hi guys,

i went to a family day at the rehab centre last sunday where my ex-boyf. is currently in his 5th week of treatment. i really shouldn't have gone because i was totally emotionally unstable by the time i left. some people might say i should have been signed in there myself. i had to sit in a room full of about 50 people all family members of the addicts being treated. there was mothers talking, fathers discussing what does the future holds for their sons etc... i was listening intently nodding in the appropriate places when all of a sudden this little boy about 6 yrs of age stood u and started talking. the room was sooo silent you could hear a pin drop. he said the following :

  " my daddy drinks alot. my mommy says he is sick. when he comes home he shouts alot and he makes mommy cry. i hate when that happens. it was my birthday last week and daddy promised me he wouldnt drink for the whole day...but he lied. he came home drunk and with no present. i dont like him anymore. im afraid and i dont want my daddy to be like that my whole life"

At the end of this speech which took all of 30 seconds i was in bits...sobbing uncontrollably as if the child was mine. i had a sudden realization that i don't want that. i can't have a life like that. i cant willingly put a poor child throu that kind of life. im not strong enough to cope. i cant beleve all of my "A"s "false promises". i cant take that chance. he put me throu hell for the last 3 mths we were going out. it was the end. the trust is completely gone. its just so hard to cope and look on the bright side when there doesnt seem to be any. i can't erase all our hopes and dreams and plans for the future that we had...they mean nothing now. i feel sooo empty inside all i can feel is my heart breaking every single day. we were going out for a year and 3 mths and it was the best year of my life without a shadow of a doubt. he had been off everything for over 2 yrs...then the scumbag friends came back on the scene..and that was the end of my gorgeous kind generous loving boyf, he was replaced by a monster. i couldnt cope with the jekyll and hyde personality and left him.

all he ever wanted was a family of his own and security, i loved him sooo much i wanted to be with him forever but i cant take that chance. not now. listening to that child speaking that day in that small room was like listening to the story of my future from what would be "our child". id have to move to outer monglia to get away from him. how can life throw sooo much at you and still expect you to come fighting back, when my spirit is dented so badly i cant even find a reason to be happy anymore. does anyone feel totally lost and alone...or is it just me?

  rebecca xxx

Hi,

 you have a great big heart  be kind  to yourself

dori

Maybe your HP had that poor child speak to you that day to help guide you.

Bob

Hi,

You might want to go to an Alanon meeting.  I felt the way you did when I went to family days.  I often left without much hope or not knowing what dirction to go in.  Meetings, a sponsor, working the twelve steps, helped me to find my way to a higher power.  It also provides me with tools to walk thru life.   My experience is that the family days gave us information about the problem of alcholism, the program offers a solution.  It helps us recover from the affects of living with alcoholism.  Although your boyfriend was sober for most of your relationship, he still has the "--isms".

Also, it helps me to try to focus on just one day at a time -- today.  Otherwise if I get caught up in fears about what I think might happen in the future, it can paralyze me.  It's called projection.  It's one of the affects of living with alcoholism.  When I'm in a bad place, I usually always feel better after I leave an alanon meeting.

Rush

wow! I consider u to be very Blessed to have such huge realisations & with your A for 4 months.

I am 37 1/2 yrs old...  my mother married an alcoholic, they've been married for 26 yrs... she had already told him u can't be in my life unless u go to mtgs everyday -- back in July when he got caught cheatting by his mistress' husband - found very private IM's & e-mailed them to my mother.  He admitted to having affairs for over 15 yrs & has a gambling problem.

The pendelum has swung, now she has said - do wtvr u want, carte blanche just tell me where u are.  Today she told him (I postd about it cd:  Love & Acceptance, how to help an "A") just that, "I love you just as you are.  Be yourself, if you want to drink don't worry about me.

Their Aniversary was Novemeber 7th, two days afterwards he called her to say, I'm going to spend two nights w/ my g/f.

I married an addict back in 1996.  We were married 4 yrs & 2 months...  he was SO nice & loving, quiet, considerate for a year & a half while we were planning our wedding & living together.  The second day on our Honeymoon he changed like Jekyll & Hyde -- after 1 1/2 living together -- I was scared still, a deer in the headlights.  Each year of marriage got markedly worse.

Funny thing is, I didn't realise I married an addict until we were divorced for 5 yrs & all of this junk with my step-father (the A-bomb) I call it, July 19th.

You are so Blessed to love yourelf enough to have your ears & eyes wide open, right now, this moment.

I thought he would change, I thought it was my fault, I didn't have the love for myself & I believed his lies.  The last 2 yrs of marriage I was suicidal daily...  he encouraged me telling me to "do it in the bathtub, so it wouldn't be messy to clean up afterwards".

I ran away from him on vacation - he NEVER would have "let me go".

He isloated me frommy friends & my family -- I didn't talk to my mother a whole year, she couldn't take the pain I was in & things never changing & he was irrationally jealous of my love for her, 'cause it far outweighed my love for him.

It sounds like you love yourself.  You are far ahead of me, I am new at loving myself but I am getting there.

You ask, has anyone felt like this before -- i was depressed & suicidal (well, I wasn't living, I just wanted to be out of pain, out of the situation I was in, I don't think I really wanted to die) for 20+ years.

Well, I guess when I tried to  OD the second time, 3-18-05...  I did want to die, it was a cry for help, I couldn't get through to my mom & I have chronic pain & still trying to pick up the pieces & work anyway...  unappreciated, not loved enough - but I had to get to love myself first. 

It only just happened for me, within the last 2 months but my life has changed completely as I am praying daily...  the first day I felt the feeling of "love for myself"  I got overwhelmed with it & cryed.  It feltlike a glint.  A tiny spark but it grew to a glimmer, it's a full blown flame now, some days I feel it filickering but it's a living flame.

I am Blessed just to be here & be heard, ppl here do understand.  All of our stories are relative but extremely similar.  You are not alone.

love, -K

Hi Rebecca

I can understand your grief and loneliness, losing all the dreams and hopes for the future that you had with your boyfriend must be heartbreaking.

I left my A 12 months ago - and it has been a long road since then.  I had a wake up call too - but I was so far in denial I just wanted to hope and believe that my A would change.  I ended up asking him to leave - which he did - and then I begged him to come back and humiliated myself so many times!  I just felt so lost and empty without him - but I had to work out that I couldn't live with his abuse, his selfishishness, his coldness.  He had been in recovery for 3 years when I met him but was a 'dry drunk' when we were together for 2 years. 

I tried everything I could to change him!  At the end of the day I had to take the focus off him and put it onto me - I chose to respect myself and my future and I ended our relationship, which was incredibly painful and I feel humiliated thinking of how I begged him to come back to me!

I'm still alone, no relationship since then and I have my moments of loneliness and despair.  But the self esteem I have gained, the integrity, and the respect I have for myself now is invaluable.  At times I would still like to have him back in my life - but that's my addiction that I'm dealing with.  I would never act on it - not now - not after everything I have fought for and gained through Al-Anon. 

My life is my own now, free from abuse and I am proud to have made it!  Best wishes for you, and my thoughts are with you.  Surrounding yourself with good friends and taking good care of yourself (even when you don't feel like it!!) will really help your recovery.  Be proud of the strength you have and the person you are. 

((((((((Rebecca))))))) Figured you could use a big hug.  I got a similar message a couple years ago from my youngest's son's principal.  He was 11 or 12 in the 6th grade, the principal told me that when my son had to go to his office, the principal said well should I call your mom or your step dad.  My son said, please call my mom because my step dad has been staying out late at the bars and when he comes home he and my mom fight.  The call to me then was to make sure I was safe.  I was embarrassed but now (my A has 18 days sober) I see things differently.  That should have embarrassed my A not me.  I have learned so much, I think things out, I pray for inner strength and for my HP to heal my A.  I can't change the past, I can't worry about tomorrow, I can only live one day at a time.  It is good that you are realizing things, that you are feeling your feelings.  I kept mine surpressed for many years, thinking my feelings were not as important as everybody else's feelings.  Be gentle with yourself, go to meetings, post often on the board, and pray. 

Hugs Mary

((((Rebecca))))

I feel so much for you right now.

Your story really touched me. I found out I was pregnant on Nov. 2, something clicked inside of me and I realized that I wasn't content with the promises of "no more after this weekend" or "this is the last time" or "I'm going to taper off", etc. etc. I became instantly disgusted and impatient with my NA. I ripped him a new one about alot of things, and finally told him that the lying and cheating stopped here. Funny thing is, I don't know what lies he was telling me or if he was actively cheating in the moment, but he continually lived a life of lies, his boss, his friends, no one was immune to his lies. He said he was honest with me, and perhaps he was more honest with me than others, but that wasn't enough. I couldn't handle the life of lies and hustling. I don't know if the pregnancy triggered it, but it seems like it was a long time coming and if nothing else, the pregnancy was the push I needed to say what I was feeling and how miserable I was. I know it hurt him, b/c he didn't know I was unhappy... That's my fault for not telling him sooner. It's hard to balance being accepting and non-judgemental with honesty and expressing your needs, at least for me.  I have a six year old as well, and they always seemed to be in some kind of power struggle, I felt like my A was threatened by him or something. I think this is better for all of us. I hope he recovers some day but I can't hit bottom with him, I have too many people counting on me to take that ride.

Listen to your heart Rebecca, you have a wise mind.

Rebecca,

Wow - that may have been a message I needed tonight as well.  I have been destroyed with leaving my ex - the one person who made me feel on top of the world, needed, loved, admired, respected, appreciated, the whole package for the last year of my life - the last 2 months though started to go downhill with no explanation.  I didnt have a clue what was going on - but when I broke my arm the morning after we had a great time at his sister's sweet sixteen party (she is much younger than him) about 2 months ago - things started to change.  I was put on vicodin that day and he kept begging me for the pills - first one and I said no - then 2 and I said no - then he treated me like a piece of crap the next morning when he was frustrated, angry and (now looking back I know) raging for the damn pills and begged for 5.  The next month and a half past this point was full of mystery, anger, weirdness and dishonesty as well as more and more days where he seemed out of it and slurring his speech.  The person I loved was gone and replaced by this miserable human being who started spending more and more time with the scumbags he knew from his past. 

The hardest thing I ever did was walk away - I love this man unconditionally.  But I was tearing myself apart not knowing what in the world was going on.  I miss him so much and my family is SOOOO angry at me because they want better for me.  I cry EVERYDAY.  He was my soulmate - we connected on every level and it all disappeared because of a drug that replaced the pleasure we had with each other with a psuedo pleasure.  But you see - he has a son who he has also been neglecting - this child is his full time responsibility (not my son).  And my heart breaks for him.  But do I really want to have this experience time after time with him?  Do I want to see him hurt his son because he cant afford to pay for his daycare (which he cant right now) or that he cant afford to pay his car insurance or any other huge responsibilities in his life?  Do I want to marry this person - even if he "recovers on his own" and worry if he will one day start again and we cant pay the mortgage because he is buying drugs?  Do I want to put myself in a position to find out he is cheating on me time and time again?  Do I really want a man in my life who at the age of 28 - has never had his OWN apartment, or a bank account, or able to support himself financially - let ALONE himself and his own son? 

These were miserable questions for me to ask myself - he is the love of my life and I thought if I loved him enough or we loved each other enough there was nothing we couldnt do.  But he didnt have the belief in himself that he deserved good things in this world and opted for the cowardly way out of his life by turning to drugs.  Thats not me - I have my own apartment, nice car, bank account, credit cards, good job and soon to be OWN business - do I really want that pulling me down?  Do I really want to worry that being connected to him in some way - could potentially hurt my new business if I am working with children?  My reputation is on the line!!

I struggle minute to minute with all of this.  I hate that I have to walk away from him - everything was so good BETWEEN us - but he chose the drugs over me.  I have to continue reminding myself of this.  Especially at 4am when I wake up panicking and hurting and want to just die. 

I know what you are going through and I am so sorry you are. 

Cyn

Dear Rebecca,this is said with love.I am not sure if you were the one who said that :He isolated me from my friends and family:We have choices.You were the one who isolated your self from your friends and family.Remember alcoholics are sick people who have no control whatsoever over their drinking or druging.There are no guarantees.Give thanks that he is alive.Do your program eg.detaching with love etc..He is trying his best.Leave it to god and accept the results whether you like them or not.Some one mentioned something about her boyf hanging out with scumbag friends.They are just sick people with a desease,and maybe someone is thinking about her boyfriend the way she is thinking about his friends.They are all in the same boat.Trust me if you let go and leave it all to god it works out in a way you never could have imagined,and it is all positive.Love. nat2000.

Wow Cyn,

I really related to your story. I struggle with similar thoughts and feelings every day. I love my ex so much, We went to engaged encounter together, were planning a wedding together for January, He was such a perfect match for me in so many ways. The pills though, they have a stronger hold on him than I do. He eats pills like candy, and has jumped from dentist to dentist, ER to ER, and street corner to street corner in an effort to acquire pills. Like yours, I don't know that he has ever been self-sustaining. He was doing great with me, Holding down a job and paying our bills the past month or so, and when he got layed off, got another job within a week... but he also would lie to his bosses, and take off work. Sprained his ankle one day and was layed up for a few days, wonder how hurt he really was. Anyway, I worry so much about how my connection to him will negatively impact me. I have a son to raise and I have to provide him with the best possible environment that I can, and I am training to be a therapist (go figure), and my A already has a felony record and lots of medical debt due to drug chasing.

I'm often torn, feeling like I shouldn't abandon him. I think about writing him a letter letting him know what is at the center of our breakup, in case he doesn't know already.

I feel like we were supposed to stand beside one another no matter what, but I also feel like I've been down this road before and I didn't see any change coming. 

I have a different view about Alcholism, Drug Addiction etc as a disease than you Nat2000.  I don't think having a disease makes you not responsible for your choices, or unable to make choices.  Like any other disease, it isn't an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.  Al-Anon taught me that I need to focus on myself, that I didn't cause the behaviour and that I can't cure the behaviour - it is up to the A.  This was a hard lesson to learn - I wanted to cure it!  And I was blamed for 'making him angry'; it was all my fault.  Well, I don't accept that anymore.  Al-Anon has shown me different.  If he wants to blame everyone then I need to step back and let him do it.  I have compassion for him because he is still struggling today.  But that doesn't mean I have to accept bad behaviour from him.  It is my choice not to.  Once I gave up trying to change him, he was left with his own choices.  Disease or not, that is his challenge in life.  I had to start focusing on myself - and thank God I did. 

Dear Jenagain,I agree with you.You will notice I said [Detaching with Love]

Detachment means seperating the personality you love from the disease you despise.It means accepting the afflicted one unconditionally...as an individual of worth and dignity,while steadfastly rejecting the destructive influences of alcoholism on yourself and on the family members in your care.

Detachment means caring enough to relinquish your fantasies and fictions to accept the full reality of the alcoholic condition and the reality of yourself as well!

Detachment means forswearing anger,resentment,fear,recrimination,self-justification,false pride,self-condemnation and self pity,so that decisions can be made and actions taken dispassionately,in loving wisdom and calm reserve.

Detachment is a course of contructive independence,not a license for retaliatory self-indulgence.It is an assertion of your human rights,not a usurpation of those of the alcoholic.It is a tool for serenity,not a weapon for retribution.

Detachment means being objective,not indifferent;flexible,but not indecisive;firm,but not hard;wise, but not clever;patient,but not resigned;strong,but not overbearing;resolute but not stubborn;compassionate,but not indulgent.

Detachment is profound love,wrapped in understanding,and bound by courage,helping you to live with serenity and fulfillment in spite of the enviroment,and in constant readiness for the alcoholic's decision for sobriety....................even without it's expectations.

Hope that helps.Love Nat2000.

cyn

 its an unreal situation to b in isn't it! my ex boyf. had gone from being a guy who used to be a dealer and constant binge drinker who didnt have a home and job to being a guy who started college... studied his course and got his own flat. he had really tured his life around and he always told me i was the icing on the cake, that i was the one person who he loved more than he ever loved anyone. we shared so much. he never put me down, never disrespected me in any way. we used to babysit my aunts kids together and he got on soooo well with everyone in my family. they even used to take him on family outings when i was working. i had never felt so loved in all my life. i know i will never experience that level of love again...and that makes me incredibly sad! we connected on sooo many levels..we both wanted the same things. he always left love notes for me, always told me how much i meant to him and how much he loved me and thanked god for sending me to him. text me every day from work asking me did i need anything from town etc... he was in essence "thee perfect boyfriend"

too good to be true a friend told me. i had never felt such pain and despair in all my life cyn...i never knew it was possible to hurt that much. we broke up in the 1st week of Aug this year.. and there are still nights now where i cry myself to sleep wondering how it all went wrong. i kept thinking i wasn't enough to make him happy... but i know now that that is a retarded view on the whole situation. he pills made him happy... the drink made him happy. HE choose them over me. he had choices and he made them. i dont believe it either that he didnt cheat on me.... drunk and high as a kite at house parties = sex with girls or slappers i say.

when i discussed all this with him he swore he was never unfaithful to me... but this is coming from the guy who also told me he hadnt taken 30 sleeping pills in 2 days when he had..and washed it down with vodka and whiskey. his liver is f**ked. the doctor in A & E told him he won't live to see 27 if he continues his lifestyle. he is 24 now. it breaks my heart that he is ruining his own life...but cyn.. i reallised you cant make someone do anything. you can only make choices for you. listening to that little boy at that meeting made me feel so bad! i couldnt force that family situation on a little baby. i wouldnt be able to trust him around any child. ask yourself..could you risk it too? some days i dont feel like getting up either...and i have noticed im gone incredibly bitter.. when i see young happy smiling couples on the street i feel like im dying on the inside again... and i always say "huh..he's prob seeing her best friend behind her back!"

i dont believe in love right now. it hurts too much. i have no trust whatsoever in the opposite sex. and if i close my eyes..i honestly cant see myself with any1 else. i hope your feeling abit better today cyn... talk soo

       rebecca  xxx

Detachment with love is really important nat2000, I agree. 

But I disagree with you about being in "constant readiness" for the alcoholics sobriety.  This is my point about focusing on yourself.  The alcoholic may never be sober, or he may be sober and not working the 12 steps, or any other variation on that.  If the alcoholic becomes sober, thats wonderful.  But he may never do so.  And we have to learn to be happy anyway. 

Living with sobriety brings its own challenges - sobriety isn't going to solve all our problems.  I have to keep focusing on myself and working my own program - which I intend to keep doing!

hi cyn,

it was visitation day at rehab again this week. i went to see him at 2 p.m and we talked until 5 p.m i tried telling him everything that i am feeling, all the emotions are mixed up inside me. how much i love him and hate him all in one go. its like i had our connection cord in my head severed completely that it wont let me think about him in a good light anymore. i was sobbing uncontrollably and started him off. (if you had passed the car,..you would have said those 2 have lost it!) he told me how much he loved me, how much he was sorry, how it wouldnt happen again and how he wanted a life..as opposed to a mere existance. he said soooo much in that 2 hrs,... but i still kept saying that i couldnt live my life like that. i really need to speak to a professional counsellor because i know in my head its not just him i dont trust anymore..its all men. how can i go throu all that again...and get my heart broken   AGAIN!! im not that strong... and i dont think i ever will be. too much s**t has happened that its impossible to turn the clock back. he spent 20 mins talking to my mom too... when i stayed in the car. he told her i was an emotional wreck (DUH!!!) and he was powerless to help me throu anything coz i kept pushing him away! he swore he didnt cheat and swore it was just a slip and i couldnt throw away a year and a half based on 2 mths of madness. he said to me "you can push me away all you want and you can hate me all you want but i will never stop loving you...never... i will do everything i can to help you..you always have me..always... no matter where you are i've got your back"

i cant believe that. i dont believe that. i sooo wanted to go out and find a guy and go off with him just to prove a point that i could move on and not care.... but the truth is.. i have no interest... coz jumping from his bed to anothers is not the answer.. that would mess my head up more. it's been 3 and half mths since we broke up cyn...and i cant say its gotten easier. at the start i couldnt make it throu an hour without breaking down. i couldnt eat so i lost a stone and a half in weight..and believe me when i tell you im thin already so people thought id gone anorexic. i am now eating properly and the only way i can switch my mind off at night is reading a novel..."nothing romantic" mind you! i thought i was the only one who had problems like this..but coming in to this website i find that im not alone. some women left stories on here that would make your heart break... some had to leave their family home and take the kids out of awful abusive situations. im glad that i never suffered anything like that. i always felt safe with my "a" but whos to say down the line if he didnt get enough pills some day or ran out of drink..where would his fists be then? i could be on the receiving end of his anger. life isnt easy by no means cyn... we have to take one day at atime. im always here if you wanna chat...

  rebecca xxx