My son is now 34 years old, he has been an addict since he was 15. The road has been very difficult. I have seen him close to death many times and it has been a very painful process. Most of his life he has been in and out of jail. His drug of choice is Meth. recently I allowed him to move in with myself and my mother, I thought I could help although I ahve tried everything in the past he really sounded like he was out of his denial and wanted to work on his disease. needless to say he has been using over and over. It has been a difficult two months. He has closed most doors to recovery centers, I have asked him to leave, I'm sure he will. but i get so scared I usally get calls where is is in he hospital or in jail beaten up by the police, he has been in and out of mental health. two weeks ago a ffriens of his called me at 4:30 am he was in top of a building with 20 police pointing guns at him. I'm so tired and so very scared still after all this years. He is such an awsome guy when he is sober, I wish I could help but I can't. I've offered him home,food, tranportation, love, and understanding for his struggles once again and once again I must ask him to leave.  

"I usally get calls where is is in he hospital or in jail beaten up by the police, he has been in and out of mental health. two weeks ago a ffriens of his called me at 4:30 am he was in top of a building with 20 police pointing guns at him."

 

I feel for you.

My best friend was an addict....  Addicts end up dead, in jail, or institutionalized. 

Very few find recovery,  for those that do, it is often a rocky road w/ relapses.  I personally feel an institution would be "gentler" than prison - sometimes it is the thing that saves their lives. 

I can't imagine what your going through but give you (((hugs)))  for sharing your story. 

Keep posting you will find support here.  Looks like you have found the "Serenity Prayer" &/or  3 C's:  we didn't cause it, we cannot control it & we can't cure it. 

It sounds like you've tried just about anything.  It's painful for to watch someone you love self destruct themselves.  I hope you keep coming back here and sharing and also visiting our online meetings. 

You'll find many who have or are living through the pains you are and who have found ways to bring some serenity to their lives despite the chaos of the addicts life. 

Glad you found us and keep coming back.

Bob

Thank you, Bob, I try to capture each sober moment, knowing full well it could be the last one. I try to put myself in the shoes of other mothers, mothers who have children with cancer or other life threatening illness, this must be how they feel. For this moment I will pray, I will never abandon hope, I never throw my son away I only ask him to leave when the disease gets to difficult to live with. And I will pray some more I will never abandon God either I did that once long ago. I thought I could do it by myself I was mad at him because he wasn't answering my prayers. I read books, majored in Psychology, got certified as an Alcohol and Drug Counselor. went to Alanon, etc........ Then one day I found myself crying and praying and realized I had gone full circle and nothing had changed my son was still an addict and I had become physically weak trying to control the illness without faith in him . I find my moments of peace in trusting God but it hurts to watch my son slowly dying, very painfully, very slowly. I'm not ashamed to have a son as an addict, what shame could there be in once child having any life threatening illness addiction is no different to me. Addicts suffer and as painful as it is to watch I hope other people have grown and learned to love, to forgive, to find courage where there feels like there is none, to loss the self-centered, and judgements that we adopted. I've learned allot. I went in search of trying to fix my son and I found myself and corrected bad attitudes that needed changing. I learned to love him more and but the with the love has come more pain.          

Hi Blue Crow it is nice to meet you.  I am a Mum to two boys(adults?)20 and 17.  I feel your pain.  You know it doesn't matter how much you have studied things when it comes to your own it is okay to make mistakes.  Being a parent is the hardest job in the world with no training.  You have given your son love, guidance and understanding.  He is a lost soul.  I pray that HP will intervene and guide your son to a secure environment that is safe for him.  Thinking of you and your family.  Luv Leo xx

 

  Thank you, Leo,

   Most people are very judgemental and don't have compassion for the difficult and painful process that both the addict/alcohol and their loved ones go through. Thank for the support.

My A will likely be feeling better and more clear headed today. He hasn't eaten much in three day's or drank liquids. He was informed recently that he has Hep. C, he isn't taking care of his medical needs. He was told he must stay off alcohol and using drugs, it hasn't happened. I'm scared for him and his health.

Hi Bluecrow

The way you just described your son, he sounds like my husband.  It is very sad to watch him destroy himself.  My husband has been up since Wednesday night and he is in an outpatient program for Parole right now.  This morning he was asking me for urine so he could test clean, and as painful as it was I told him "no".  So I am sitting here trying not to focus on what is going to happen to my family and leaving it up to my HP.  We had a good open talk this weekend and he knows he needs help. But from experience, I know he will not seek it until he is forced to(going to prison).  One of the things that I pray for daily is compassion for this sick sick person that he is.  And i pray with all my heart that my son will not fall into addiction cuz it would be so very painful.  I feel for you and hope you can find some peace today as my heart goes out to you.

Love Julie

 

Thank you Julie,

This looks like it's going to be a good day, my A is mentally sober and communicative. When he  is in this clear state of mind he can reason and understand what he has done. My problem is that because I love him it is so very easy to get into my own denial and fool myself into believing that this time he will change. It's so easy to forget the pain I just went through from one day to the next. God Bless you and your family. These are difficult issues that don't have one right answer. I often ask myself the question," What can I live with if my son died tomorrow" can I live without regrets and without blaming myself with repeated questions should I or could I have done this or that? Sometimes even letting the A fall as in not covering up for there mistakes and letting them face there own consequences is a way of one doing our best for them. I've called the police and had my son arrested many times, I believe it saved his life, at the it was the best choice possible . That was the right thing to do at the time. Sometimes I rest easier when he is in jail, county jail that is prison is another scarey demon. It's never easy after all this years it's still not easy. And I pray and I pray.