not the same person since I have found recovery and Alanon. But I just can't seem to cope with being the one who got dumped by the A. I do go to f2f meetings, I read everything that I can; I try to apply the slogans. When I interact with my husband, I feel like I just screw it up. I can't seem to get a sense for what my higher power wants for me. Thanks for letting me vent. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Could it be that you are taking your A's actions as personal rejection. I'm sure your a wonderful lady with much to offer. An addicts actions are not personal against us. Don't be to hard on yourself when you get caught-up in arguments, your working on it, change is a process, it will come. I will keep you and your family in my prayer.

Blessings,

Rosa

((((((Nmike))))))),

I could really relate to the part of the post where you indicated that you feel like your on stage auditioning for your husband. It sounds like your husband--by holding the possiblity of divorce over your head and basing his decision on his assessment of whether you've changed--is threatening you i.e. if you don't change, I'm divorcing you. I can imagine that that threat is incredibly painful and makes it very difficult to make progress and change. Moreover, in this way (and believe me, I know from experience), your partner becomes your higher power.

I've found for myself that the only way I can get out of this kind of power struggle, and the helpless feeling of being on-stage and being judged by someone else's standard (not my own standard) is to ask myself consistently--every minute, of every day--how can I take care of myself FIRST? What do I need to do FIRST to take care of myself?

Then, and only then, did my feelings for myself and my own worth blossom. And I had enough space, and self-focus to actually blossom and change. I could also then see MUCH more clearly whether the other person's criticism were valid or not. I didn't freeze up in instaneous fear and worry over what a horrible failed person I was; I could see their criticism more realisitically and decide what I wanted to change and what I didn't.

The answers to how can I take care of myself FIRST were so small they would have been imperceptible to almost anyone else. I asked myself this question before every and any decision no matter how large or small and found the answer came immediately to me, and most importantly, helped me FEEL SO GOOD It was a very small, important way that I check in with myself and make sure that MY needs are being met. It helps me meet MY needs first before I rush (which I soooo often due) to meet other people's needs.

I know it's hard, honey, but you've got to take care of YOU! Treat yourself very, very well, honor yourself as the child of God you are, and the rest will follow.

Take what's useful and leave the rest!

BlueCloud