I feel like i'm living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. My husband (my A) is a very loving caring person to me when he is not drinking. As soon as he starts drinking he turns on me. I can see the scowled look in his face and he won't talk to me. He goes out of his way to talk to the boys and totally ignores me. If he dose say something its nasty and snappy. So i tell him this AM that i don't like the way he talks to me when he has been drinking and he says to me," don't talk to me when i'm drinking" How am i supposed to have a relationship with someone that i can't talk to after 6:00 PM? I really love him when he is not drinking but I'm having a very hard time detaching. I just don't want him to drink more so i can't talk to him at all. I'm so confused.

Your story summarizes a lot of the frustration with trying to live with an active alcoholic, as the majority of A's exhibit this similar type of behavior....  We, as the spouses, get very used to the "but he's good when he's not drinking" discussion, however the reality is that he IS drinking, and he has a progressive disease...

Time to take care of you, and get yourself healthy... Hopefully you are getting to Al-Anon, and working on your own recovery here....  The damage he is doing to himself is fairly obvious - sometimes we don't see or accept the damage that the alcoholism is doing to US, or our children....  As you get yourself healthier, you will be able to see your circumstances more clearly, for what they are - and what you need to do will become more clear.... Every one of us has different tolerance levels to just how much we can or can't take.... Some leave, some stay; some A's get sober, some never do...

Learn lots - educate yourself about the disease, and the impact it has had on you....

Take care

Tom

One of the boundaries I set with my A was "I will no longer allow you to talk to me in a angry manner, I will not allow myself to be talked down to by anyone, including you." 

At first I think he thought it was just a threat.  So the first time he talked down to me, I reminded him that I wouldn't accept him talking that way, he kept up, I left the room.  A couple times I actualy had to get in my car and leave.  Not that he was threatening me or anything, but I don't let anyone in my life talk to me the way I had allowed my A to.  It has worked!!!! I have stayed consistant and it is working (just like with a toddler LOL).  Boundary setting is the best thing I have learned!

Hugs Mary

-- Edited by marmare at 14:47, 2005-11-17

Mary....I busted out laughing when I read your post. God knew I needed that! I'm still laughing. To find the humor in it all it such a wonderful thing.

Oh those dual personalities...I know how difficult it can be. The "nice" side of my A is what has kept in me in the relationship so long. The "dark" side of the A I have wanted to boot out for years.

(((((((((shadow))))))))))) big hugs sent your way. i will email you with my reply

During the day my husband is welcome. But the days he starts to drink he is the most nasty person you will meet. He likes to argue all the time. He doesn't take no for an awser. He doesn't accept your answers. So he gets like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde very quickly.

((((((((((shadow)))))))) This is where the alanon tools do help us such as the detatching. I too live with this kind of personality and a person never knows when it will hit sometimes. You got some great suggestions above and it sure helps to know we are not alone and there are people that understand. My heart goes out to you. xoxoxoxo cdb :)

I think you hit the nail on most relationships when there is drinking. I know you did for me.  I have learned through various studies , they drink to mask whatever pain they are feeling, then it numbs them for awhile from the pain (or so they think), and their guilt of drinking again creates the anger inside of them. So they lash out at others, and unfortuneatly the closest ones to the A are the ones who are always on the recieving end. I was told over and over again NOT to take it personally , but I for one know how hard that is when I was continually being verbally abused. It is extremely hard to detach and try to ignore such abuse. Walk away,,go in another room, and even leave the house if it will make you feel better. Talking or trying to reason with them is absolutely futile, when they are drinking .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,gardengal