We had the best day yesterday - we visited my family and enjoyed each other's company all day.  On the way home I thought to myself that I should mention to him that if he needed anything he should stop at the store.  We live in the country, a trip to the store takes at least 30 minutes.  I didn't say anything.  When we pulled into the driveway he didn't pull into the garage and I knew he was planning on leaving. 

I was immediately pissed off and we started to argue.  I became the immediate witch and started to remind him that this is a pattern, he very frequently makes excuses to leave the house again right after we get home.  He said he wasn't going out to buy liquor and why was I so angry?

I told him that I knew he had been drinking every night again.  He asked me what the problem was, he functioned just fine and didn't wake up with a hangover. I looked him straight in the eye and told him that he is in denial.  I told him that he's denying that the alcohol will hurt him.  He is destroying his body.  He is killing himself.

I feel horrible today.  My heart is starting to wonder why I stay.  I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life.  I love him so much but I can't live my life concerned about his alcoholism and his drug addiction.  I can't handle the lies, it's taking a huge toll on my personality and on my mental state.  I hate this life. 

Sally,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this. So many times I have been there and to some extent still am.  However, what has changed is that I am working on me now, slowly working on letting go of the need to "convince" my A that my way is the right way. Telling your A that he is in denial and explaining to him how  he is destroying his body will not help.  He is doing what alcoholics and addicts do, he's drinking. Until he comes to his own realization, nothing you do or say will help.  What you can do is look after yourself, establish firm boundaries with your A and try not to worry about what he is doing.  Keep positng and be good to yourself.

You can give up, you know. You can just let responsibility for his drinking slide from your shoulders. Then you can just focus on the real question - do I want to be with him, as he is, knowing that he may never change? All the nagging in the world has nave stopped one drunk from taking one drink - in fact it has probably done the opposite, given them an excuse (as if they need one...) When I stopped worrying about whether my husband was drinking or not, and just focused on how he treated us, things got better in our house. I realized that as long as he was not being abusive, and was spending at least some of his free time at home, I didn't mind if he was drinking. Once I stopped picking fights, he was not as abusive, and eventually that was a habit that we broke. Once we were not fighting all the time, he spent more time at home. It was still sad, seeing him destroy himself, but our home was no longer a battlefield. Only you know what you can or can't take, but trying to make him stop drinking is like ramming your head into a brick wall, so, alanon is here to tell you - you can stop trying.

Sallyb,

Wow, you reminded me of some nights with my "A". The truth is even if you stopped on the way home, he could have come up with a reason to leave, there will always be an excuse.

Remember the three C's. You can't control it, cause it or cure it.

The best thing I did for me was let his using/drinking be his thing. It is not mine. I can do things by myself, with the kids, or as a family, sure I prefer him to be a part of it all, but his leaving to use, his decsision, not mine. If I let it get to me I am not doing me or the kids any good. I can not change him, and I believe I am finding the serenity to accept that through working my program.

Keep Coming Back.

Much Love,

 

Hi I also live with an active alchohic and I wonder to my self at time why am I still leaving through this hell. Right now I don't have the answer but some day I will get it. RIght now I am working on handing him not being around. It is hard.