So they say, what's good for the goose is good the for the gander (did I sp that correctly?)

I have seen my therapist 3 times - & I went to the lawyer's ofc w/ my mother.  They both basically said the same thing...

my therapist (wonderful Sicilian woman) sd, "don't throw pearls among swine".

the lawyer sd, "why tell everything to him, if u know he constantly lies to you?"

I am a compulsive truth teller.  I am sanguine - I am a blusher, turn beat read & u can see how I'm feeling just by looking at me.

So it is a new concept - maybe sort of like what the elder women in the families mean when they tell you, "keep some mystery dear, they don't need to know everything."

Is it like, "fake it 'til u make it?"  I dunno.  I do know what u think about, you eventually manifest physically.  I do know that prayers work wonders...  at least if you pray for God's will & not your own. 

But I nvr wanted secrets & wanted to be loved, accepted completely for who I was, warts & all.  But men seem to hold things back - and what gets me, in my love affairs, if that men ask for the truth & then freak out or hold it against you later. 

Well, at least I am finally learning something! 

Kitty,

Like you I prefer not to lie. I look at is as, what you see is what you get.

Unfortunatley the world doesn't work that way.

I have always had a problem with changing my beliefs and values to suit others.

I guess if we want to survive, we have to.

                           Love Jeannie

In my marraige I've learned that I can wear my heart on my sleeve, as long as I still cover up with another layer. 

I can't stand having shared something from my childhood or otherwise that has affected me, only to have it pulled across my jugular to suit someone elses purpose in a fight. 

I think it's up there in the trust catagory.  I have to learn who to trust with my truths and who not too.  I've been burned too many times.

Bob

Hi Kitty

 

Keep a little mystery, I like that

 

What I have learned, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You  can hold information back. I learned this the hard way early on in my separation  with my husband. Don’t show anyone all your cards, keep some in reserve.

My husband takes what I told him and sooner or later it comes shooting back at me, and I gave him the ammo!

 

I naturally and openly shared with my husband of 14 years, and when, he and I got very very sick, thankfully for both of us, self-preservation kicked in.

 

Stay strong

 

Megan

Kitty,

I could have written your post. I am also a compulsive truth teller.
I feel for you, because it kills part of your spirit to have to "play the game".

In my most recent relationship I learned quickly to not divulge how much money I had. I received a student loan check for around 5G this fall, and this was all I had to live on until the end of January, and I have a son and my mother that I take care of. Anyway, my A went through that in about a month.

Asked for an increase in my loan amount, put it in the bank... Now that he's gone, I have December rent paid and will struggle through the end of January, but at least we have a roof over our head. I learned this lesson the hard way, my former ex, so my ex ex, was a compulsive gambler, that's when my survival instinct to protect my family kicked in and lying about money became really easy. I hate it. But it is amazing how easy it was and how easily that instinct returned when I saw the effect of my NA's addiction on my bank account.

Really, I have had my ex ex use alot of personal stuff against me, so I never really shared with him. We were never that close. I have shared more with my NA and a little of it came back to bite me in a fight once, but it was a drug induced fury, and he has never really been malicious to me emotionally so far. I'd choose to be in an open and honest relationship, I'll never give up on that possibility.

-- Edited by twopoodles at 21:28, 2005-11-25

Honesty=pain, what a shame! But sooo true. I don't want to live in a world without honesty, but now, I find I can't trust anyone, that I really know. I think that is one thing I love about us here on this board and in Alanon. We have the anonymity(sp?) that we can pour our hearts out to each other, because we know we won't see each other on the street, ya know?

I am a reformed 'compulsive truth teller'.  It was actually a big win for me when I learned to lie!  I think the truth is so deeply ingrained in me that it was hard for me to tell the difference between an unimportant big fib and an important lie.  And there is a difference, IMHO.  The first time I remember doing this was to a boyfriend who had no problem if I was going out with friend, but mocked me if I was going to a church meeting.  I remember this wild & giddy feeling when I looked him straight in the eye with a straight face and told him that I was going out with friends.  I laughed all the way to my meeting.  Should I have had to lie? No. Did I have to lie? No. Should I have stayed with someone I had to lie to about something so stupid? No. Was it an important lie? No. Eventually all those things wrong in the relationship caused it to end.  In the meantime, it was a trivial thing.  I was doing nothing wrong.  Before I would have told the truth no matter what because truth was more important to me than peace.  In that moment, I learned that some things simply don't matter that much.  I've had a big inner grin ever since when I tell a big unimportant whopper.  It's very freeing for a former compulsive truth teller, to tell the truth.