My A came back this evening to pick up his laundry. We started to talk about things a bit and we are both feeling a little depressed about the holidays. My A stated that it is a goal of his that we may be able to spend Christmas together. I said that we needed to take it a step at a time, but that a part of my issue is that he cannot expect to set that as a goal without first speaking with my parents. Christmas is a huge event for my family. He has not seen or spoken to them in three and a half months. Although I have my own issues with my parents, I feel that they have been very good to my A and that they deserve an apology. I am also fearful for them. Fearful that he will be able to manipulate them as he has manipulated me and I do not want them to suffer the same fate. I told my A that. My A left it up to me to decide whether or not he can speak to them. He said he hasn't up until now because of his own cowardice. I am conflicted on this subject. Help.
nmike said
Nov 20, 2005
Kim,
Holidays are hard for me as well. Different expectations. Funny, my A came this weekend with his laundry. He moved out in June and spends alot of time with my mother even though he doesn't want to spend time with me. My A says the same things - if they are A's they manipulate and there is nothing we can do about it. He says I'll leave it up to you; he says I don't want to say anything and in a way by avoiding a decision they lay it on you and don't have to take responsibility.
Have you asked for help from your HP? I try to meditate in the morning and evening to add clarity to my decisions.
In support,
Nancy
Dolphin123 said
Nov 20, 2005
Kim,
Kust pray about the situation. That is all I have, hope that helps.
Much Love,
Tiger2006 said
Nov 21, 2005
Kim--I think you set a wonderful boundry. Remember that you need to take care of you first here.
If your A has any recovery, remember he has to earn the right to be a part of things--trust is fast lost, slow earned I heard a philosipher say. And I think one other thing I've learned is that Christmas is a holiday in the west--China has a totally different thing going on! So do what you feel is best--if you feel in your gut that something doesn't smell right, listen. But be honest with your others too--maybe not tell them why, but "I don't feel comfortable with you being present in the festivities at this time." And if they ask why, then state your reasons--like, "This is my boundry I'm setting."
You are a strong soul. You can listen to your gut and follow it out.
Kim,
Holidays are hard for me as well. Different expectations. Funny, my A came this weekend with his laundry. He moved out in June and spends alot of time with my mother even though he doesn't want to spend time with me. My A says the same things - if they are A's they manipulate and there is nothing we can do about it. He says I'll leave it up to you; he says I don't want to say anything and in a way by avoiding a decision they lay it on you and don't have to take responsibility.
Have you asked for help from your HP? I try to meditate in the morning and evening to add clarity to my decisions.
In support,
Nancy
Kim,
Kust pray about the situation. That is all I have, hope that helps.
Much Love,
Kim--I think you set a wonderful boundry. Remember that you need to take care of you first here.
If your A has any recovery, remember he has to earn the right to be a part of things--trust is fast lost, slow earned I heard a philosipher say. And I think one other thing I've learned is that Christmas is a holiday in the west--China has a totally different thing going on! So do what you feel is best--if you feel in your gut that something doesn't smell right, listen. But be honest with your others too--maybe not tell them why, but "I don't feel comfortable with you being present in the festivities at this time." And if they ask why, then state your reasons--like, "This is my boundry I'm setting."
You are a strong soul. You can listen to your gut and follow it out.