I never knew this place existed and am very happy at having found it! Many years ago I went to Al-Anon for about 2 years as both my Mom and husband were active alcoholics. I found the rooms to be a sort of haven for me and I felt good that I was finally doing something to try and understand the craziness around me. I was sure that craziness had to do with drinking - I just didn't know how it all figured in. That was a long time ago. I stopped going to Al-Anon only because my husband entered a re-hab where group counseling for family was highly recommended by the counselors. I just found that at the re-hab counseling I got a better understanding of how alcohlism is a disease and how it works. And I benefited more from feed-back. But that was quite a long time ago. Over the years my husband has been in about 4 re-habs, admitted to the local hospital too many times to count as a direct result of drinking, and he goes in and out of AA participation.  I felt like I'd been to hell and back with the man, sometimes I felt stuck in hell. He had been a daily drinker most of the time (though not always drunk) until after the 1st re-hab. When he slipped, he became a binge drinker. He might not drink for as long as 18 mos. and then WHAM! His binges were horrifying and could last up to 6 weeks (usually about 2 straight weeks). He usually stayed away from our house and just hung out,then passed out with his buddies until his body and mind couldn't take it anymore. And if he did come in the house he was awful(but never physically abusive)disgusting,stinking,psychotic mess. You would never know he was the same man when not drinking - Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. And over the years I accumulated a large library of books and web-sites that I devoured.I educated myself as much as I could because I was desperate in all ways. I don't remember what the last binge was like but it did something to him that has had him sober ("dry" is more like it) for the last 3 yrs. Never did I imagine him not drinking for this long. But, lo and behold, it was over this past month. One week-end he used a disagreement we had as his excuse to pick up again. He rented a motel room and took a few changes of clothes claiming we needed a break from each other. What he did was get drunk big time! It through me and our 2 kids way out of whack it was so unexpected and had been soooo long. I don't know how but he managed to stop after 2 days and sought out our pastor to help him pull out of it. He came home,sobered up, but still kept the motel room though he stayed home with us. Three weeks later it happened again for 2 days only it was much worse - this time our 18 yr. old son slugged him. It was devastating for my boy because he loves his Dad to death, they are very close, work together in my husband's tradesman business (it's just the 2 of them) and never in a million years did any of us think anything like that would ever happen. I felt bad for both of them but mainly our son. He said he will be haunted by this forever. So after much thought I had a talk with my husband once he sobered up. I was very calm, quiet and nice and let him know that I loved him as did our kids but unless he committed himself long term to a program, I was going to ask him to leave. There was atime I would have been screaming and crying and begging but those days are over now. I let him know that he was free to go if that's what he chose to do but I would no longer be involved with him if he did not seek help and support and that I would support him in whatever way I could. He tried to argue but I didn't bite. He angrily said he'd leave me and maybe go back to his home state and I calmly and nicely told him he should go if he thought that was best for himself. He never thought I would say that. I told him I would not beg,plead, or cry, that he was free to go. Well, now he doesn't know what to do! He sure doesn't want to leave and he can't stay without a program. I did not threaten him. I simply stated what I absolutely mean. I will no longer live with him without a program. So he will decide this weekend if he's moving out. I kinda don't think he will but he can't stay unless he gets help. There will be no taking him back and acting like nothing happened. It feels good to finally be able to say it and mean it. And say it when he's sobered up. We shall see what way he goes this week-end. He is too terrified to drink again.

 

Good for you - say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. I hope you are able to get back involved with alanon, I started this program after my husband sobered up. "Anything to help him", I'm sure you know the drill. Well, now I'm taking the focus off of helping him, and putting it on helping me (which, indirectly, helps him too - who knew?)

jaja, Just wanted to give you a welcome to the site. We have meetings in the chat room, would love to have you! Link is on the right. Meeting times are 9am and 9pm EST Monday through Friday, Saturday and Sunday 10am and 7p Again, welcome :) Christy

Welcome jaja,

It is a rollercoaster with these A's. Mine has moved out and said the same thing, that he needs a break from me. Our oldest son said I can't believe he did that to you Mom. Our 3 sons love their dad but he is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde too. My husband said that he was giving in to the addiction.

It sounds like you were able to detach. Keep us posted on your progress.

In support,

Nancy

 

Hello

 I am new as well. I just signed up to this site and I am hoping to find some friends in similar situations as I am. I am currently engaged, have been with my "A" for almost 4 yrs we are a blended family with 5 children total, and he has been sober for 17yrs. He is not currently involved in meetings, he chooses to go to them on and off. I am not sure of my feelings any more, I go from being frustrated, happy, sad, alone and isolated. he works all day and sometimes into the night, his e-wife currently chooses her wine over there children, so she lost custody and we have them full time. I feel like I am the only one parenting these children. We constantly argue and fight. he hears nothing of what I have to say, he refuses to follow the house rules when it comes to his daughter, but all other children in the house are to abide by them. He acts more like a friend instead of a father. Our relationship has taken a turn for the worse, due to lack of communiction, involvement and no love. I am constantly trying to make him understand and realize what the implications can be and how this is affecting our children, but he chooses not to see it. Just today we had an arguement over a screw up of his and yeah I ended up fiing it. I keep telling him this is not hpw it is to be and een when he does go to meetings he isn't going for the right reasons, not for himself, he goes to see how many phone numbers he can get from the woman in the group. There is also an issue of his family manily his mother, any family function whether holiday or whatever my children and I are not allowed to attend, he claims it has nothing to do with me but I find that a little difficult to believe, he will not put his foot down so to speak and stick up for us or our family. But I am expected to take the full responsibility of caring for his children as well as mine. Thank-you for letting me share. I am feeling somewhat angry and frustrated tonight, because  as the thanksgiving holiday approches he will be leaving with is children for the week to spend it with his mother and family adn my children and I are left home to fend for ourselves. Thanks again

 

jaja,

Hi and ditto!

I calmly asked my A to leave today after he has been relasping off and on for the last month. He had hadr nine years of sobriety. Prior to that he binge drank one week, sober one year, binge two weeks, sober for a time and so on. He took a taxi to a motel and rented a room for one month.

I am sad. I am very scared. And I feel relieved.

jaja:

Way to go, i know this is a big, scarey step, but you have to feel good.  We are all here to encourage you on YOU, and this was done for you.

 

Welcome,  and  Keep coming back!!

 

LIZA

Welcome to all of you newcomers. this is a place where you learn that there is not much you can do for or about him, but plenty you can do for yourself. We are not here to learn how to change the A, because that is not ours to do. We can however change ourselves, and in the process learn what is and is not important to us, and what we will and will not live with. One day at a time, if you keep the focus on you, your life will get batter.