hi everyone and thank you so much for all of your supportive replies. as for the topic of boundaries/ consequences the boundary is already set he cant come home while drunk/high so he comes home early the next day. but he is usually still high. he handed all his bank and credit cards over to me so he wont ever again use all of our money to live on drugs/booze. last night before he went out he asked for twently bucks, i straight out said no. told him he and i both knew if he were going to drink or do coke he would find a way somehow so why should it come out of the money we need to live off of. so in the end, he never got the money. so this morning at 6am guess who's trying to get in the house. i locked the chain, he could have easily broke but has never thought to do so. i talked to him through the door and he was still so obviously messed on coke. i told him no your not coming in go to your mothers. after begging for a few minutes he finally left. its 11:30am now and havent heard anything. hes probably still sleeping as he spends the whole day in bed after a binge. where things will go from here i dont know. i didnt mean dont come back here i just meant not until everything is out of your system. i didnt exactly use those words so i think he thinks hes kicked out. but we will see when or if i talk to him. my biggest fear right now is that he went out and killed himself when i told him to leave. im stopping myself from calling his mom to see if he's there. i know that something has to be done about his coke use. its beginning to get out of control. i dont want to put up an ultimatum but is there anyway i could say go to treatment or goodbye?

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Cyber hugs to you today, as what you are going through is really hard, but that is an excellent boundary to start with.....  Way to go!

Tom

((notsonew)) GOOD for you!!! Remember, keep the focus on YOU. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. You have to decide what you want out of life.

(((notsonew))) his choices are his, let him make them and own them. You set a good boundary for you, you made it out of love for you and for him, and you kept it - good for you! One step at a time! You're doing great - Hope.

You asked if you could give him the ultimatum......go to treatment or goodbye.  Sure you can, IF you're willing to follow through.  Chances are high even if you tell him that if he doesn't go to treatment than he has to move out, that he won't actually move out.  So that leaves it up to you to move out.

I understand how you are feeling, I really really do.  I remember a time when I was working my program so hard and really begining to feel proud of myself because I had set and stuck to my boundaries, I completley stopped enabling him, I always had a plan B, I did my best to live and let live.  Problem was he wasn't living, he was slowly dying.  I did my very best to stay out of his business but it was killing me to watch what he was doing to himself on a daily basis with cocaine.  One morning he came home around 8am and was so out of his mind.  My boundary was you're not allowed in the house under the influence so don't even bother trying.  It took a long time to enforce this one, I had to be vigilent and even when I was sound asleep at 3am and he'd attempt to come in all wired I'd have to stand my ground and do whatever was ncessary to make sure he didn't get in.  So by the time this particular days events occured......he knew enough not to try to come home during the night.  However here it was 8am and I honestly didn't have the heart to make him leave because he looked like he was on some type of tranquilizer or something and I honestly feared he'd have an accident.  He was mumbling so incoherently and ended up going in our guest bedroom and passing out.  I remember crying my eyes out honestly fearing that he would die that day.  I called my ex mother in law whom I'm still very close to and asked her to pray since she is considered a *prayer warrior*  We prayed together on the phone and I just kept making sure he was breathing the entire day.  It was just so very sad.

Part of me wanted to throw everything I had worked so hard on out the window and call...........someone! anyone! to come and help him.  But I knew deep down it would do no good, so prayer was my only option.  It wasn't long after that (maybe a week) when HE decided to stop using because he was afraid he was going to kill himself.  So, I do believe my prayers were answered, just not in my time, but in Gods.

He's still had a few slip up sinces then (about 8 mos now) but it really does seem that his obsession to use has been removed.  Used to be no matter how long he stayed clean, the moment he used again his obsessive compulsiveness kicked right back in and he'd be using every day in a matter of a week.

There were times when I also feared my husband would kill himself.  Either when I'd throw him out for a short time, or lose my patience and say some pretty horrible degrading things to him or when he'd just be so disgusted with himself.  Thank God he never did, but I do remember having that fear as well.

If you let it, this disease will drive YOU crazy as well as him.  That's why as frustrating as it is to be told all the things you need to do for you, when all you really want to know is how to help him........that really is what you need to hear.  How to help yourself because no matter how badly you want to help him with this addiction, you just can't.

We're all here for you, you're not alone.  Keep sharing, praying and working this program to the best of your ability.

Hello notsonew,

I remember before my daughter went to her last (second) treatment center she went on a terrible binge. She shared later that she was reaching out for help by doing that. That is my experience. I learned here to say things once and if you say them more that is controlling. I shared with her what our insurance company would cover as far as treatment centers and what her options were. We also said we my file papers to commit her since she was over 18. Saying things once has really helped me to not enable. She did decided to go to treatment. After 2 months of inpatient treatment she struggled with relapses but that is common. I do believe she was acting out on that binge weekend when we called the police and had her taken to jail. I am not sure about you. But that was our experience with her. ((((((((((notsonew))))) cdb