Hi all and happy Thanksgiving eve- Ok, My A has not been using for a few weeks now. Sees an addictions councellor and another councellor. No meetings etc. He is not convinced that 12 step is the way. Whatever--its his gig. Some days are good, some not so great--he's a little grouchy and bored and and frustrated --BUT THATS LIFE! sober or using! So here's my question. I was planning to take my kids to visit friends in Chicago on Fri and saturday. I thought my A was working--but now he isn't. He seemed disappointed that we were going away (kind of a lost puppy) so I invited him to come along. Honestly, I'd rather hang with my girlfriend without him around but he does knows her well, too. I feel that I would not be supportive of his efforts of nonuse if I tell him I'd rather he'd stay home. I realize that I can't Cause, Control or Cure--but what is SUPPORT? Maybe the fact that I am even asking myself, and you all, the question is healthier behavior. now go make some pies! Jeanne

Jeanne, I'm just going to throw this out there. Did you invite him because you felt sorry for him, or because somewhere in the back of your mind you might be able to keep an eye on him? I'm guilty of the latter, trust me. It's just a thought. To me being supportive means you offer encouragement and understanding. But it also means being honest with each other. You don't have to tell him that you'd rather be without him that day. You might ask him if he wouldn't be more comfortable at home or something like that. I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself, (I probably am) but I would not want to hurt his feelings. Some days I don't know the answer either. I'm sure there is someone who can answer it better than I. But hey I try. In any case, enjoy Chicago. I love that city! The Field Museum, The Shedd Aquarium, Soldier's Field (Sweetness is my hero), the list goes on. It's a special place during the holidays. Can't wait to go back. Pay homage for me at Crate & Barrell, and Marshall Fields for me please. Safe travels. Happy Thanksgiving to you too. Live strong, Karilynn

or is it just having good manners and kindness to someone you love?

I've had so many of those trips I'd rather go alone, and usually do. Sometimes my a comes along, and really it's happened he's been the highlight of our trip. Just my experience -- and you can believe I won't always have him along too.

take care   ----Jill

or is it just having good manners and kindness to someone you love? Agreed. Try to look at your own motives as straight as you can - if there is a little 'keep an eye on" or manipulating going on, if you are aware of it, you can guard against it. And, yes, sometimes doing something that would not be our first choice, simply because it makes someone we care about feel good, is OK. The thing to guard against is always ignoring our own feelings, and putting those of others ahead of our own, all the time.

I often ask myself - What would I do in the same situation with non-A friend or relative?

Supportive to me means - Kind, caring, compassionate and encouraging.

 

To me supportive means letting someone know you recognize their efforts and are proud of them.  It doesn't mean you have to allow them to rob you of your serenity.  Doing anything that makes you uncomfortable just because you don't want to upset another person is part of our disease.  You can tell when it's the disease in action because of the uncomfortableness you feel. 

I've had the same situations happen to me numerous times.  I'd want to go somewhere or do something yet I felt bad for my A because he wanted me to spend time with him.  It used to be that I'd cancel or change my plans just to please him.  Then I'd feel resentful because I couldn't do what it was *I* wanted.  Well, well you look at the big picture, who's fault was it that I made that choice?  It wasn't his, it was mine.  I knew what I wanted to do, he said what he'd rather me do.......and instead of carrying through with my plans I'd choose to do what he wanted rather than upset him.  Then when the resentment would kick in I'd think about all the nights I sat home alone worrying about him while he was out getting high. 

So based on all my past experiences, I'd suggest you do what makes YOU feel comfortable.  His feelings about it are exactly that, *his* feelings and for him to deal with.  Not you.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving!