Hello everyone. I've just joined the group.

I need some help.

My husband is just over 30 days into recovery, the first real effort he's ever made to stop drinking and fix parts of his life that need fixing. He is doing everything from supported outpatient care, AA and other groups, to reading and learning about his addiction, to formulating plans to avoid triggers and plans in case of relapse. I am so proud of him; I am hopeful for our future together and I have faith in him. I have faith that my trust in him will grow back one day and we will be able to lead a better life from having been through the soul searching that is required of both of us in this recovery time.

So why am I so angry and irritable all the time?

I feel like a have a weighty chip on my shoulder that i can't shake off. I've never felt guilty about his addiction, the mess he's made of his life and his relationships, nor any other facet of his disease. But all of a sudden NOW I feel guilty for not feeling happy... in this amazing time when he's taking recovery seriously and seeming to benefit and grow healthier every day from the process.

We are generally good communicators with each other. Except the business about lying about alcohol and some other co-dependency crap that has invaded our lives over 2 years, we are generally very honest with each other as well. But I don't know what to tell him now. I don't know why i'm so irritable i can barely hold a conversation without getting agitated at him. I know i'm angry about the past, but that's behind us and i don't know how to let it go. I feel like *I'm* making our homelife yucky right now because of my passive-agressive behavior with the irritability and the unexpressed (but really obvious) anger.

Does anyone know what i'm talking about?
Do you have any advice for me how to work through this for myself?
How to address this with him so he understands me?
I'm a big reader - not looking for a self-help book - but does anyone know of something that sounds like what i'm talking about, would maybe give me something to read so i don't feel so alone?

Thank you very much,

hellion.

Hi Hellion.... First of all welcome, and I hope you find the support and love you need here....  The stuff and feelings you are going through, during his early recovery, is VERY normal....  There is an excellent book available, that explains it far better than I ever could.... Please try to find a copy of "Getting Them Sober" - it's either volume three or volume four - the one on 'life after recovery', so to speak, authored by Toby Rice Drews.  I think you will find the answers to all your questions, and more, in that book....

Hope it helps

Tom

hellion,

Yes we all know exactly what u r talking about.  The board here is a great place to get input, also we have a chat room with mtgs held twice daily.  Have u been to a face to face mtg...  they give u a beginner's pac that contains pamphlets that will begin to give u some insight into how & why the "A" acts the ways in which they do.

It is difficult to break patterns of behaviour, so b4 his treatment, you were probably used to reacting to his actions...  now he is changing, you might be getting a better sense of how you are really feeling...  they do put us on edge a lot, all of this anxiety does cause us "irritability".

It is great he is going through so many positive steps & that you have reached out & found al-anon for yourself.  That was the "big deal" for me, was putting myself into perspective, not focusing on them but searching within. 

I was so lost, I didn't even know what I liked anymore. It took me months to get "over" feeling guilty, even thinking of myself.

The disease is progressive & recovery is a process - just as in life - it is the growth not the final destination. 

As we say here, progress not perfection...  even baby/micro steps ARE steps.

love, -K

Hi and Welcome, I'm glad you found this site.  I relate to how you're feeling.  The first time my husband made a serious attempt at recovery I experienced the same feelings. 

What will help is getting a sponsor from Al Anon and working this program, especially the steps.  I didn't realize how much resentment I held onto from when my husband was active in his addiction.  I said I forgave him for many things but deep down I hadn't.  Working through the steps, especially step 4 helped me learn how to let go of these resentments once and for all.  It certainly didn't happen over night.  It took time but it did happen. 

This is a family disease in that it affects everyone in the family so you can benefit from Al Anon the same as your husband can benefit from working his program.

 

 

 

Hi and welcome to MIP!!  Hooo boy do I know what ya mean!  I've been coming to Alanon for a while now, and not so long ago I was talking about how nice my hubby was being to me, what a change it was, etc etc... and here I was being an absolute shrew when he was only doing what I'd wished for so long he would!  Well someone said to me, it was because he was changing, he was acting in a way I didn't expect or know how to handle.  I was so used to "how to handle" an active alcoholic, you see.  We pray and pray for changes, but if WE ourselves do not also change, then we get blindsided when they start to change.  I really don't know if I'm making it as clear as that other person made it to me, but it made sense to me when I thought about it.  Life, after all, is all about changes - nothing ever stays the same, so it behooves us to learn how to go along with changes, how to adjust, how to stretch our minds and learn and grow.  Most times this can be emotionally painful, but I have never once regretted a learning lesson.  Obviously there was something I needed to see, to learn about, in order to become a better, healthier person.  My program Al-Anon helps me in this.  I sure couldn't do it alone.  When you ask how to work thru it for yourself, all I can say is what helped me...and that was being here, continuing to return to learn more, reading all the literature I could and asking questions and listening to others share.  I got a sponsor, I'm working the steps, I'm taking a good long hard look at myself.  These are the things that have helped and are helping me.  You asked about things to read... there is a chapter To Wives and also The Family Afterward in the AA Big Book, there is the Al-Anon book The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, I use the Al-Anon book Paths to Recovery for a better understanding of the steps, and then another Al-Anon book How Al-Anon Works that goes over a lot of things too numerous to list. 

You're not alone at all, you see.  Welcome to our family!

Luv, Kis

I can't offer any experience on an A in very active recovery.

Also, I haven't been able to let go of the resentments from the past.  I pray that this comes with my program as I progress.  I'm early in working alanon and what I can see is that I'm better at not building resentments.  At least I'm not adding to the pot as often.

I see my unhealthy behaviors and 'catch' them quicker now because of some new self awareness because of the program.  These are baby steps but I revel in the program allowing me to take them.

Welcome to MIP and alanon. Keep coming back.

Bob

   Well, Hellion, you've come to a place that will help you immensly! What you are going through right now is familiar to so many! The one thing I, like Canandianguy , would like to suggest is the 'Getiing Them Sober' series. All of them. I say they helped to save my sanity. They are written in easy format by an excellent counselor and you keep them nearby for any moment of distress to help you understand what's going on with and A and you as well. There is a web site of the same name where you can order them. Between those and coming here, you can begin to put together pieces. Hang tough,girl!.........jaja

Hello Hellion and Welcome!!  You're definitely in the right place to vent all those emotions out.  I can identify with how you are feeling very well...  My "a" has tried sobriety at least three times since we've been in a relationship together.  At first I felt elated that he made the decision to go back to AA, then saw little changes here and there.  My irritability and anger was still ever present.  My biggest resentment was/is he's not emotionally present all the time to help me raise the kids and carry his load around the home, but then recovery and meetings keep him away from the home as well.  Alanon helped me deal with him being away all the time, I did my own thing.  Still do my own thing when he's not around. 

The literature, F/F meetings, and posting here is helping me look at my anger and resentments.  It doesn't heal overnight or even in months, but eventually I have started to feel better about me, and the anger is slowly dying.  Keep coming back and take is slow.  Good Luck!!

Twinmom~

Hellion,

Hello and welcome to MIP.

Like the others shared before me, you are not alone, and the feelings that you are feeling are normal and natural.

When my "A" first got into AA and NA , I was feeling some of the same feelings as you. I was angry, passive agressive,  I said mean comments, I was angry when he when he went to meetings, I was angry when he called his sponsor, and I was angry when he was home. I went to a few alanon meetings, and then he relapsed, so I stopped going. I didn't think I needed it since he was going to continue using.

Now my "A" is still very active he has had a few times when he was sober, but I have found the arms of alnon so comforting. I am with poeple who know how I feel, have been there, and with people who can guide me into becoming the sane woman I wish to be.

LOL, now I am the one going to meetings, calling my sponsor, reading my literature, working the steps. He doesn't like it, but I know that me getting healthy and sane is the best thing I can do for my family.

I would suggest that you go to meetings. We have meetings here on line, and more than lilely you have meetings that you can go to in your area. The peace and serenity that you can get from the program is yours for the taking and you have to do is take it.

Keep coming back. You have a safe place to vent here.

Much Love,

Thank you all very much. I'm glad i'm not alone in these feelings - knowing that made a big difference. hellion.