I have picked excerpts in the book that seem most important. It would be too much to type everything, so here it goes.
Book: How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics
Learning About Alcoholism
Alcoholism is a family disease. Compulsive drinking affects the drinker and it affects the drinker’s relationships. Those special relationships in which a person is really close to an alcoholic are affected the most, and we who care the most are caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to an alcoholic’s behavior. It isn’t long before we feel we are to blame and take on the hurts, the fears, and the guilt of an alcoholic. We too, can become ill.
All our thinking becomes directed at what the alcoholic is doing or not doing and how to get the drinker to stop drinking. This is our obsession.
We often make the mistake of covering up. We try to fix everything, make excuses, tell little lies to mend damaged relationships, and worry some more. This is our anxiety.
As we realize that the alcoholic is telling lies, using us, and not taking care of responsibilities, we may begin to feel that the alcoholic doesn’t love us. We often want to strike back, punish, and make the alcoholic pay for the hurt and frustration caused by uncontrolled drinking.
This is our anger.
When good sense tells us there is something wrong with the alcoholic’s drinking and thinking, we still hide how we feel and what we know. This is our denial.
Perhaps the most severe damage to those of us who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel or think it was something we did or did not do – that we were not good enough, not attractive enough, or not clever enough to have solved this problem for the one we love.
These are our feelings of guilt.
Obsession, anxiety, anger, denial, and feelings of guilt = insanity
The drama of other people’s problems can be very distracting, especially when those people are alcoholics. But in Al-Anon we discover that the problem does not lie soley within another person; the problem is also within us. Our own thinking becomes distorted. Al-Anon helps us to stop wasting time to trying to change the things over which we have no control and put our efforts to work where we do have some power--- over our own lives.
Barbara said
Nov 21, 2005
thanks - I definately identified with this
kissers said
Nov 21, 2005
I was thinking about the symptoms of having close relations with an alcoholic. It is almost like the process of grieving. I guess it could be since you are with someone who is trying to kill themselves. Just a thought I had.
bobump said
Nov 21, 2005
You got me thinking to what I've recently referred to as the 4th C. The 3C's are readily identifiable. The fourth C is realized. Sure we didn't cure, cause and can't control it. But we have Contributed to it.
Our fault lies not in meaning harm. It's a combination of coping skills we developed well before the disease and well into it as well. These coping skills served us well at some point, or so we thought.
What I despise about this desease is it seems to bring out exactly what it needs. It reminds me of a Star Trek episode where some entity gained power as the crew grew more angry at it. This disease will bring up in loved ones all these behaviors and actions which when faced with, validate all the negative feels of worthlessness and hate so many a's feel. Even when we are doing these things out of concer for the A.
With the knowledge one gains in alanon, we learn to stop feeding the disease. The A's disease now brings on the rage and anger of you not giving it what it wants, like a caged animal that isn't being fed anymore.
Tonight, my daughter was trying to manipulate me into something. It was minor but she was trying to get her way, cajoling, guilt, anger, puppy dog eyes. I held firm with calm and without anger.
One thing I have an issue w/ is that people perceive me as angry when I'm not. I first noticed this trend umpiring baseball. Coaches may come out to question a call or rule. In a baseball game as an official it's very important that keep control of the game. Many times I've answered the question in what I thought was a succinct and non confrontational manner, only to have the coach get defensive with comments like "Oh sorry, I was just asking." I've actually had to say "I'm not upset, just explaining the rule/call, I appreciate you coming out and asking in such a manner." I mentioned it to my daughters therapist, he said maybe it's something you need to work on. Work on? I don't even know I'm doing it. The other day, I was talking to my daughter. She started to get defensive. I told her, I'm not angry. My 9 yo pipes up and says it's your tone and the way you are saying it. I thanked him for providing me with that feedback and apologized to my daughter.
My a has no self esteem to begin with, and having endured years of me speaking to her like this certainly hasn't helped situations.
I find this aspect of myself hard to forgive at this point. I think I can forgive myself after I figure out when I'm doing it and maybe why. Then I can fix it. If I can't fix it, I don't know how to forgive myself for something I'm constantly doing.
Bob
nikkilou said
Nov 21, 2005
This is so true every word is like I was before alanon. Alanon has changed my life forever for the better.
NIKKILOU
kissers said
Nov 22, 2005
Bob,
The disease makes you hard. My friend is just like what you are saying. I even told him last week that he comes off as being a jerk. My best friend's (she's the A) husband talks to her like a dog. I've read that you get softer and more loving through the program, but it takes time. Maybe if you think of your wife as you would a sick friend it may help too. My prayers are with you and your family.
Nikkilou= how long did it take you to really get it?
chris52 said
Nov 22, 2005
Thank you so much for doing this. It's going to be really useful for me to actually read for myself how to work this programme.
I honestly didn't realise just how sick I was. The insanity of this disease and how it permeates our entire thinking is truly mind numbing.
My entire focus for the last 3 years has been on my A,and not on myself at all. I didn't know about Alanon then(wish I had!!!) so I have been blundering around doing my own thing and slowly,but surely,losing my identity and my sanity.
kissers said
Nov 22, 2005
You're very welcome. We're all here to help one another. If a child does not grow up within a healthy functioning family the child will not have a solid identity. Therefore, he or she will not have healthy boundaries with people.
bobump said
Nov 22, 2005
kissers wrote: Bob, The disease makes you hard. My friend is just like what you are saying. I even told him last week that he comes off as being a jerk. My best friend's (she's the A) husband talks to her like a dog. I've read that you get softer and more loving through the program, but it takes time. Maybe if you think of your wife as you would a sick friend it may help too.
I have gotten better at looking at it as a disease. I find myself thinking I hate this disease more than thinking it of my a. Maybe this only comes out with me in certain situations. I don't have any problems with other people. I'm very well respected and liked in my community and at work. I'm known as one of the easiet people to get along with. Even in my umpiring, the parent at youth games like me. I'm known as a very fair arbiter.
I notice this alot when I'm trying to explain my point of view. Wonder if there is this need for me to feel understood or something.
Bob
kissers said
Nov 22, 2005
My heart goes out to you. I read your post about your kids. Have you tried asking them if they want to go to Alateen?
twinmom2 said
Nov 22, 2005
I really appreciate this post. It puts into words the behaviors and feelings I have had for so long. I agree with a concept of the 4th C or contributing to the disease. My behavior, manipulation, and nagging has given the "a" an excuse to continue drinking. I know after one of our arguements he gets so angry that he smokes a bunch of cigarettes and downs a few beers. Coming to Al Anon is helping me see how insane my controlling behavior has been.
Twinmom~
marmare said
Nov 22, 2005
I just wanted to pop in and thank you. I love anything that rattles my brain and makes me think....thanks so much for doing that for me....
Hugs Mary
kissers said
Nov 22, 2005
Anytime! We're all here to help one another!
bobump said
Nov 22, 2005
kissers wrote:My heart goes out to you. I read your post about your kids. Have you tried asking them if they want to go to Alateen?
I have gotten my 13 yo to her first Alateen meeting. They said that even though their age cut off is 13, that I can bring the 9 yo and he said he may want to go. I haven't asked my 14 yo. She denies there is a problem. I'm thinking of suggesting that she can go and talk about me and my handling of the situation if that is what bothers her. Maybe she'll see it's not a alcohol focus and a focus on ones self.
When I took my 13 yo we snuck to the meeting lying ot my A about where we were going because neither of us wanted to deal w/ the BS. I can't keep that up much longer and quite frankly feel like an idiot for doing so. It's exactly the type of behavior based on fear I want to eliminate.
Thanks for this thread and the responses in my thread about my children at home.
Bob
Jeannie said
Nov 22, 2005
Okay maybe at times we are angry. But I think the tone we use is a learned response.
We spend so much time wasting our breath trying to talk to our A's and trying to reason with them. When they don't respond, we try louder and more forceful, and so on. It doesn't matter that they tuned us out before the first time.
It is sort of like when someone is blind and people think they have to yell at them to be heard. There hearing is fine.
The A's hearing is fine, just selective. The louder we get, the ;less they hear.
I have picked excerpts in the book that seem most important. It would be too much to type everything, so here it goes.
Book: How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics
Learning About Alcoholism
Alcoholism is a family disease. Compulsive drinking affects the drinker and it affects the drinker’s relationships. Those special relationships in which a person is really close to an alcoholic are affected the most, and we who care the most are caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to an alcoholic’s behavior. It isn’t long before we feel we are to blame and take on the hurts, the fears, and the guilt of an alcoholic. We too, can become ill.
All our thinking becomes directed at what the alcoholic is doing or not doing and how to get the drinker to stop drinking. This is our obsession.
We often make the mistake of covering up. We try to fix everything, make excuses, tell little lies to mend damaged relationships, and worry some more. This is our anxiety.
As we realize that the alcoholic is telling lies, using us, and not taking care of responsibilities, we may begin to feel that the alcoholic doesn’t love us. We often want to strike back, punish, and make the alcoholic pay for the hurt and frustration caused by uncontrolled drinking.
This is our anger.
When good sense tells us there is something wrong with the alcoholic’s drinking and thinking, we still hide how we feel and what we know. This is our denial.
Perhaps the most severe damage to those of us who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel or think it was something we did or did not do – that we were not good enough, not attractive enough, or not clever enough to have solved this problem for the one we love.
These are our feelings of guilt.
Obsession, anxiety, anger, denial, and feelings of guilt = insanity
The drama of other people’s problems can be very distracting, especially when those people are alcoholics. But in Al-Anon we discover that the problem does not lie soley within another person; the problem is also within us. Our own thinking becomes distorted. Al-Anon helps us to stop wasting time to trying to change the things over which we have no control and put our efforts to work where we do have some power--- over our own lives.
You got me thinking to what I've recently referred to as the 4th C. The 3C's are readily identifiable. The fourth C is realized. Sure we didn't cure, cause and can't control it. But we have Contributed to it.
Our fault lies not in meaning harm. It's a combination of coping skills we developed well before the disease and well into it as well. These coping skills served us well at some point, or so we thought.
What I despise about this desease is it seems to bring out exactly what it needs. It reminds me of a Star Trek episode where some entity gained power as the crew grew more angry at it. This disease will bring up in loved ones all these behaviors and actions which when faced with, validate all the negative feels of worthlessness and hate so many a's feel. Even when we are doing these things out of concer for the A.
With the knowledge one gains in alanon, we learn to stop feeding the disease. The A's disease now brings on the rage and anger of you not giving it what it wants, like a caged animal that isn't being fed anymore.
Tonight, my daughter was trying to manipulate me into something. It was minor but she was trying to get her way, cajoling, guilt, anger, puppy dog eyes. I held firm with calm and without anger.
One thing I have an issue w/ is that people perceive me as angry when I'm not. I first noticed this trend umpiring baseball. Coaches may come out to question a call or rule. In a baseball game as an official it's very important that keep control of the game. Many times I've answered the question in what I thought was a succinct and non confrontational manner, only to have the coach get defensive with comments like "Oh sorry, I was just asking." I've actually had to say "I'm not upset, just explaining the rule/call, I appreciate you coming out and asking in such a manner." I mentioned it to my daughters therapist, he said maybe it's something you need to work on. Work on? I don't even know I'm doing it. The other day, I was talking to my daughter. She started to get defensive. I told her, I'm not angry. My 9 yo pipes up and says it's your tone and the way you are saying it. I thanked him for providing me with that feedback and apologized to my daughter.
My a has no self esteem to begin with, and having endured years of me speaking to her like this certainly hasn't helped situations.
I find this aspect of myself hard to forgive at this point. I think I can forgive myself after I figure out when I'm doing it and maybe why. Then I can fix it. If I can't fix it, I don't know how to forgive myself for something I'm constantly doing.
Bob
This is so true every word is like I was before alanon. Alanon has changed my life forever for the better.
NIKKILOU
Bob,
The disease makes you hard. My friend is just like what you are saying. I even told him last week that he comes off as being a jerk. My best friend's (she's the A) husband talks to her like a dog. I've read that you get softer and more loving through the program, but it takes time. Maybe if you think of your wife as you would a sick friend it may help too. My prayers are with you and your family.
Nikkilou= how long did it take you to really get it?
I honestly didn't realise just how sick I was. The insanity of this disease and how it permeates our entire thinking is truly mind numbing.
My entire focus for the last 3 years has been on my A,and not on myself at all. I didn't know about Alanon then(wish I had!!!) so I have been blundering around doing my own thing and slowly,but surely,losing my identity and my sanity.
You're very welcome. We're all here to help one another. If a child does not grow up within a healthy functioning family the child will not have a solid identity. Therefore, he or she will not have healthy boundaries with people.
I have gotten better at looking at it as a disease. I find myself thinking I hate this disease more than thinking it of my a. Maybe this only comes out with me in certain situations. I don't have any problems with other people. I'm very well respected and liked in my community and at work. I'm known as one of the easiet people to get along with. Even in my umpiring, the parent at youth games like me. I'm known as a very fair arbiter.
I notice this alot when I'm trying to explain my point of view. Wonder if there is this need for me to feel understood or something.
Bob
I really appreciate this post. It puts into words the behaviors and feelings I have had for so long. I agree with a concept of the 4th C or contributing to the disease. My behavior, manipulation, and nagging has given the "a" an excuse to continue drinking. I know after one of our arguements he gets so angry that he smokes a bunch of cigarettes and downs a few beers. Coming to Al Anon is helping me see how insane my controlling behavior has been.
Twinmom~
I just wanted to pop in and thank you. I love anything that rattles my brain and makes me think....thanks so much for doing that for me....
Hugs Mary
Okay maybe at times we are angry. But I think the tone we use is a learned response.
We spend so much time wasting our breath trying to talk to our A's and trying to reason with them. When they don't respond, we try louder and more forceful, and so on. It doesn't matter that they tuned us out before the first time.
It is sort of like when someone is blind and people think they have to yell at them to be heard. There hearing is fine.
The A's hearing is fine, just selective. The louder we get, the ;less they hear.
Jeannie