Hi everyone,

I am just trying to gain some perspective on why I'm this way. When I was young, my heart's desire was to be an artist. My dysfunctional family poo-pooed this , as , they put it, you can't make a living as an artist. So I gradually stopped doing any art as I tended to life's ongoing journey, marriage, children , so forth. But now I'm by myself, and can't work as I am disabled , so what keeps me from doing some art? I don't know. It's like I just can't give myself permission or something. I'm 47 yrs old. I looked up an old HS classmate on the internet and there she was, had done artwork for DFW airport even! Is doing wonderful things with her art. We were in the same honors art class in HS. And I wonder , 'what if........'. but I feel guilty if I do anything in that area. Why? Those old tapes in my head, my family might as well be at the kitchen table with me, sitting round table debating, arguing, why I shouldn't be doing artwork. How can I work this program to where I can do this for myself? Am I too old to start working on it? This might seem stupid to some people, but it's real for me. And now my mom and sis will ask me why didn't I do anything with it?! As if they never had said the other to me! It was so pounded into my brain, that I didn't even continue drawing much less anything else,now it's as if that was erased in everyone's brain except mine!

John invited us to share and this is something I WANT to do for me. I'm trying to change the tapes, does it just take forever to do? It's supposed to be focus on ourselves and be good to ourselves right? I know what it's supposed to be, but it's hard not to hear those tapes in my head. But I truly want to break free of them!Any insight will be appreciated. I guess this along with other things is something I didn't feel I was worthy to have for myself to enjoy.

Well, tomorrow I will try to do a little bit and work on my tapes at the same time, and maybe that 'll change with time.

Thanks for listening yall.

Joni

-- Edited by jonibaloni21 at 00:22, 2005-11-27

Hi Joni,

I read alot about codependency because that's how we come out of dysfunctional families. We have to give them back their shame, angry, fear, etc. to reclaim ourselves. I was just listening to Terry Kellogg's tapes on codependency. He says trying for perfectionism keeps us from doing things. I guess he means that we think that if it isn't perfect we will be criticized.

I know what you mean about the tapes. Change them. Do what you want and you will be free! Hope this helps.

In support,

Nancy

(((((((((((((((Joni))))))))))))))))))),

You hit the nail on the head hon !!!!  You are only limited by your own thinking.  Don't let that stop you.  Dysfunction distorts our thinking telling us lies that everyone else has instilled in us.  I too suffered that way.  But for the past five years or so, I am doing everything that I thought I never would.

I go to restaurants alone (and actually like my own company).  I travel alone and love it and meet the most wonderful people.  I go to amusement parks and ride the most thrilling, scary rides.  And finally I decided to go to college.  It's scary (cause I am a perfectionist -- character defect at times -- and want only A's).  But I am walking through the fear anyway.  I used to awaken to "God, it's morning" now I awaken (tired - lol) but with an inspired view of life and say "Good morning, God :)"

Anyway, I am in your corner.  Get the canvas, get whatever medium you use for your art and just begin.  Progress not perfection.  The journey of 1,000 miles starts with but a single step.  Joni's masterpiece starts with but a single stroke.  I am rooting for ya hon.

love,

Maria

Joni, Art has no age limits. The beauty of creating art is that you are never too young, or old, or limited to do what you want. Art comes in all forms and styles. If your passion is painting, pick up a paintbrush. If it's ceramics, pick up some clay. If it's singing, then sing your heart out in the shower. It's the creative process that's important, not the outcome. Art therapy is used in all types of treatment programs. My A has discovered that the complicated paint-by-numbers, or color-by-numbers when he is really stressed, is very cathartic. The art doesn't have to be perfect. One can look at a Jackson Pollack and say that's not perfection or art, it's ugly! In whose eyes? I love to embroider, but my eyes can't handle the tiny stiches (I'm far too young to have bifocals! ), so I'm looking for another outlet. I'm trying to paint. Is it good? Not really. But I'm having fun at it, and I see some progress. My passion is cooking and sometimes recipes don't turn out the way I would have liked it. But I tried, and they're for the most part still tasty. It's amazing how the old voices from the past can come back to haunt you. If you call a child a all their life, then they are going to grow up believing it. Why should they change? Years later it will affect them. The only thing I can offer you on how to stop the voices, is to just focus on your art and what you are doing at the moment. Stay in the moment, maybe put on some music in the background. Happy creating! Live strong, Karilynn

Hi Joni

I was in a state similar to yours and it ate away at me. I was always trying to please others and in the end it made me question who I really was and what I really want. Someone suggested a book to me as I could not stop the constant tape in my head. The book is "A guide to Rational Living" by Albert Ellis and Robert Harper. It is an excellent book and I use it as reference now when I have bad days where I can't shut off the tape in my head.

jmot

There was a dance class listed in my community that I wanted to try so I did. Once I got there, I heard those same voices--too fat, too uncordinated, etc. I took note of those voices and when I left class those first few times I went home and listed all of the criticism on the left hand of the page and a the truth on the right hand. For example, left side: I'm too uncoordinated. Right side: This is my first dance class ever. I'm really proud of myself for even trying. It will take time to learn the steps and I'm sure I can do it by the end of this class. I did this only one or two times and PRESTO, thoses voices disappeared. The voices just couldn't stand up to a good dose of the truth. I enjoyed the class tremendously. Once I'd challenged the voices and they dropped away, I enjoyed really being THERE IN CLASS--focused, energetic, and loving every second of it.

You deserve to use your creative energy in your life!!!! Paint, sing, foxtrot and tango !!!

BlueCloud

Joni,

You are never to old to live. Talent is a gift no matter what you have or have not done with it. No one says you have to get rich doing it. If you enjoy doing something, so it. The only person you need to please is you.

The one question we can never answer is "What if?". We owe it to oursleves to try, then there is  no what if.

Paint, draw, do whatever it is that you enjoy. Don't worry about what your family will say. That is their problem to own, not yours.

                          Love Jeannie