This morning my A. says "I have a question for you. How come you don't have an orgasm anymore." He just doesn't understand. I keep telling him how emotional intimacy, trust, security and safety for my well being is important to me to even get to a point where I can even delve into a fulfilling physical experience. Of all the issues at hand in our home, of all the discussions I have tried to have with him and how many times I feel it has fallen on deaf ears, THIS is what he is concerned about???? A sexual relationship is the furthest from my mind at the moment. I can't even go there. Sometimes I feel like we are living on different planets, speaking two different languages. Sigh...

Geez

Don't even get me started about living on different planets.  Especially on this topic!!!!

My husband "knows" I cannot stand being intimate with him when he is drunk or high but he STILL pushes the issue.  We have not been intimate for a while now and like you "I don't even want to go there".  But practically every waking moment we are together he is hinting, and rubbing on me, and even goes so far as telling me "babe, just oull your pants down"  Yuck!!!!!

I too have explained about having a caring loving communicative relationship to support the intimacy part but "falling on deaf ears" pretty much sums it up!!  I don't bother anymore.  Now I just ignore him or walk away like I didn't even hear him.

Anyway, A lot of the time you post it seems like we are the same person.  So I guess you could say I understand how you feel. 

(((((((((((sq))))))))))))

Take care of you  Julie

Gosh is this timely or what???  I have been on the same fence this past week and trying to understand where I need to be right now.  I almost did a post on it myself, but couldn't figure out how to get passed the *adult nature* thing.  I LOVE your "caution!"

My NA has been clean for a month now.  Before he had a full understanding of NA recovery, he was still having a beer after work and few more on the weekends, while still going to meetings, and thought that was okay as long as he wasn't using. I kept my mouth shut, let the program do what it is suppose to do.  He did set a new clean date when he realized that he could not do anything drug/alcohol, period. I feel very fortunate in that we are able to talk, really talk about anything, and on a very deep level too.  The flip side to that is my own stinkin' thinkin'.  We have had intimacy since his clean date, but not "all the way," if you get my drift there.   Lots of talking, lots of hugs, lots of kisses, lots of cuddling...but that's it.

He is respecting each day that passes, and at the same time, I know he wants to "return" to that deeper "level" of intimacy because he gently said a week or so ago, "I'm ready, if you are."  I am struggling with that at the moment. 

I'm not afraid of getting hurt, I have set my boundaries, I know that whatever happens from this and any day forward I'm going to be just fine.   So, what is it???  I keep having these feelings of vulnerability, and yet, I don't feel as if I am in a "weak position" or "at risk" if I open myself up fully to him again on a physical level.  What am I not trusting then?  Why do I have this invisible wall up to cross that next "level" of intimacy?  It's like being on this beautiful cliff and you want to jump knowing that absolutely nothing can happen to you, but at the same time you get "cold feet" and just stand there admiring the view, and that's it.  What's up with that???

I'm a big believer in time, God's time more specifically.  If I'm not ready, then I'm not ready, I guess.  For whatever reason that is, I apparently need more of that time to understand it.  A "boo-boo" takes its own time to heal, if our own immune system is low, it will take longer for it to heal.  Maybe I still need more time to build my immune system, get me a little healthier after the "blow" (no pun intended)...It was a shock to me when I found out he was using cocaine.  I did have to make some decisions and stand by them.  I did have to pull out some tools in my toolbox that I have not had to use in a really long time to get through it all the "right and loving way."  I am incredibly proud of me for doing just that with him, with myself and my HP.  All the recovery I have done over the past years has really, really shown itself in this situation.   And, even better, I do feel that my relationship with HP has been strengthened because of the entire experience.  However, but, comma,  lol, maybe I just need a little more time to get in the routine of using those tools again comfortably.  Feel better in my own skin, so to speak.

Okay, I've "thunk it out" thanks to you!  I'm going to have a chat with him about it all.  I need to put it out on the table so we can sift through it all together and so that he understands where my heart is, it's in the right place, it's doing the right thing every day, it just needs more time......Don't ya just love sharing???  It accomplishes SO MUCH!

THANK YOU AGAIN for opening the lines of communication and sharing with this topic!!!!

Live to Love and Love to Live,

Satori

 

lol.... this is why the "Mars and Venus" books, by John Gray, have made him a multi-millionaire!!!

Kidding aside, many men, even non-addicts, view sex as 'purely physical', whereas many women, even non Al-Anons, need to have more emotional needs met to feel the desires associated....  I have a really good friend, and a few years ago, he and his wife had an awful, name calling argument.... They were very angry at each other, and she told him he was sleeping on the couch that night.....  To which he replied (and he was serious!) "does this mean we can't have sex?"

In my opinion, this can be a "bit of an issue", even with 'normal' couples, but it is exaggerated and amplified for couples with all the struggles of addictions...

Take care

Tom

They don't get it do they?  Mine pees the bed, so I have a hard time sleeping in the bed let alone being intimate anytime.  I just can't get the thought of wet underware on a 48 year old out of my head.  He is starting to lose patience with me on this subject, but I just can't bring myself even when he is sober to be intimate.

josey

Christy,

From the replies to your post, I gathered that this is a not abnormal.

I to do not even want to be touched by my "A" when he is in an altered state of mind. Because of the nature of his disease, I have come to view him as two different people, 1) The man that I love and 2) The addict who looks like the man that I love. So when the addict wants to be intamate I almost feel as if I am cheating on my own husband. May sound wierd, but that is how I feel.

I to have the same lack of fullfilment as you do, and I to don't even want to go there. I can remember when he was in recovery, and working his program, I can remember the desire I had to be with him, but it is gone now. I know in time and with healing it can come back. But I truly believe that it won't happen again until he finds recovery again.

I also have spoken to my feelings so many times I can no longer remember just how many times he and I have had this conversation. The hardest part for me is the "grossed out" feeling I get when he touches me when he is high or drunk.

All I can do is firmly and lovingly tell him how I feel and walk away. I try not to hurt him and I am not mean about it.

I do see a positive in all this. My husband has been teaching me just how to use my tools I get from alanon. The patience, love, acceptance, and understanding has only come from working my program. Every day he shows me just how I can use my alanon in a different way.

I do have hope of him finding recovery again. That hope is still there. And I believe that because of alanon, my marriage cn be saved when he gets there.

((((((((((((((((((christy)))))))))))), you are not alone. We all can share in the understanding of being in that same place.

Much Love,

thanks everyone - and I was usually the one who wanted "it" more!

but lately wasnt sure if it was all blamed on menopause but I havent been wanting it at all - just dont feel any connection when Im with him

been sleeping in separate bedrooms for quite a few yrs now - and he needs a little extra "push" (viagara) so its always a date anyways

Hi everyone to me the intimacy is linked with the trust issues which haven't as yet been repaired.  Bit hard to committ yourself totally physically when in your mind you don't trust them because of their drinking.  Luv Leo x

I know I can't stand the smell of the room, let alone my husband when he is drinking. The horrible part is even when he is sober, he is convinced he is so much a better lover when he's had a few drinks. I've tried telling him how it isn't true, but he refuses to see it. I think he sees it as a self confidence thing. When drunk he thinks he seems to see himself as "Mr Stud", but I see him as someone who I have no desire to be around. I refuse to pretend anymore. When he is sober, I love being with him.

I also want no part of sex after horrible name calling. I had to laugh at the post where the women went onto the couch and the husband said I guess no sex. My husband has done the same thing, he has even said come in and visit me if you want.

He does not get it. Maybe someday.

                                 Love Jeannie

 

WOW, the more posts I read here, the more I see my ex as being ACOA. I never realized how much this had affected him! On the other hand, my A always 'turns me on' except when he's drunk, which thank HP, isn't very often any more. It was like my ex was always drunk!!?? But never drank!! Weird...

 I  think there's a book about sexuality and alcholism that's CAL--and I can't remember the title. (Anyone out there remember it?)

 This is a really important topic and it doesn't get discussed openly, I believe. I think there's a lot of shame or embarassment about sex in general. And I think that does our members a great disservice--so kudos to you to getting the guts to ask! I also think that it's a disservice to believe that this is a "sponsor only" topic because, at least for me, my ideas about sex weren't just shaped by my parents but by the TV, the school, the friends, the world around me and I think we kid ourselves if we think that only getting one other person's prospectus takes care of such sensitive topics. Having said that, I think this topic needs to be approached with great care. I know from experience where this topic gets brought up, some people left right away--they weren't gonna have nothin' to do with it. And I think feelings need to be given extra room, because sensitivity is paramount here.

 So, back to your awesome question. It is my belief you are under no obligation to participate in any activity that enables you to feel self compromised. Personally, if one is feeling ambivalent on this issue, counceling may be adviseable. I always encourage sponsorship. I also believe that you are a child of god, worthy of being loved in healthy, beautiful ways, and in no other.

 Again, kudos to bring up the subject!

I thought I hated sex when I left my last alcoholic.  We were together for just 3 years and after a while even sober sex with him disgusted me.  I just couldn't stand the thought of our skin even touching, it totally grossed me out.  I was 31 years old and had truly convinced myself that sex was disgusting and that I could live the rest of my life without it, and I wanted to. 

Before that I was in a relationship for 12 years with another alcoholic and I wanted to be intimate with him, but when he was sober he always acted like I was bothering him.  I was young and it hurt my feelings, but I didn't want to lose him so I settled for the drunk sex and thought it was OK.  God, I remember he used to pee the bed sometimes and I just acted like it was all fine.

I'm happy to say that my attitudes have changed and I'm in a wonderful relationship now and the intimacy is fabulous; better than I thought possible.

This sounds so familiar.  I was thinking bad of myself today because of the sex issue - thought something was wrong with me, so I was glad to see other people feel the same way.  Seems like my a wants to have sex now, there is no such thing as "making love" any more.  The look in his eyes when he wants me and is drinking looks more like hate to me than love.  That may sound crazy, but it appears that way to me.  When I go to church, he is home looking at porno on the computer and drinking.  I don't know whether it is me that turns him on, or what he sees on the computer.  All of this makes me sick.  I wonder why I gave him so many second chances.  I don't want to live in this any more.