Hi ,

Well, here I am again all distraught and upset.

I went for my yearly checkup with the doctor and got a bad report.  He said my CA levels were up.  Now I've been going for test after test looking for cancer.  Of course some of them takes weeks to get in.  So far they haven't found anything, I have to go now for a scope on my overies and bowels.  They haven't checked my chest yet I believe that's where the trouble is as I'm a smoker and has been having discomfort in my chest for a while but I'm afraid to tell the doctor.

This is all bad enough but my daughter as slipped again.  She started a new job, she said she liked it. She had went to a lawyer and got things started so she can get her alimony, (her ex wouldn't give it to her, said she didn't deserve it) so things was starting to look okay again.  Then we had the 2 children here Wednesday night for dinner and we watched a movie then I drove them home.  It seemed like she was talking to her Ex longer than usual(her kids arn't with her because of her drinking) when she came out to the car she didn't say anything but was very quite.  She called later that night to see if her sister could give her a ride to work in the morning. (My oldest daughter was here for a short visit to be with me since the unsettling news the doctor gave me) That was 11 o'clock.  When she went over the next morning she was still drunk and didn't go to work and she hasn't been there since that's 4 days now.  It looks as though we are going to have to pay the lot rent and morgage again for her, we have to do that since it's all in our name(my husband and I) I was so mad at her I asked her what the hell is wrong with you. She said having the 2 kids and it being close to Christmas really upset her.  I think it was more than that I think her Ex said somthing again everytime she has to deal with him she falls back to the bottom. Even if he don't openly say anything he has this demeaning attitude all the time towards her and me or anyone who has dealing with her.

I just don't know what to do, this is all to much for me to deal with now I'm tired of it I get so stressed out about her, then I'm so afraid for me I just can't deal with this anymore. My husband wants to sell the trailer and let her find her own means of living. We just can't keep looking after things, he's sick from years of drinking and smoking now the doctor tell me my cancer levels are up. We're both close to 60 years old but it seems so mean to put her out.  I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not.  I'm so mixed up I just can't find any peace anywhere. My daughter will soon be 31 she old enought to know better but she's acting more like a 17 year old.

I just don't know what to do.  What is right or what is wrong to do for her.

Linda

 

Sandy, the most important thing right now is to take care of YOU!  It seems that you are trying the same thing over & over again with your daughter, and then expecting different results.  Maybe it is time to try something new.  Tough love is not mean... it is better than enabling someone to keep going down the path of destruction... and taking you along with them.  How are you with "detachment?"  Is that something you have tried?  Can you look into that?

No one can make you do this, but I think it would be wise to mention your chest discomfort to your MD... it could be your heart that needs to be looked at.

I wish you a peaceful day.

ESH

I feel for you so, it always seems harder when things go wrong when our own health is shaky. The most important thing for you to do is to take care of yourself. Please be honest with the doctor about the pains you are having - it's scary but you will feel so much better when you are doing what you can to deal with the problem, rather than avoid it. I know this from experience; I am an avoider myslef, but I have learned that pushing myself past that hump really does make me feel more in charge of my life. I don't know what is best for your daughter, but one thing I do know - she acts like a 17 year old because she can. If you are always there softening her fall for her, she may never reach bottom, and may never do what she needs to to get better. Let her go - you have important things to focus on in your own life. All you helping of her is not realy helping her anyway, so you can just put it down, and focus on yourself.

Hi Linda, I am new to the board and 3 year Al Anon member. I was feeling overwhelmed on Thanksgiving. My sponsor came over and we read how God doesn't give us more than we handle WITHOUT HIS HELP. I don't know if we are allowed to mention literature other than conference approved...More the Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beatty has a good reading about this on Nov 21st. "People always say that you'll never get more than you can handle. But that's not true if you're trying to handle other people's stuff."

She reminded me that I needed to go back to the steps ~ esp 1,2, and 3. I have been reviewing them over and over. I know that when I keep the focus on me I do better because I have NO control over my alcoholics (or anyone or anything else for that matter). If I focus on what I do have control over, I do better.

Regarding your health issues. I heard someone say once that the ONLY time she kept her focus on herself was when she was having health issues. I find that the only time I can say no to others and the only time I am doing what really matters to ME is when I am in a health crisis of my own. Perhaps that is the best thing you can do for you? Remember that stress depresses your immune system.

If I may suggest this, please make a plan to do something for yourself ~ caretaking ~ EACH day. Whether it is a bath, reading, meditating, a walk....do something for YOU. You are worth it. My previous sponsor told me to GET OUT OF THE WAY and let my alcoholics hit their bottom....it is hard to do but Steps 1, 2, 3 can help!

Take Care,

Lola 

 

 

 

I have a friend who is battling cancer at the moment and lives with an active A she is around your age.  She frequently has to fly out of town for treatment and has made the decision to stay with friends and concentrate on herself between now and Christmas.  Her active A has the choice to join her which at the moment he chooses not to do as he is so focused on his own plight in case something happens to her.  My message to you is look after you.  Tell your husband not to put any pressure on you at the moment in regard to your daughter the A.  You are at breaking point.  Your health is paramount and everybody else's problems have to be put in the background if you want to be well.  I am praying that HP sends you love and strength and your results from tests are good news. Luv Leo x

((((sandy))))

I know you are worried about your daughter. But you need to look out for yourself first.

You have to do what you think is right, and I know we are not supposed to give opinions, but on this one I am going to.

You should be honest with your Doctor. They cannot help you if you do not tell them the truth. I know it is scarey, but you are important, and they cannor treat you properly if you are not completely honest with them.

This is the best thing you can do for your whole family. You do not have to go through this alone, we are all here for you.

                                                          Love Jeannie

lin0606 is exactly right. You must let your daughter go. I cannot imagine how hard it is to do that, but you, with the help of your HP, will find the strength. You must concentrate on your health and peace of mind now. I wish you well, and I send you a tight hug...(((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))...I wish I could do more. With deep caring, Diva

((((((((Linda)))))))))))

I feel for you in this rough time of  your life,but just trust in your hp and things will get better,a may not get better right away,but they will. I know it is hard for you,but you must let your daughter go,she is old enough to take care of herself.  I can't imagine how hard that must be,but have faith. You are most important..How can you care for her when you are not cared for.Be honest with that doctor,and take the steps necessary to make "you" better.

I am 17 actually... but I guess I gre up fast...My mom is 32 she had me young,and so to make a long story short I cared for her,and tried to care for everyone.What I really needed to do was care for me. Same goes for you.You are important,and valued and loved...

Lauren~

Dear Linda,

I don't think it matters how old they are when it comes to our children's behavior. It tears you apart when they make mistakes. The most important thing I have to remember is that my daughter has her own higher power and I am not it.  I love her, but I don't love her disease. Luckily, she hasn't been using hard drugs for awhile so I am grateful for that.

This is the time to take care of yourself Linda. You may have a serious illness that is completely treatable. You will be ok. No matter what happens you will be ok. You have a higher power also.  If that means that  HP wants you with him, it still means  you will be ok. Take care of yourself Linda, talk to the doctor honestly, and love yourself as much as your HP does. SenoraBob

Linda said:

I just don't know what to do.  What is right or what is wrong to do for her.

*********The question needs to be what is right or what is wrong to do for YOU!  Especially right now, you need to focus on yourself, your health and your peace of mind.  I can only imagine the stress you are under with all these tests and levels and whatnot, but for you to take on the burden off all your daughters choices, decisions and problems right now is not doing you any good whatsoever.

I'm going through a very bad time myself these past four days.  My husband is my main A but my 19 year old daughter is also an A.  (both with drugs but my daughter drinks as well)  Long story short, in the midst of all the problems in my house right now, my daughter has been on a major bender these past 3 nights, calling everyone at 2,3,4 in the morning talking incoherently and crying.  Ends up early this morning her boyfriend tried to commit suicide.  I told her to come here and let his father take care of him.  That it sounded like she needed to take care of herself right now and spend some time with her son who I babysit every day while his dad works.  He's been living with his dad for the past 5 or so months.  Anyway, she was just going on and on blaming me for all her problems.  Meanwhile I have my husband/a here blaming me for all his problems and I simply couldn't take it anymore.  I told my daughter I'm very sorry but I could not come and get her or help her get here today.  She lives about an hour away.  I could tell she was still high/drunk or whatever and I simply could not deal with it on top of everything else I'm dealing with right this minute.  Yes I feel bad, but even if I got her here today, I couldn't *fix* her or *save* her from herself.  What I can do instead is pray for her, since it's her Higher Power who's gonna have to do the saving and fixing here anyway.  It's just not in my power to do no matter how much I wish it were.

So, please try to put yourself first right now, and make your decisions based on what's best for YOU, not what's best for your daughter.