Hello all and good morning:

I wound up not going to NYC last night but it was nice that it was my own voice of reason and not worrying about my A that kept me home.  After taking care of some bills and looking ahead to Christmas, i realized this was not the time to be spending money on a night on the town. It was a sobering fact that I have to pinch my pennies these days with the A gone and the apt (still) not rented.  Walking through the mall yesterday I got very depressed about it, about the holidays and about my A. Driving home I was just so sad. Just about home, my A was in front of me on the road and we stopped for a second. He said he would be over in the morning to clean out the gutters, he said 10 am.  Sure enough 10 am there he is with coffee and paper in hand for me.  He asked if he could do laundry while he was working. At first, I was annoyed feeling like he only does something when something's in it for him.  Am I getting a little too nitpicky now? Geez this is hard. It feels actually weird having him here. Not sure how to feel about it.

Kim, Okay, I'll let you off the hook this once! As long as your decision was based on financial, rather than emotional, I'll buy that. Just because you didn't want to spend the money (I can really understand that one) doesn't mean that you don't have to treat yourself to a nice night out. Take yourself out to a favorite restaurant with a good book. It doesn't have to be expensive. Then come home, light some candles, take a bubble bath, whatever gives you pleasure. My A comes home to do the laundry because it's cheaper here than at the other places. He gets to spend some time with me and the cat. I can also use his help (I have to tell him about the printer) with certain things. Honestly, I think it's a fair trade. Cleaning out the gutters while he's doing laundry. Not a bad deal. Take it for what it is. Sometimes when we read too much into it we get into trouble. Trust me, I've been there! You're doing fine. Live strong, Karilynn

Hey Karilynn:

Thanks for letting me off the hook...lol.....You're right. It is a fair trade. He's working on the yard still, took out the air conditioner downstairs and a few other minor things. He was never one for manual labor so the fact that he didn't do the gutters and quit is quite an accomplishment. I honestly realized yesterday that a night in NYC would have cost me a couple of hundered dollars. It was with a friend, her friends bachelorette party, I wouldn't have known anyone and to me when I weighed it out it wasn't worth it for me to spend that kind of money on someone I didn't even know. My good friends b'day is just before Christmas and we are planning and outing, I 'd rather save my money for that!  Thanks for your support. It helps to have someone give me a little perspective and keep me in check! You always do!

We are never too sure what or how to think when they act civil or better to us Kim....  Bottom line, while they are still active, they are spending most of their waking hours, trying to answer the one very basic question:

"what is the bare minimum I can do, to allow my life to return to normal, and continue to drink"...

Until they choose sobriety, that question is their #1 priority, from my experience...

Take care

Tom

Yes, Tom, I agree.  My A  has carefully plotted ways to get back into my good graces through the years and get things back to normal.  The honeymoon ended quickly. Soon we were right back to where we started.  Although I appreciate his help it is no means a way back in the door. That comes with a commitment to sobriety and a lifestyle change. Not yard work (although the two combined would be nice change). His attendance at treatment has been good, (I have not received a call from them, whcih he requested, not me) and he continues to go to meetings. Not my concern as much as the behavioral changes that I will (hopefully) come to see. I have learned that I don't need to montior his attendance I need to look for the changes in him and recognize the signs when they're there and make my own decisions accordingly.

Sometimes the good deeds are just that.  Good deeds, them batteling the disease and trying to do good.  Sometimes it's them trying to manipulate the situation to their advantage when the disease is raging. 

It's tough for us to know.  What I think is if you set good boundries, then your doing for yourself and your within your realm of healthy comfort.  If what they are doing is within those boundries their motive are unimportant.  That seems to be working for me.  I'm not worrying or worse yet, getting mad when peoples intentions are good even. 

:)

Bob

Kim,

Well, I do undwertand about the money issue, Christmas can be depressing, but Christmas is not about materialism. So this year I have decided to not worry about what I can not buy the kids.

Look on the bright side he came when he told you he would be there, and he did what he said he would do. That is good, the other stuff, maybe he didn't see it as doing something if he can get something out of it. Who knows, you got your gutters cleaned

Much Love,