I grew up in an alcoholic home. We had a lot of 12-step/self-help literature around and I read a lot with an eye towards how we could solve our family problems. Quite frequently, I would come up with what I considered a *brilliant* solution to a problem and then be heartbroken when noone else would come on board. In my head it always seemed like the PERFECT solution and I could never understand why noone else agreed or was willing to try the solution.
At times, I see the same pattern with my partner now. There is one fight in particular that we have had literally hundreds of times in which I try to convince my partner that I'm willing to make X changes if they are willing to make Y changes. Specifically, I am willing to give you lots and lots of alone time if you agree to spend meaningful time with me on a regular basis. Don't all the books say compromise/negotiation is key to any relationship. LOL. Along with these comes the following internal monologue from me: Why should I be the only one to change? What if I change to give my partner what my partner longs for and then I don't get what I'm longing for?
I'm realizing that this fight is part of my insanity, because each time I make the suggestion of this exchange/compromise, I think I have come up with a BRILLIANT solution to our problem. But guess what, it never works!!! What happens instead is that a big, circular fight ensues where nothing gets resolved and I feel all yucky afterwards. And the more I work on my recovery, the more aware I am of how yucky this merry-go-round fight feels.
I tend to get into this go-no-where fight especially when I'm stressed or lonely or anxious. I can see, too, that it's a way of trying to exert control over something I have no control over. I may warn myself against opening up the fight again, but convince myself that even though the 389th time didn't work, cetainly the 390th will!
If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, then I have reached it. How do I get myself off this merry-go-round? What might be some babysteps that I could take? How can I obtain sobriety from this fight? Any suggestions or ES&H will be GREATLY appreciated!!!
BlueCloud
abbyal said
Nov 24, 2005
Hi Blue , u don't say if you are attending meetings for yourself . I hope u give us a try this room and board are great but u will get all the support u need in a real meeting. You will also make new friends once settled in this program lonliness is a choice , u never have to go thru anything alone again.
well u got the insanity part right anyway hehe. keep recovery simple do the opposite to what u have always done in any given situation and it has to work out diff. It only takes one person to change. The only person u can change is yourself. And lower your expectations of others and you will feel much better. Accept people just as they are ( u might just as well we can't change them anyway.) save yourself a headace or twenty . bye for now Louise
captcodee said
Nov 24, 2005
My darling friend. Hugs to you, and here is my shoulder :)
In my experience, when I made a suggestion like "if you do X thing, I can do Y thing", i was making expectations, and bargaining. If I gave him space, I want quality time once a week, that is not truly giving him space. Space is the freedom to do what he chooses when he chooses. If I make a rule, then that is taking away the freedom, know what I am saying?
My new alanon solution was to use "I Feel ___________when__________and I need__________"
I would say "hubby, I feel loved, appreciated, respected and excited when I know we are going to be spending alone time just you and I, and I need to know that I can expect that more regularly" Would you know, it works!! By saying "more regularly", I give him the freedom to do it when HE wants, cause I am ALWAYS willing. Sometimes the disease has control of him, and the times I want him to be focused on me he is unable. This way, I also get him totally and comptletly, and have no expectations the every saturday we will have lunch or something like. that.
I was burned badly in the beginning of my program. I had the expectation that if I followed my program, and it worked for me, if i could just find the right way to show him, then he would get it too. I am like you, tried 389 times to get him to come to my way of thinking.
I have been in the program for 8 years now, and my hubby is still active, but I am happier than i have been in my whole life. It gets better, just keep coming back.
I hope you gained something out of my experience, strength and hope. This is what works for me. :)
Aron
nmike said
Nov 24, 2005
Hi BlueCloud,
I think that we are codependents and we try to fix things and solve problems. This doesn't seem to work with my A. I have done exactly what you did and the results were the same. He either didn't go for it and said I can't change or he agreed to it and couldn't hold up his end of the bargain. I don't think that they are able to compromise or negoitate very much. It is black or white thinking. What seems to work for us, really me, is to just pick something that I want and throw it out there. This seems to be more non-threatening. So I say something like, "I want to talk about our relationship at 8:00 pm. Are you willing to talk to me". And he might go for this. I think that the A's always need to be in control and for us as the copendents we always need to be in control. Therefore, we create that cycle. Pia Mellody says to work on yourself and the core symptoms of codependency.
Roomies,
I grew up in an alcoholic home. We had a lot of 12-step/self-help literature around and I read a lot with an eye towards how we could solve our family problems. Quite frequently, I would come up with what I considered a *brilliant* solution to a problem and then be heartbroken when noone else would come on board. In my head it always seemed like the PERFECT solution and I could never understand why noone else agreed or was willing to try the solution.
At times, I see the same pattern with my partner now. There is one fight in particular that we have had literally hundreds of times in which I try to convince my partner that I'm willing to make X changes if they are willing to make Y changes. Specifically, I am willing to give you lots and lots of alone time if you agree to spend meaningful time with me on a regular basis. Don't all the books say compromise/negotiation is key to any relationship. LOL. Along with these comes the following internal monologue from me: Why should I be the only one to change? What if I change to give my partner what my partner longs for and then I don't get what I'm longing for?
I'm realizing that this fight is part of my insanity, because each time I make the suggestion of this exchange/compromise, I think I have come up with a BRILLIANT solution to our problem. But guess what, it never works!!! What happens instead is that a big, circular fight ensues where nothing gets resolved and I feel all yucky afterwards. And the more I work on my recovery, the more aware I am of how yucky this merry-go-round fight feels.
I tend to get into this go-no-where fight especially when I'm stressed or lonely or anxious. I can see, too, that it's a way of trying to exert control over something I have no control over. I may warn myself against opening up the fight again, but convince myself that even though the 389th time didn't work, cetainly the 390th will!
If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, then I have reached it. How do I get myself off this merry-go-round? What might be some babysteps that I could take? How can I obtain sobriety from this fight? Any suggestions or ES&H will be GREATLY appreciated!!!
BlueCloud
Hi Blue , u don't say if you are attending meetings for yourself . I hope u give us a try this room and board are great but u will get all the support u need in a real meeting. You will also make new friends once settled in this program lonliness is a choice , u never have to go thru anything alone again.
well u got the insanity part right anyway hehe. keep recovery simple do the opposite to what u have always done in any given situation and it has to work out diff. It only takes one person to change. The only person u can change is yourself. And lower your expectations of others and you will feel much better. Accept people just as they are ( u might just as well we can't change them anyway.) save yourself a headace or twenty . bye for now Louise
My darling friend. Hugs to you, and here is my shoulder :)
In my experience, when I made a suggestion like "if you do X thing, I can do Y thing", i was making expectations, and bargaining. If I gave him space, I want quality time once a week, that is not truly giving him space. Space is the freedom to do what he chooses when he chooses. If I make a rule, then that is taking away the freedom, know what I am saying?
My new alanon solution was to use "I Feel ___________when__________and I need__________"
I would say "hubby, I feel loved, appreciated, respected and excited when I know we are going to be spending alone time just you and I, and I need to know that I can expect that more regularly" Would you know, it works!! By saying "more regularly", I give him the freedom to do it when HE wants, cause I am ALWAYS willing. Sometimes the disease has control of him, and the times I want him to be focused on me he is unable. This way, I also get him totally and comptletly, and have no expectations the every saturday we will have lunch or something like. that.
I was burned badly in the beginning of my program. I had the expectation that if I followed my program, and it worked for me, if i could just find the right way to show him, then he would get it too. I am like you, tried 389 times to get him to come to my way of thinking.
I have been in the program for 8 years now, and my hubby is still active, but I am happier than i have been in my whole life. It gets better, just keep coming back.
I hope you gained something out of my experience, strength and hope. This is what works for me. :)
Hi BlueCloud,
I think that we are codependents and we try to fix things and solve problems. This doesn't seem to work with my A. I have done exactly what you did and the results were the same. He either didn't go for it and said I can't change or he agreed to it and couldn't hold up his end of the bargain. I don't think that they are able to compromise or negoitate very much. It is black or white thinking. What seems to work for us, really me, is to just pick something that I want and throw it out there. This seems to be more non-threatening. So I say something like, "I want to talk about our relationship at 8:00 pm. Are you willing to talk to me". And he might go for this. I think that the A's always need to be in control and for us as the copendents we always need to be in control. Therefore, we create that cycle. Pia Mellody says to work on yourself and the core symptoms of codependency.
Hang in there. Focus on yourself. In support,
Nancy