The alcoholic/addict in my life didn't come home last night. He was too drunk to hit the train.
The old me would have hopped in the car at 11:30 at night and gone across the city to get him, fuming and resentful all the way. I would have had a fight with a drunk on the phone, trying to MAKE him feel guilt that he was not coming home, and hang up without saying goodbye. I would have planned two days of making him pay, and been on the pity pot cause he is so dam inconsiderate...
The NEW me thanked him for calling to let me know he wouldn't be home, and immediately hung up. No fight, no guilt trip, I even said goodbye. I planned in my head how I was going to tackle the morning: lunches, getting kids dressed, walking the dog, my own care... Then I went to bed, hogging the whole bed, and so grateful that he didn't come home. I hate sleeping with him when he is drunk, the smell, the expectation for intercourse, (followed by the poor me attitude when I reject him) the snoring and apnea, and the crap that happens in the morning with the kids the day after.
I did have a few moments when I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Wondering if my ations were actualy enabling him to be drinking. But prayed for clarity. By doing so, I came to beleive that it wasn't my place to teach him a lesson, and I need to stay focused. I can not let his disease be the manager of my life, it is already running his. I need to back out so that God can do his work. If I start to think that I know the right thing to do, God has no room to perform HIS miracles.
This morning I called him to remind him of parent teacher interviews, and did not bring up last night.
The alcoholic will have his own torture. I don't need to add to that. My simple act of detachment will show more love than fighting. By detaching I was able to sleep well, and focus on the morning routine. I am able to think at work and function. I am cheery, well dressed, and even have lipstick on! I am not whining to my co-workers about how hard-done-by I am, or sympathy seeking.
My husband will be guilt ridden for a long time, cause I am not going to feed into the disease. I am not going to give him a outlet for the guilt. If I am to start a fight, his guilt can then be shifted to me, in his head he will attribute the nasty feeling to a reaction to my anger. By staying quiet, and minding my own business, he will have to deal with his own feelings.
That, my friends, is my personal growth, and I shall pat my own back. Yay me!
Aron
-- Edited by captcodee at 13:10, 2005-11-24
-- Edited by captcodee at 15:16, 2005-11-24
david62 said
Nov 24, 2005
((((Aron)))))
Please allow me to pat your back as well!!!! Super job of working the program! Thanks so much for sharing..... just what I needed today to remember to keep the focus on the only thing I have control over..... me!
Have a great day!
Yours in Recovery,
David
chris52 said
Nov 24, 2005
Brilliant aron,
I wish I had found this programme in time to do what you managed to do last night. I never found it in me to respond the magnificent way you did. A big pat on the back from me too.
I am praying that the tools of this programme will help me to find the personal growth shown by your post.
bobump said
Nov 24, 2005
Wow, what what a great job handling the situation. I can only hope that my reading your example I can use it as a guide to my own behavior.
The alcoholic/addict in my life didn't come home last night. He was too drunk to hit the train.
The old me would have hopped in the car at 11:30 at night and gone across the city to get him, fuming and resentful all the way. I would have had a fight with a drunk on the phone, trying to MAKE him feel guilt that he was not coming home, and hang up without saying goodbye. I would have planned two days of making him pay, and been on the pity pot cause he is so dam inconsiderate...
The NEW me thanked him for calling to let me know he wouldn't be home, and immediately hung up. No fight, no guilt trip, I even said goodbye. I planned in my head how I was going to tackle the morning: lunches, getting kids dressed, walking the dog, my own care... Then I went to bed, hogging the whole bed, and so grateful that he didn't come home. I hate sleeping with him when he is drunk, the smell, the expectation for intercourse, (followed by the poor me attitude when I reject him
) the snoring and apnea, and the crap that happens in the morning with the kids the day after.
I did have a few moments when I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Wondering if my ations were actualy enabling him to be drinking. But prayed for clarity. By doing so, I came to beleive that it wasn't my place to teach him a lesson, and I need to stay focused. I can not let his disease be the manager of my life, it is already running his. I need to back out so that God can do his work. If I start to think that I know the right thing to do, God has no room to perform HIS miracles.
This morning I called him to remind him of parent teacher interviews, and did not bring up last night.
The alcoholic will have his own torture. I don't need to add to that. My simple act of detachment will show more love than fighting. By detaching I was able to sleep well, and focus on the morning routine. I am able to think at work and function. I am cheery, well dressed, and even have lipstick on! I am not whining to my co-workers about how hard-done-by I am, or sympathy seeking.
My husband will be guilt ridden for a long time, cause I am not going to feed into the disease. I am not going to give him a outlet for the guilt. If I am to start a fight, his guilt can then be shifted to me, in his head he will attribute the nasty feeling to a reaction to my anger. By staying quiet, and minding my own business, he will have to deal with his own feelings.
That, my friends, is my personal growth, and I shall pat my own back. Yay me!
-- Edited by captcodee at 13:10, 2005-11-24
-- Edited by captcodee at 15:16, 2005-11-24
((((Aron)))))
Please allow me to pat your back as well!!!! Super job of working the program! Thanks so much for sharing..... just what I needed today to remember to keep the focus on the only thing I have control over..... me!
Have a great day!
Yours in Recovery,
David
I wish I had found this programme in time to do what you managed to do last night. I never found it in me to respond the magnificent way you did. A big pat on the back from me too.
I am praying that the tools of this programme will help me to find the personal growth shown by your post.
Wow, what what a great job handling the situation. I can only hope that my reading your example I can use it as a guide to my own behavior.
Bob