Replying to someone else got me thinking about something I am having a problem with.
My A started her new job yesterday. Seemed to enjoy it. Good for her if she is enjoying it.
She is getting up at 6:30 for an 8:00 am job. She gets herself ready and nothing gets in her way. This morning my kids would not get up. This is usual. I'm trying everything. The therapists are telling me, I can't yell and scream. I'm supposed to just wake them up once or twice. Well, I have one daughter who has missed 9 days of school because she won't get out of bed. I have had days where they were up until 5:30 and then I can't get them up at 6. My 13 yo yesterday slept until 5:30 PM !
So today, I'm having my usual problems, and my A who won't get up to help get them ready for school is up getting ready for work. After multiple attempts I ask her, "can you go in once and see if you have any better luck?" 15 minutes later I asked her "you couldn't get try once to get them up?" I could hear the anger and resentment building. The kids miss the bus, and then my wife asks me if I'm driving her to work (it's only 5-10 min away) so I have the car to drive the girls to school.
Thank you HP and program. I was able to put my anger and resentment aside. I calmly said, I don't understand, I'm constantly expected to be late and take off time from my job for anything and what do I get? Nothing. No cooperation. You know what, I was wrong for expecting anything in return. Her reply was, it's only my 2nd day of work. I told her I understood that and wasn't asking her to be late. That it was time that I take responsibility for myself and my job. She can't expect me to any longer leave the house at 8 AM to take the girls to school when I'm also supposed to be working at 8 AM.
I told her I talked to the HS and they said that if I go to family court and explain my home situation especially considering I'm doing everything I can do, that they will put the onus on the kids. They will get cops to wake them up if necessary and if they don't go to school, they'll deal the the potential of going to JuVee.
My wife calmly accepted my explanation and drove the girls to school before she went to work.
I really got to work this thing called program. It does work. LOL.
Thanks for listening.
Bob
zoomie said
Nov 22, 2005
what is it with teenagers and school? I have a 15 year old that is refusing to go to school. You did the right thing by getting the school involved and getting the heat taken off you. I am the one responcible getting my kids of to school too, A is gone before they even wake up. My little ones fuss,but I can get them out the door, it's the older one that is trouble and I try not to yell,but at times you just can't help it. I think teenagers zone out everything until they make you blow up,then it gives them something to complain about without looking what they are doing. If you are not yelling ,then you are a Saint that's for sure. Shrinks do not live in the real world at times. I have a shrink and she is forreal. She told me get on my girl when she is not going to school. It would be nice if we lived in a world where we don't yell,but I have yet to meet any parent even a normy that does not yell.
kissers said
Nov 22, 2005
They face a lot of peer pressure and if they live in a dysfunctional household they do NOT develop a strong sense of self, so they will fall prey to the peer pressure. They did not grow up with healthy boundaries. If they do not feel acceptance, love, and shown healthy boundaries in a family, they will not be able to function in a healthy way. Also, their bodies are going through a lot of hormonal changes, so that is why they sleep a lot more than adults. This is a very tough time for them. We, the parents, going through the disease of alcoholism are so focused on the alcoholic and the effects can not be healthy parents. Have compassion for them. They don't understand what is going on in the household and they have no one to talk to. They are as confused as all of us and are lost.
zoomie said
Nov 22, 2005
Not to argue,but teenagers can be very selfish and self centered. After I read this man's post, I see that his teenagers are taking advantage of the situation. Give teenagers compassion,but don't let them take the inch and turn it into miles. This man's kids are up all night probibly messing around playing vidio games or on the computer like my daughter does. we can only go so far as to blame the environment.
Growing up I was beating, molested, raped and you friggen name it. Sure I drank,but I also have more compassion in my little finger than most people do. I never took anything from anyone,I am the first one that the teenagers turn to when they have a problem. I also work in a teen home for drug users and acoholics. These kids have robed, lied, hurt and you name it to other people. We have compassion for these kids,but also don't let these master manipulaters get away with much. There is a differance of having compassion and being played a fool. I cannot stand good doer that have no clue (not saying you are) that can sit back and say O' it's the parents fault these kids do no wrong. You know teenagers laugh at go doers trust me this I know. My daughter refused to go to school yesterday. I yelled and tryed to hussle her out of bed. No going,so I left to make my appoinment, bought her some makeup and a soda,came home and she was up getting ready for a boyfriend to come over so she could make out. So now I let her suffer her consiquences which are getting PINS on her and getting a probation office. Then it's off to a group home if she does not straiten out. Teens are too big to be lifted out of bed and froced to get dressed,so what do you do? Let them sleep all day because they where up all night playing vidio games?
-- Edited by zoomie at 09:41, 2005-11-22
bobump said
Nov 22, 2005
I see both points. Kisser does make an excellent point in the lack of health boundries, at least in my house.
I tried to set bedtimes, reasonable ones, even later than many parents. Then they run to my A. There is something to be said when I shut the internet off at 1:30 AM and my daughter pleads w/ me to say goodbye to her friend. When I refuse to turn it on she runs into the bedroom and wakes up my A, tells her she still has homework and my a YELLS at me to turn it back on. Last year I had them almost on a schedule. School break comes up and the a fights me tooth and nail on keeping the schedule. I say how about we allow them a little later. Nope, it's their vacation they should be able to do what they want. Guess what, attendance when right down the tubes.
Every person we go to wants to use the positive approach. To me the positive approach should be used for extra's. There are no consequences to their actions. For me, you don't make the bus, you lose the computer. Period. My A aregues with me that it should be them making it to school. Well my a is not the one getting up all three kids and being late for work when they don't make the bus. My a is not the one worrying that I've put 600 miles on my car this year driving them to school on days they've missed the bus.
That is one of the reason's I've thrown my hands up in a way. You don't like me enforcing consequences? Welcome to the real world. The court will not give them this feel good speech. They will impose consequences.
My boundry that I set recently was, you curse and me and physically abuse me when I try to wake you up I'm done for the day. Nobody should be treated like that and certainly not every morning.
Bob
Jeannie said
Nov 22, 2005
Hi,
One of the reasons I asked my husband to leave was dicipline. He wanted everything totally quiet when it was what he wanted, but otherwise, there should be no rules and no consequenses.
He began drinking at 15, he had no responsibilites and no rules. He was fed in bed, he got whatever money he wanted. His paycheck was for him and if he wanted more, his parents gave it to him. He opened a checking account when he was 18, with Mommy's name on it as well. He never deposited a dime in it, but wrote whateever checks he wanted. He got a charge card and did the same. He had to give his paretns $50 a week, and they made sure his account was oka dn his charge was paid, no matter what he spent.
When we got married it was a nightmare. This man felt all bills should be paid with $50 a week and he could keep all else and then some. He grew up thinking he could do as he pleased with no consequenses. With 5DUI,'s he never spent a moment in jail, and they paid all his fines and drove for him when he had no license. They warmed the car before he got in, and in the evening they where there to pick him up at least a half hour before he was ready to leave in case he got off early. They called him out sick and obtained Dr's notes for him when he took off. They shut his alarm off, if htey felt it would be better for him to sleep becasue he was in bad shape the night before.
Do I blame his parents because he is an alcoholic, no. Do I blame them because he is inconsiderate, selfish and irresponsible, your damn right I do. They failed as parents. They raised him without responsibility and without natural consequenses. They dropped the ball. He is living proof of it. He is now an adult and they are still pushing these beliefs. You should have no respnsibility everyone should take care of you etc. It is up to him now to push that aside and grow up. Wetehr it will happen remains to be seen.
I refuse to have my children grow up like him. They have rules, they have chores. They have to chip in. I am willing to help them, but they must make the effort. My husband is as incosistant as the wind. I try to be consistant. We can have fun, but we have to take care of the important things first. he biggest hurdle I face is when they say ok, then what are his responsibilities, when they look at my husband. I then tell them, he is not them, and it is not acceptable fr him either, that is why he is not living here right now.
I am far from perfect, but I will not allow his parents mistakes to ruin my children. I am not rich and can't provide them with everything, but a moral backround a good work ethic, strong values, responsibilty, a sense of self and a lot of love is a gift I can give them.
It does sstart with us as parents.
Love Jeannie
marmare said
Nov 22, 2005
Years ago, when my boys were still in elementary school, I had a problem getting them up, so I finally decided that once they did rise (I warned them ahead of time) and readied themselves, I had them walk to school, I followed in my van....it was a good 2 mile walk...it only took one time...they made sure they caught the bus after that. I had a counselor tell me one time with my #2 boy, who I was constantly sticking up for, rescuing, etc....."maybe he needs to suffer the natural consequences of his actions" ......the hardest part was watching those two boys, I think they were 11 and 12 give me the look...like "what a horrible mother you are" ....LOL years later, they are grown, they laugh about it....
Hugs Mary
kissers said
Nov 22, 2005
I grew up with an alcoholic father. Things came to their worst point when I was a teenager. I saw my father try to kill my mother. I started acting up in school and not caring about my life. I felt alone in life. I didn't think my parents gave a crap about me. They were more concerned with their own lives and I got left in the cold. One parent did not use any disipline and the other was so rigid and controlling. I couldn't tell my friends because I didn't even understand anything that was going on. I didn't know how to deal with feelings at all. School called my father in and he denied anything was wrong at home. The teachers at school were very strict because that was their job. I had this horrible feeling that I was somehow at fault for what was going on at home. I was in pain and did not have anyone to talk to, so I acted out. I kept all that hurt bottled up because I didn't know what to do with it. If someone would have taken an interest in what was going on inside of me, I would have been able to heal a lot sooner. I'm not saying to let them do whatever they want, but to try and understand what they have learned from both of you.
Dolphin123 said
Nov 22, 2005
Bob,
I have three young ones, 6, 3, and 2. My two year old has to help (way to young to do it alone) pick up his room, He has to put his dinner dishes into the sink (plastic so it won't break), and he has consequences for his actions, like sitting in the corner for a time out, missing desert for throwing a fit and his food at the dinner table. Not huge things, but age appropriate things. His older sister's have their things to do. My 3 year old has little chores herself. She makes her bed (no it isn't pretty looking, but she does it), helps big sister clean her room, and clear her dinner dishes as well, and so on. Once again age appropriate things. Same thing with year old.
My point is, you are correct your children shoud have reponsibilities and consequences, what is going to happen to them when they are older?
I think you have set a boundary and are getting no help from your "A", so getting outside help from the court, is you doing the best you can with what you have.
Replying to someone else got me thinking about something I am having a problem with.
My A started her new job yesterday. Seemed to enjoy it. Good for her if she is enjoying it.
She is getting up at 6:30 for an 8:00 am job. She gets herself ready and nothing gets in her way. This morning my kids would not get up. This is usual. I'm trying everything. The therapists are telling me, I can't yell and scream. I'm supposed to just wake them up once or twice. Well, I have one daughter who has missed 9 days of school because she won't get out of bed. I have had days where they were up until 5:30 and then I can't get them up at 6. My 13 yo yesterday slept until 5:30 PM !
So today, I'm having my usual problems, and my A who won't get up to help get them ready for school is up getting ready for work. After multiple attempts I ask her, "can you go in once and see if you have any better luck?" 15 minutes later I asked her "you couldn't get try once to get them up?" I could hear the anger and resentment building. The kids miss the bus, and then my wife asks me if I'm driving her to work (it's only 5-10 min away) so I have the car to drive the girls to school.
Thank you HP and program. I was able to put my anger and resentment aside. I calmly said, I don't understand, I'm constantly expected to be late and take off time from my job for anything and what do I get? Nothing. No cooperation. You know what, I was wrong for expecting anything in return. Her reply was, it's only my 2nd day of work. I told her I understood that and wasn't asking her to be late. That it was time that I take responsibility for myself and my job. She can't expect me to any longer leave the house at 8 AM to take the girls to school when I'm also supposed to be working at 8 AM.
I told her I talked to the HS and they said that if I go to family court and explain my home situation especially considering I'm doing everything I can do, that they will put the onus on the kids. They will get cops to wake them up if necessary and if they don't go to school, they'll deal the the potential of going to JuVee.
My wife calmly accepted my explanation and drove the girls to school before she went to work.
Thanks for listening.
Bob
Not to argue,but teenagers can be very selfish and self centered. After I read this man's post, I see that his teenagers are taking advantage of the situation. Give teenagers compassion,but don't let them take the inch and turn it into miles. This man's kids are up all night probibly messing around playing vidio games or on the computer like my daughter does. we can only go so far as to blame the environment.
Growing up I was beating, molested, raped and you friggen name it. Sure I drank,but I also have more compassion in my little finger than most people do. I never took anything from anyone,I am the first one that the teenagers turn to when they have a problem. I also work in a teen home for drug users and acoholics. These kids have robed, lied, hurt and you name it to other people. We have compassion for these kids,but also don't let these master manipulaters get away with much. There is a differance of having compassion and being played a fool. I cannot stand good doer that have no clue (not saying you are) that can sit back and say O' it's the parents fault these kids do no wrong. You know teenagers laugh at go doers trust me this I know. My daughter refused to go to school yesterday. I yelled and tryed to hussle her out of bed. No going,so I left to make my appoinment, bought her some makeup and a soda,came home and she was up getting ready for a boyfriend to come over so she could make out. So now I let her suffer her consiquences which are getting PINS on her and getting a probation office. Then it's off to a group home if she does not straiten out. Teens are too big to be lifted out of bed and froced to get dressed,so what do you do? Let them sleep all day because they where up all night playing vidio games?
-- Edited by zoomie at 09:41, 2005-11-22
Hi,
One of the reasons I asked my husband to leave was dicipline. He wanted everything totally quiet when it was what he wanted, but otherwise, there should be no rules and no consequenses.
He began drinking at 15, he had no responsibilites and no rules. He was fed in bed, he got whatever money he wanted. His paycheck was for him and if he wanted more, his parents gave it to him. He opened a checking account when he was 18, with Mommy's name on it as well. He never deposited a dime in it, but wrote whateever checks he wanted. He got a charge card and did the same. He had to give his paretns $50 a week, and they made sure his account was oka dn his charge was paid, no matter what he spent.
When we got married it was a nightmare. This man felt all bills should be paid with $50 a week and he could keep all else and then some. He grew up thinking he could do as he pleased with no consequenses. With 5DUI,'s he never spent a moment in jail, and they paid all his fines and drove for him when he had no license. They warmed the car before he got in, and in the evening they where there to pick him up at least a half hour before he was ready to leave in case he got off early. They called him out sick and obtained Dr's notes for him when he took off. They shut his alarm off, if htey felt it would be better for him to sleep becasue he was in bad shape the night before.
Do I blame his parents because he is an alcoholic, no. Do I blame them because he is inconsiderate, selfish and irresponsible, your damn right I do. They failed as parents. They raised him without responsibility and without natural consequenses. They dropped the ball. He is living proof of it. He is now an adult and they are still pushing these beliefs. You should have no respnsibility everyone should take care of you etc. It is up to him now to push that aside and grow up. Wetehr it will happen remains to be seen.
I refuse to have my children grow up like him. They have rules, they have chores. They have to chip in. I am willing to help them, but they must make the effort. My husband is as incosistant as the wind. I try to be consistant. We can have fun, but we have to take care of the important things first. he biggest hurdle I face is when they say ok, then what are his responsibilities, when they look at my husband. I then tell them, he is not them, and it is not acceptable fr him either, that is why he is not living here right now.
I am far from perfect, but I will not allow his parents mistakes to ruin my children. I am not rich and can't provide them with everything, but a moral backround a good work ethic, strong values, responsibilty, a sense of self and a lot of love is a gift I can give them.
It does sstart with us as parents.
Love Jeannie
Years ago, when my boys were still in elementary school, I had a problem getting them up, so I finally decided that once they did rise (I warned them ahead of time) and readied themselves, I had them walk to school, I followed in my van....it was a good 2 mile walk...it only took one time...they made sure they caught the bus after that. I had a counselor tell me one time with my #2 boy, who I was constantly sticking up for, rescuing, etc....."maybe he needs to suffer the natural consequences of his actions" ......the hardest part was watching those two boys, I think they were 11 and 12 give me the look...like "what a horrible mother you are" ....LOL years later, they are grown, they laugh about it....
Hugs Mary
I grew up with an alcoholic father. Things came to their worst point when I was a teenager. I saw my father try to kill my mother. I started acting up in school and not caring about my life. I felt alone in life. I didn't think my parents gave a crap about me. They were more concerned with their own lives and I got left in the cold. One parent did not use any disipline and the other was so rigid and controlling. I couldn't tell my friends because I didn't even understand anything that was going on. I didn't know how to deal with feelings at all. School called my father in and he denied anything was wrong at home. The teachers at school were very strict because that was their job. I had this horrible feeling that I was somehow at fault for what was going on at home. I was in pain and did not have anyone to talk to, so I acted out. I kept all that hurt bottled up because I didn't know what to do with it. If someone would have taken an interest in what was going on inside of me, I would have been able to heal a lot sooner. I'm not saying to let them do whatever they want, but to try and understand what they have learned from both of you.
Bob,
I have three young ones, 6, 3, and 2. My two year old has to help (way to young to do it alone) pick up his room, He has to put his dinner dishes into the sink (plastic so it won't break), and he has consequences for his actions, like sitting in the corner for a time out, missing desert for throwing a fit and his food at the dinner table. Not huge things, but age appropriate things. His older sister's have their things to do. My 3 year old has little chores herself. She makes her bed (no it isn't pretty looking, but she does it), helps big sister clean her room, and clear her dinner dishes as well, and so on. Once again age appropriate things. Same thing with year old.
My point is, you are correct your children shoud have reponsibilities and consequences, what is going to happen to them when they are older?
I think you have set a boundary and are getting no help from your "A", so getting outside help from the court, is you doing the best you can with what you have.
Much Love,