Ok, so my twenties were exciting & still seemed to drag at times.  My thirties have flown by, I don't know what is happening to my life. 

I am so far behind...  I loathe dealing with the mail, I must have a pile on my desk 2 yrs old w/ stuff that needs to be shredded.  My ex def made me sorta paranoid about all of those, crdit cards they try to give you - I guess i just need a paper shredder.  I would have more fun setting fire to it all - well maybe after I shred it. 

I figure by the time I get my life "right" & integrated, which is my one true goal, god will say, yes Angel, u r enlightened & rip me back.  To think I spent so much time being depressed & wanting god to lift me up, now I just pray & feel the tingles, like angel's wings under your skin, comforting you & letting you know you're understood & connected.

I am so grateful I am still here...  the pen IS mightier than the sword & I do have a voice!

It's a good thing I sleep on my back & don't have any wrinkles...  maybe in another year I might feel like having a date   - what a concept!

Depression does this to you -- like my RMT lic, I was supposed to renew it in March - I finally took my class (in this state we have to get 6 hrs of "refresher courses each yr) - i was 6 months late in doing this.

Then all this **** in July, then i was sick for 5-6 weeks.  I finally went to the school to get my certificate for my ours today - so I can mail it to the state.  I guess they don't care, they just charge u more & more the later you take.

At least it hasn't been a whole year - if my license went into escrow I would really not be able to stand myself...  just one example of my inability to cope with my life.  But hey, I survived 2 suicide attempts, I am truly Blessed.

I am trying very hard not to be so hard on myself... trying to find a balance between my vascillating total responsibility & absolute lack thereof...  BALANCE, what a concept... nvr could wrap my warped lil mind around it.

Moleucular steps are still steps, heh.

Sometimes molecular steps are much less volitile than those atomic ones. 

You know your taking them.  You know your making them.  Sometimes you need to remind yourself.  We all do. 

Did you have expectations on where you'd be at this point in your life and they are unmet?  Not asking cause I think that's your problem, just a curiosity.  I know I through all expectations out for myself to give to my family.

Now I'm chasing a different version of one of my dreams.  My kids have complained about how much I'm not at home sometimes.  They sound like my a but maybe it is a real problem.  I feel bad but this is something I gave up for almost a decade.  My body is falling apart between my knees and my back so I want to give it a shot now and work towards it. 

It's so true the concept of balance is the deal.  We were sharing to this in my f2f and I came to the realization that sooooo many defects can be assests that have been carried to extreme as our coping mechanisms (like the line in my straight jacket poem, LOL).  It's hard to achieve blance when I feel like a freaking metronome at some fast tempo, oscillating back and forth.

Bob

Ps - we are looking forward to a full report of that date, minus the TMI details of course.  ;)

Kitty,

Thanks for your honesty. Balance is hard at times. For me after taking care of my 3 sons for over 20 years and now to only worry about myself has been hard. One step at a time is great. Go get that license. What you can't see is that by posting here you are helping so many of us with your story. So by helping others you are pulling yourself into balance I think.

In support,

Nancy

KITTY>>>>>>>>>>>>It's a good thing I sleep on my back & don't have any wrinkles...  maybe in another year I might feel like having a date   - what a concept!

ROSIE>>>>>>>i am learning to sleep on back cuz it is better.....so far no wrinkles yet......i am VERY lucky to look so very young at 59.....geeeez thank you GOD!!!!!!    yep, me 2 about the date........weeee ooooo i am gonna be like  soooo nervous, its been  FIVE years since i even dated and that was my Ex...................i can sooo relate to what you posted............ BIG hugs  to you

(((Kitty)))

Hey does sleeping on your back really prevent wrinkles?

I have heard so many stories about how not to get wrinkles. My Grammy used to rub wet baby diapers on her face, YUCK! She swore that it kept your skin young. I think I'd rather have wrinkles, but I have to admitt, until she dies she had beautiful skin.

You are never to old to chase your dreams. If you feel you want to do something, do it.

When I start feeling old I go play on a playground with my little ones.

At 43 when I take my 4 year old to preschool, I sometimes feel like a grandma. The other Moms are so much younger than me there. The other Moms in the High School are more my age, I have College student High SChoolers, grade school, preschool and a baby at home. When he graduates, I'll be using a walker.

But hey where only as old as we feel. Some days I feel 100, others I feel 20. The way I look at it is I am a whole lot better than I was in my 20's. I know a lot more. Don't have too many wrinkles, and good hair dye covers all the gray, but I have earned every one of them.

Follow those dreams.

                                                    Love jeannie