I don't want my husband to be with us on Thanksgiving if he is high.  I told him this and he said "You can't tell me not to go to my own mom's house".  And I told him then I did not want to go with him.  I am close with his mom and uncle who lives there too.  They would be devastated if I did not show up.  I told him to just wait until after the meal.  I feel like this is very important to me becuz I don't want to be around him at all when he is high.

Am I making too much of this?  Am I trying to control him?  I just want to enjoy Thanksgiving this year without all the underlying tension and awkwardness.

Anybody know what a good boundry would be?  I am so new at standing up for myself, it's all very confusing and frustrating.

Thanks guys

Julie

    Would it hurt his Mom's feelings if you didn't come to dinner? I know you don't want him spoiling the day with his being high but does his Mom mind his being high in her house? If she does,maybe he won't be allowed to stay for dinner. If she doesn't mind him being there like that then I wouldn't worry about staying away myself. I'd rather stay home doing something I like better than being with someone I can't stand being around....jaja

I struggle with this, too. I think the serenity prayer helps me here. For me, a boundary is something I can change (me), and manipulating is trying to change the behavior of someone I cannot change. So not to go if he is high is a boundary, and he can go or not. Yes, the collateral dammage is the issue. Talk to his mom if you're having a conflict. I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving.   take care ---  Jill

Yeah, boundaries about OTHER people's behaviour have a way of coming back and biting you in the ass. You can only control what YOU do. If you do have a good relationship with his mom, maybe you can talk about this a bit with her, see what she can offer. Holidays for us were always the worst - I still get sick to my stomach as holidays approach. It seemed to bring out the worst in him, he felt a pressure to behave well and therefore behaved extra badly. All I can offer to you is - take the pressure off yourself. It is not up to you to make the day go well. If the big family get together is more of a fantasy than a reality, then maybe find some joy in the reality - let the kids have breakfast with grandma, and then you and the little ones do takeout pizza and a movie later, or whatever. From what I hear in the media, even non A families find the whole holiday thing too much pressure, too hard to live up to expectations. As far as possible, give yourself a break.

I understand, I don't want my husband going with me to my parents!! Only reason I am letting him is my Dad needs his mechanical help.  My parents know the truth know so I am sure it will be tense.

josey

Julie, The trouble with setting this boundary, is that it's his Mom's house. If it were your Mom, then it might be easier. What about talking to her, and see if you can do it another day, or come later when he isn't going to be there. You two are close, so you might be able to come to an agreement. It's up to his Mom to set this boundary if she so chooses. Good luck! Live strong, Karilynn

I don't see the problem with you not wanting Thanksgiving w/ someone high.  My boundry would be that I wouldn't go and I'd talk w/ the mom.  Boundries are very personal though and you really need to see what works for you.  If you end up not going you can explain to his Mom that while you'd love to attend and your sorry you might not be attending, you just can't stand to spend a holiday with someone high.

One year I told my a that there would be no alcohol in the house on Thanksgiving.  Either she went or me and the kids went.  It was 9 or 10 PM the evening before.  I told her, I thought it was best that she go.  That we didn't do anything wrong and it wouldn't be fair for us to leave and that the kids would be very upset having to pack up in the car.  She finally left. 

I took the kids to church that day to try to set a thankful serene tone for the day.  I cooked the dinner solo.  It was the first slap in the face of reality and consequences for my A and I couldn't have done it w/o the 1 month of alanon under my belt at the time. 

Unfortunately we are back to an active stage.  My sister in law has offered an alcohol free safe haven for the holiday and I am sooooooooo thankful.  I have some trepidation about Christmas and New Years but they are so far past today, it's not worth worrying about. 

May you have a Serene day no matter who your with.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Bob

(((Julie))))

I don't see it as a problem.  You are not telling him he cannot get high, just that you will not be around him if he is. Your boundary is not subjecting yourself to being around him if he uses.

You said you have a good relationship with him Mom. If this is the case, she will understand, and maybe you can visit the next day.

Make sure you have alternate plans for your dinner. As long as you don't mind missing out do what you need to do for your well being.

                                          Love Jeannie