As most everyone knows, I lost my husband a little over 3 weeks ago. After a period of shock and numbness I have spent about a week in the most unbelievable sadness I have ever felt. Until now, I didn't think that it was possible for a human being to feel as bad as I've felt in this past week and still live.
That being said, I need to tell you that I woke up feeling pretty good this morning. My HP whom I choose to call God has given me so much that I've not been paying close enough attention to. Just yesterday, I told my mom that I would be there for Thanksgiving but that I didn't feel like I had any blessings I wanted to count. I talked to my sponsor last night and to a couple of good friends and asked for they're prayers. When I woke up this morning I didn't cry. Seemed strange at first but I was filled with this peace that I haven't felt up until this point. I don't by any stretch of the imagination think the bad part has past. But just for today, I am grateful for the way I feel and for so many other things. I wanted to share some of these things with all of you. This is probably going to be a long post and I'll apoligize in advance. I want to list some of the gifts HP has given me that I am so very greatful for this morning:
I wondered when Robert died whether or not he REALLY knew how much I loved him. I wondered what he was thinking the day before he died because we didn't talk much. (The day before he dies was my dad's bday & my daughter and I had spent the day into the evening at my folk's house) Music was always a really important part of our lives. Robert and I used song lyrics in our letters to one another. Every special memory is in some way connected to a song. Because we loved (and spent a lot of $$ on lol) music, we used the napster service A LOT. I discovered not long ago that the Napster program logs the last 200 songs that have been played and I found the list of songs that Robert listened to on his last day. Love songs every one... our wedding song, the song we first danced to, etc. etc. These songs were on no set play list. He had to select and play each song - it was nothing random. Because of this I KNOW how he felt and who he was thinking of on his last day on this earth. There's no way he didn't know how much I loved him right back regardless of anything else.
Robert and I had been planning on putting our daughter in private school when finances allowed. Shortly after his death I found out that her social security benefit exceeds the monthly amount that we need to enroll her in private school by $6. I spoke to the private school expecting to be told to fill out an application for next year, etc., etc. The lady I spoke to was so kind when I told her our story. She said of my daughter "it sounds like this young lady needs to be with people who will love her...can you bring her for a visit on Monday." She starts in January. There will be 39 kids in her class. She is so very excited. She very openly tells anyone that's asking about school that "My daddy fixed it so I can go to the school I need to be in." (What a kid I have!)
The day Robert died, so many friends and family came and stayed with me. It's all kind of a blur and I didn't really realize it until this morning, but I have a special friend from each season of my life. My first friend from first grade that I've stayed close to since high school, my college roommate, my best friend from my first "real" job. Each one of them came the first day and have been by my side from that first day. Not one of them lives within 2 hours of me but they're still as close as a phone call. My sponsor (who is my special friend from this season of my life) has reminded me not to "let that phone weigh 10lbs". With this many people who love me there's no reason I have to go through this alone. I'm so greatful for each and every person that HP has put in my path through this time.
My daughter's wisdom. It seems to me that I should be giving her the pep talks and reminding her of the good times and holding her up. She keeps saying the right things to ease my heart at the right time. This morning we talked about holidays and she reminded me of last Christmas. Shortly before Christmas, Robert got his lump sum disability payment and there was money for a Christmas like we'd never had. We were semi-separated at the time but agreed to put all that stuff aside and have a good Christmas as a family. He and I didn't go shopping together until Christmas Eve. We had the best time!!! and we spent waaaaaay tooooo much $$. After we finished shopping we decided there was no way we had time to wrap all the presents we had bought and we went to a gift wrapping service open in the middle of the mall. While we waited I made a comment about needing a haircut. Robert took my hand and took me to the salon in the mall, walked up to the counter and said (and I'm not even kidding) this is my wife, treat her like a queen. Had my hair colored and cut and it felt so great. While he waited for me Robert overheard the salon manager telling her employees that they would not be getting their paychecks that day (Christmas Eve) as expected but that she would give each of them a $100 advance. The girl that was doing my hair excused herself because she was pretty (understandably) upset. When she finished my hair Robert gave her a $150 tip. When she tried to refuse he told her, if God didn't want you to have this money, it wouldn't be in my pocket and I wouldn't have come in here today. My daughter said this morning, that's just how dad was. There are so many negative things she could have learned from him and this giving loving thing seems to be what she learned "at his knee". I am eternally thankful for this and for my sweet girl.
Robert had relapsed in the weeks before he died. He only had a couple of days of true sobriety when he had of all things a heart attack (with all the other things that could have killed him geez) But the last 2 days were great and spent with us talking and loving each other. I'm thankful for that but in a way, also thankful for the trouble and where it had led me in the weeks before he died. I'd bought a bed and set up a room for myself because of his drinking. Sad though that is, when he died, I didn't have to sleep either in the bed we shared or on the couch.
My wonderful friends here. And YES I'm gonna name some names and I know I will forget some but know that I love you ALL. For Kis, Mastiff, and CDB and others for showing me how to live with and love an active or recovering A. "Normal" folks tell us that we should leave, don't put up with that, etc., etc. Here I have learned the tools I needed to love the man and detach WITH LOVE from the disease. For David, Megan and others for showing me how to come out on the otherside of a terrible loss. Even tho your losses weren't the same as mine, you came thru the loss of your marriage to the A stronger than before. To Jeannie and others whose stories are so much like mine, you've shown me that I don't struggle alone and that our situation is not unique. I have tools now to get through this time. Thanks to Al-anon I have such a realationship with my HP! Wow I don't know how I would do this without Him.
More than anything else, I'm thankful that Robert is so at peace now. He never has to fight his demons again. No matter the reason for him going now, I know he's better now than he ever was here in this cold, hard world.
Ok I think that's enough for now. Thanks to you all. Bad days are still ahead I know. Please bear with me and forgive me for whining when I do :)
Love to all
Txmom (Regina)
megan said
Nov 18, 2005
Hi Txmom
(((((Regina))))
What a strong, powerful share. Thank-you. Tears on the keyboard.
You have learned so much and grown so strong.
I continue to pray for you and your family.
Thank-you for sharing about getting the haircut and your daughters private school.
Your family will heal, in Gods time
With support and love
Megan
hopefortoday said
Nov 18, 2005
((((txmom)))) I haven't been around here long, so unfortunately I didn't get to meet your husband. But I'm looking forward to getting to know you! Thank you so much for your uplifting post. Gratitude is such a wonderful thing. It sounds like your husband was a man of many gifts and through you and your family he continues to give. Much love to you and your family - Hope
bobump said
Nov 18, 2005
Your share brought tears to my eyes ven with me being so new that I wasn't familiar w/ your story.
Thank you for what is a powerful share and tribute to your husband.
Prayers that you continue to see and hear your HP as he helps you through this.
Bob
Jeannie said
Nov 18, 2005
((((Regina))))
I don't spend much time in the meeting rooms, the times don't always work out for me, so I didn't get to know your husband. I'm very sorry about that, I wish I had, he sounds like he was a wonderful man.
It sounds like both of you have an amzing legacy in your daughter.
Your post brought tears to my ears. That you can still see all the good, even after all thats happened shows how strong you are and how large your heart is.
Lots of love and prayers coming your way, may you and your daughter both find peace.
Love Jeannie
browneyes said
Nov 18, 2005
Thank you so much for sharing with us in your time of mourning. You sound like a sweet loving person as well as your husband who passed. No wonder your daughter is so smart and caring too. It is amazing to hear of your gratitude through it all.
I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers
Love Julie
AlaMom said
Nov 18, 2005
((((Regina ))))
I read your post today at work, and found that I was to busy to respond. But it was a good thing for me. It was a reminder that I spend life on the run most of the time. While I have a work project that is taking so much of my time - I need to make time for myself and my family. I need to create the moments that my family will remember. So for the first time in a week I actually made dinner (working to late to cook), sat down with the ones that were home, and took kids to see Chicken Little. During the movie they talked much of the importance of talking with people and gaining closure on past events. Something I have struggled with for a long time.
Please know that I admire the strength it took for you to write this post. It was inspiring to me on so many levels. On those good days it is essential that we share our ES&H to inspire others. And on those bad days to seek those that can inspire us. Thank you.
Karen
leo said
Nov 19, 2005
Thankyou for sharing something that is so heartfelt and personal to you. Your daughter already is showing the values and gifts of kindness that you and Robert possess. What a lovely gesture to the hairdresser I will never forget it. Luv Leo xx
Karilynn said
Nov 19, 2005
((((((((((((Regina))))))))),
While I was never lucky enough to have know your Robert or you during your time together, I am so glad to know both of you now. Thank you for sharing that remarkable post. I'm holding back the tears so that I can type.
What an incredible daughter you have. I lost my Mom at 19. Any age is tender to loose a parent. But she knew that her Dad loved her. Both of you have raised an amazing child. You should be so proud of her. Give her a hug for me.
I have no doubt that in the last minutes of Robert's life, he was thinking of his loving wife and child. He went to be with his God, but will always be with you. When you wonder where he is, look into the eyes of your daughter and see him there.
Love, peace and strength to you and your daughter.
Live strong,
Karilynn
mastiff said
Nov 19, 2005
((((((((((((((Regina)))))))))))))))) love you too, what an awesome example of how hp works you and Robert are. Love you, Trina
jonibaloni21 said
Nov 19, 2005
Hi Txmom and ashton,
I think your HP has been with you both a great deal lately and that you are doing remarkably well in your grief this early. It's obvious that both of you are very observant people and that you learned much from your relationships with Robert. All of you are very special people to us here in the MIP site. We've learned a lot from ya'll and how you've grown and shared your ES&H with us. We've learned a lot about how to go thru grief with HP's help thru you Regina. I don't have the strength you have learned to have and you lost your husband, I lost my friend's, dadrrb and Donna. Thanks for posting your gratitude list for that day. It's very uplifting and I'm glad to know you as well, like the others have said.
Your friend,
Jonibaloni21
david62 said
Nov 22, 2005
(((((((((Regina)))))))))))
I hope you see this, as I just got back from Yosemite today and just read your post.
What a beautiful post. I am crying on my keyboard as well.... what a gift from God to find that list of songs.... music is so powerful a communicator......wow......wow
I thought of you often on my trip....wishing that you could have come, and understanding....but know that you were there with us... and that the love of God and your al-anon friends is with you always.
Good morning all of my wonderful MIP family :)
As most everyone knows, I lost my husband a little over 3 weeks ago. After a period of shock and numbness I have spent about a week in the most unbelievable sadness I have ever felt. Until now, I didn't think that it was possible for a human being to feel as bad as I've felt in this past week and still live.
That being said, I need to tell you that I woke up feeling pretty good this morning. My HP whom I choose to call God has given me so much that I've not been paying close enough attention to. Just yesterday, I told my mom that I would be there for Thanksgiving but that I didn't feel like I had any blessings I wanted to count. I talked to my sponsor last night and to a couple of good friends and asked for they're prayers. When I woke up this morning I didn't cry. Seemed strange at first but I was filled with this peace that I haven't felt up until this point. I don't by any stretch of the imagination think the bad part has past. But just for today, I am grateful for the way I feel and for so many other things. I wanted to share some of these things with all of you. This is probably going to be a long post and I'll apoligize in advance. I want to list some of the gifts HP has given me that I am so very greatful for this morning:
Ok I think that's enough for now. Thanks to you all. Bad days are still ahead I know. Please bear with me and forgive me for whining when I do :)
Love to all
Txmom (Regina)
Hi Txmom
(((((Regina))))
What a strong, powerful share. Thank-you. Tears on the keyboard.
You have learned so much and grown so strong.
I continue to pray for you and your family.
Thank-you for sharing about getting the haircut and your daughters private school.
Your family will heal, in Gods time
With support and love
Megan
((((Regina))))
I don't spend much time in the meeting rooms, the times don't always work out for me, so I didn't get to know your husband. I'm very sorry about that, I wish I had, he sounds like he was a wonderful man.
It sounds like both of you have an amzing legacy in your daughter.
Your post brought tears to my ears. That you can still see all the good, even after all thats happened shows how strong you are and how large your heart is.
Lots of love and prayers coming your way, may you and your daughter both find peace.
Love Jeannie
Thank you so much for sharing with us in your time of mourning. You sound like a sweet loving person as well as your husband who passed. No wonder your daughter is so smart and caring too. It is amazing to hear of your gratitude through it all.
I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers
Love Julie
((((Regina ))))
I read your post today at work, and found that I was to busy to respond. But it was a good thing for me. It was a reminder that I spend life on the run most of the time. While I have a work project that is taking so much of my time - I need to make time for myself and my family. I need to create the moments that my family will remember. So for the first time in a week I actually made dinner (working to late to cook), sat down with the ones that were home, and took kids to see Chicken Little. During the movie they talked much of the importance of talking with people and gaining closure on past events. Something I have struggled with for a long time.
Please know that I admire the strength it took for you to write this post. It was inspiring to me on so many levels. On those good days it is essential that we share our ES&H to inspire others. And on those bad days to seek those that can inspire us. Thank you.
Karen
Hi Txmom and ashton,
I think your HP has been with you both a great deal lately and that you are doing remarkably well in your grief this early. It's obvious that both of you are very observant people and that you learned much from your relationships with Robert. All of you are very special people to us here in the MIP site. We've learned a lot from ya'll and how you've grown and shared your ES&H with us. We've learned a lot about how to go thru grief with HP's help thru you Regina. I don't have the strength you have learned to have and you lost your husband, I lost my friend's, dadrrb and Donna. Thanks for posting your gratitude list for that day. It's very uplifting and I'm glad to know you as well, like the others have said.
Your friend,
Jonibaloni21
(((((((((Regina)))))))))))
I hope you see this, as I just got back from Yosemite today and just read your post.
What a beautiful post. I am crying on my keyboard as well.... what a gift from God to find that list of songs.... music is so powerful a communicator......wow......wow
I thought of you often on my trip....wishing that you could have come, and understanding....but know that you were there with us... and that the love of God and your al-anon friends is with you always.
Yours in Recovery,
David