so in checking last night (again I shouldn't have) and found another girl..........."Bunny".  She was nice enough to enlighten me to their relationship, and was more than graphic.  She continued to call me back all night and harrass  me with dirty details left on the message machine.  I can't tell you how I wanted for him to die at that moment. Things only seem to get worse. I confronted him (why, you ask?) and of course it was my fault. I didn't stand for it. I wrote a long letter along with the backup phone records and handed then to him to prove all his lies. He continued to lie and then finally conceded about the girl. I was so sick. I couldn't function all day.....I feel as if the whole world has collapsed under me. My friends say I need to let go and move on. I know I do......how could one person continually be so humiliated and continue to beleive that there is a glimmer of hope?  Because she is sick. Because she is holding out for someone who doesn't love her anymore. It's pathetic.

Hi Kim ((((((Kim))))))) I relate. Not to the cheating but to the hanging onto someone who has no respect for me. I do it over and over. Less so with the support of my program but I am human and I slip. In Yosemite I was graced to hear an alanon speaker for the first time in my life. This woman was married to a man that kept cheating on her. He was also an alcoholic. As you can imagine her life was very very tough. She eventually was so discouraged that SHE had an affair. Well her husband found out. He made her strip to naked in their kitchen at gunpoint. Then he said he would kill her and she ran out the front door and down the block FAST. She outran him and hid in a neighbors flowerbed for the night. She snuck back home 6 hours later, got her clothes and left. She filed for divorce the next day. In the mediation with the lawyers and her husband the husband asked the lawyers to let him talk to her alone. They, knowing the shotgun story allowed it. The alcoholic husband gave her an expensive piece of jewelry and apologized. SHE WENT BACK! For a full year – before she left for good. And then, a few years later she married another alcoholic. This all happened before alanon. Unless WE CHANGE through the alanon program we are doomed. In support Megan

Sorry to hear about all of this crap Kim....  The lady friend's actions just serve to tell me that she is sick as well - many alcoholics go find someone who is as emotionally sick as themselves - someone they can drink with, etc....

Yep, we ARE sick, when we feel we have to "take phone logs to prove something to him", when YOU knew the truth, and HE knew the truth.....  It's a crazy and vicious cycle - time to get back onto your program of recovery, and putting Kim back to the #1 on your importance list.

Take care

Tom

  I think that what you've discovered is probably one of the hardest things anyone would have to deal with. You are going through a whirlwind of emotion. Anger, frustration,grief,panic and feeling like a fool, used, pacing the floor, sleeplessness. All that and more, I'm sure. What you have discovered about your A is his alcoholism at work. It's something that some of them do. He must have thought trash would make him feel like a real man since he doesn't feel like one at all. And if he's still in the hospital, he probably feels worse than crap. Even alcoholics have God-given consciences that make them feel guilt about what they do even if they don't act like it. If he didn't think he was doing anything wrong he wouldn't have hidden it. I believe he needs to feel the pain and be held accountable. You may want to lash out at him, scream at the top of your lungs at him, but you'll get nowhere. It will just feed him, just add more fuel to his fire. I am finding that the more you step away from an A and all his stuff, it's better for both of you. You don't have to answer his calls, or at least not say anymore than absolutely necessary, you don't have to see him. He probably likes hearing you scream about the trash. Leave him alone.You deserve better company right now and maybe one day he will be if you chose to be in it....jaja

Kim,

What you're going through is so hard. Last March I awoke one day to find that my A, my boyfriend whom I had been devoted to and loved with every ounce of my being, had moved in literally overnight with another woman. He had lost his job, was in the process of losing his home, all due to his alcoholism. I was concerned about him living with me because of his alcoholism and my children, it was not really an option and he knew it. He told me he had made arrangements to stay with a "friend" temporarily and acted as though it was a guy. The next thing I knew he was living with some woman. I later found that he had been seeing her for a long time (she's utterly filthy and totally supporting him now which allows him to continue spending all his time in bars), and had other women on the side as well. I was so shocked as this was not the man I thought I knew. This was the man who introduced me to everyone as "the one", or "my wife"? This was the man who would rather die than lose me? This was what my "soulmate" did to me? He continued to call me even after he moved in with this woman. At first I didn't know about the woman--who she was to him, then one time when I returned his call at that number she answered. When I asked to speak to my "boyfriend" all hell broke lose and the conversation ended with him in the background telling her that I was crazy and he had no idea who I was and that I was nothing to him. This was how I found out. Words cannot describe how I felt in that moment, listening him destroy and deny something that had been so precious to me. We had had such a close relationship, connection, such love. I was completely shocked and bewildered! To say I wanted to die would be an understatement. Afterward, I investigated phone records, acquaintances etc. I talked to a lot of people and realized just how sick he was. It sounds crazy, but I know he loved me but  he was/is just so sick with alcoholism that he is not capable of giving anything to anybody. He still calls me to this day. I don't call back, I don't answer and he doesn't leave messages. I think he just wants me to see his number and remember he's out there. It's very sad. I know he's not happy. But I can't let him degrade me anymore. I still miss him and love him. I wish I didn't. Sometimes, even after all these months, the pain is still unbearable. But I want to get better and move on which is why I am here.

My heart hurts reading your post. It helped me to remember that my A was sick. I had to picture him with "Sick" on his forehead. It helped me to remember that my A has a disease that he cannot control. This disease seeks whatever company or surroundings that enable it to exist. This disease causes the person to act in ways that are abnormal and in ways that we and even they, once sober, despise. 

It can help to focus on you. It can help if you can "Let Go" and "Let God". It helps to seek the path that our HP has for us and let go of worrying what path the A is on. They are most certainly on the path to destruction but we do not have to be on it with them. You are important. Your life is important.

You WILL be okay!

Hugs!

Kim, I am so sorry. Going through that must be absolute hell. I dont even know what my a was doing and with who - but I am trying to believe the worst so that I can move on. I am glad I didnt find out anymore - because it may have literally killed me. Cause right now I can hardly function with the information I DO know. My thoughts are with you!!! Cyn

Dearest Kim,

I know the cheating and the unknown strange women calling must be difficult. (Been there, done that). For me the cheating was and is just one more way of lying. Another route for the "A" to decieve reality and what is really going on, and continue his self defeating ways. The cheating is another substitute for drugging or drinking.

My "A" was sleeping around with his dealer. Supposedly she was showing him how to get high. Yeah right in a motel room on multiple occaisions? 

On a more realistic note I got myself to the doctor pronto to be checked for HIV and any other STD's that he could have contracted. Frankly I won't have unprotected sex with him until I know that the cheating is over. Take care of you it could cost you your life or your health. 

Love & God Bless

lildee